To Boldly Go in Tokyo
SYNOPSIS: Andy takes a shit on the street in downtown urban-residential Tokyo.

All stories have their beginnings.  The beginning of this story
is found in two basic facts of life:
1) Hana no Hana is the best Ramen shop in Japan.
2) I often have stomach problems.

A haveny sort of alley near Shinagawa Station, Tokyo.
It was the weekend I decided to go down to Tokyo, fulfill my social obligation to my old girlfriend Noriko by crashing at her place and watching movies.  I also had planned that week on buying myself a Recordable MD player, and Tokyo probably has the best prices for that sort of thing, at least in Japan.

Anyway, things were off to a good start.  We had decided to go to Shibuya to look for the MD player, and to check out some places that I always used to go back when I used to live in Tokyo (like Cisco Techno, one of the best Techno record/cd shops in the world). After I picked up an MD and some speakers (see My J-Tech Toys), we decided to head back to her place.  She lives right around Shinagawa, one of the more popular wards of Tokyo's Yamanote Ring (the ring where the most used train in Japan, the Yamanote line, circles around and around to all the hot spots of Tokyo. There's a bit of history behind this, but you'll have to see the eXtreme page...).  Anyway, before we head back we decide to consummate our friendship again by going to "our place", Hana no Hana, a Ramen shop right outside Shinagawa station and about a block from the famous Shinagawa Prince Hotel (which is, by the way, the only hotel in the world that can get away with charging $14 for four crackers and four pieces of cheese).

Hana no Hana.  Even now, just the mere mention of that delicious dive, that heavenly hole-in-the-wall, is enough to make me drool like a rottweiler gnawing on old sembe.  We entered into the crowded, thin, deep room that boasted only a counter for seating and four large men speaking very fast in a pidgin mix of Chinese, Japanese and English.  Only two seats were available at that time, such is the Friday crowd.  Even if there were no
seats, it wouldn't have been a problem.  Hana no Hana is the kind of place where you sit, feed, and leave.  No small talk, no after-dinner conversation, just fulfill the human Need to Consume and make your exit.

We took our seats, and without even looking at the overhead wooden plackards that made up Hana no Hana's menu we knew what we wanted.  We were here for the tsukemen.  The tsukemen is what Hana no Hana is famous for- a little bit of heaven in a bowl, slathered in spice and thin Chinese noodles.  Here's the thing: They give you a bowl half-full of ramen, shredded veggies (etc) and spicy oily sauce-water.  You eat everything that's "chunky".  When all you have left is the sauce-water, you pour the hot water, which they give to you at that point, into the bowl.  Voila- a bowl of spicy miso to accompany your meal.  Remember that word well, "tsukemen".  The 'men' part comes from 'ramen', and 'tsukeru' is the Japanese verb 'to soak'.  There are two types of tsukemen sold here; Miso tsukemen (miso soup base), and Hana no hana tsukemen (special SPICY tsukemen).

I decided to play it easy that day and go for the misotsukemen. The bowls were passed to us, and in a flash of clicking chopsticks and swift slurpings they were gone.  And we were sate.

Sort of.

You see, for foreigners Shinagawa is famous for a couple of things.  First, it is the jump-off point if you want to take a train to Yokohama.  Second, it is the location of the aforementioned Shinagawa Prince Hotel, which caters
to many foreign clientele.  The rich kind.  Third, and most importantly, it is the location of one of Japan's few Burger Kings.  Just like in America, you can't swing a dead cow without hitting a Mickey-Dees.  As for Tha King,
though, I have only heard of 2 in Tokyo.  One of them is in Shinagawa. Also, Shinagawa boasts one of Japan's few "31 Flavors" ice cream shops.

As we made our way to sit in the large public commons in the open mall outside of the hotel, my mind drifted to that 31 Flavors.  Chocolate. Belgian Chocolate Ice Cream.  It was then that the first pang of pain hit
my tender stomach.  Knowing my own body and my rotten luck, I should have known better.  But I just couldn't stop myself from thinking how good it would be to have a cone.  Just one... a small one.  Well, thought soon became deed and 1 small Belgian Chocolate ice cream cone was eaten by yours truly.

On the short train ride to her station, my stomach started to twitch in the way that was familiar to me.  "I should go to the bathroom soon", I thought to myself as we arrived at the station I've been to at least 8 times, but with
a name so long I can't help but to always forget it.  As soon as I stepped off the train, though, all traces of pain and discomfort vanished.

This happened again, and stronger, as we were picking out flicks at Blockbuster. My stomach ached so bad that I felt I had to go to the bathroom then and there. Within a minute, though, those feelings passed.  It happened one more time before we left the building.

What was that about the criminal returning to the scene of the crime?
You can see "Ass Ledge" running under the blue sign.
It was when we were walking to her house that it happened.  I frantically looked around for a place to go.  Nothing in the immediate vicinity- just Japanese-style taverns and industrial-looking buildings, apartments and alleys.  It was either one of those four or the nastier Fifth Alternative, so I said to Noriko "hold on
a sec", dropped all the shopping bags I held in the middle of the street, and ran down the parking-ramp alley of some sort of truck/delivery company.  Gave them a Special American present- the gift that kept on giving.  It wasn't too bad, actually.  There was a little ladge to sit on, and the business itself could fall
about a meter or so into a half-meter wide crevice between the building and the alley.  Luckily, I had brought plenty of toilet paper for such an occasion.  There were only a couple problems:
1) Noriko had no idea what was going on, and when she finally figured it out, she kind of went into a sort of shock, and remained motionless in the middle of the street until I emerged.
2) The building on the other side of the alley was somebody's house.  The second floor light was on, and a female was moving around.  The last thing I needed was for her to see me.  Luckily, as I remained motionless she turned out the lights and went to sleep.
3) Apparently this thing is REALLY ILLEGAL.  At least, that's what Noriko said as we ran back to her house through the shadows.
4) I realized when I got back to her house that the place that I Boldly Went, the crevice that is, was directly below the air conditioning unit for that building. In other words, by the time Monday rolled around that building must have been thoroughly saturated by my territorial scent.

Upon our return, after I went to the bathroom again, I laughed loudly about the whole silly situation and decided that I was going to write about it on my webpage. Noriko didn't want me to, but then again she can't read English very well so she probably won't know, anyway...