On Friday I got LASIK surgery. As of the time I am writing this rant, that was four days ago. It's amazing how well I can see now. I used to have 20/350 vision (translation: what a normal person could see at 350 feet I had to be 20 feet from.) Yes, that's "legally blind" Do you realize how stupid that term really is? All that means is you can no longer see the "big E" (it's not that big...) on the eye chart anymore. It DOES NOT mean that you cannot see even with glasses. It's a stupid term. Of course it does mean that without glasses I can't tell who people are anymore unless I get like two feet from them...

Of course that doesn't MATTER anymore because I have 20/20 vision now. Nearly 20/15. It's amazing. I can SEE. Unfortunately we have some glaries and halos around things (especially computer monitors.) and that's the hard part. I really want to tell myself that it'll get better as time goes on...but the 11 sheets of side affects and warnings they had me sign before I could get my surgery done tells me that it may never go away. I may have glaries and halos forever. But I'll be able to see without glasses digging into the smooth flesh of my nose after I can get rid of the sleeping goggles they make me have which actually bruise my nose... Sleeping with goggles on isn't fun. I also cannot rub my eye for a week, which is really hard because it's something you do a little automatically. I'm getting really paranoid about how careful I'm not being. Oh and drops, I have three types of eyedrops that I have to take. And all three of them insist on flowing through my sinuses and into my throat. Gack. Eye drops taste nasty. Very nasty.

The actual surgery is intense. At the place I went to (best place in Phoenix, probably most expensive too) they give you Valium and a painkiller and sit you in a nice chair and wait for you to "relax". They also make you leave your glasses which sucked because of that not being able to recognize people that I mentioned before...of course that doesn't matter much because the first thing they did to me was blast a hole in my eye and suck my vision away. Uhm....better clarify that one...

I had corneas that were a little thin, so I went to this place that has something called an "Intralase" laser. In LASIK they cut a flap off your cornea and blast off some of the inside. Heals better that way I guess. Anyway, they usually do this with a blade. They got a nice fancy name for it. Microkerosomethingorother. Yeah, whatever, it's a freakin' BLADE. Nuh uh, I don't think so. So...anyway they lay you down on this nice little table staring off into the ceiling. They tell you you'll feel "some pressure". Bite me, that's medical speak for "it's gonna hurt". So they put some suctiony thing on my eye and my vision goes gray and starry. And then the machine makes little clicky sounds and I feel like there are teeny tiny needles hitting my eye. You know when something like that is happening your eye feels HUGE. It's a weird experience. Feels like you're all eye. When they take it off, it feels like they're peeling your eye as the pressure is relieved. THAT'S a weird sensation. Feels like you're coming back into your body in a way...weird weird weird. While they're doing it they're talking to me to try to make sure I'm not freaking out. They ask me if I'm okay, and since I'm gritting my teeth I nod my head. So...uh....bad idea when they're burning holes in your eye. Nothing bad happened but they kinda snapped at me. That and they nitpick at me, I asked them if they were "burning" yet and they have to assure me that it doesn't really burn and it just makes bubbles blahblahblah...THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED. Sheesh...I want to know how long before they stop sucking on my eye with the demon pokey thing.

Ow...actually the real surgery didn't hurt at all. It felt a littler weird when they lifted the flap, but that was the worst after the Intralase. The worst part of the surgery was trying to stare at the "blinking red light" without moving. This was problematic for several reasons. First: I was on freakin' Valium and just went through the weirdest medical thing since they pulled my wisdom teeth. (Which was only slightly more intense, though less painful, than when they electrocauterized my nose.) My eyes just WANTED to wander and my brain didn't have the faculties to stop them anymore. Second: When they lifted the flap on my eye, the red light got so big and fuzzy I couldn't see much else. So trying to stare at the center of a big huge indistinct fuzzbull is kinda hard. Thirdly: I've NEVER been good at fixating. If they'd have done the field of vision test on me (the stare in the light box and press a button when you see a pinpoint of light test...I hate that one) they'd have learned that quick. It takes me forever to do that because my eyes wander and the sensor errors and then the nurse comes in and says "STARE AT THE LIGHT!" Oh well, they had a tracking laser so it didn't matter a lot. Apparently. I hope...

So...the first day I mostly slept, I could tell my vision was better but it was hard to tell how much. It was really blurry. And they put a clear contact lens on my left eye that distorted that one. The next morning I could see really well though, when they took the lens off I could see 20/20 in both eyes and it was really cool. I can now read without holding stuff two inches from my face. Oh...side affect number 4 that might be permanent...I seem to have lost some of my ultra close vision. My husband says he's never had that and what am I talking about. But it's kinda weird...my eyes no longer want to focus on things that are two or less inches from my face. Of course...that's not that useful of a skill. In fact when they gave me the farsighted card the first time I wanted to hold it "too close" to my face. They just said hold it, I used to read with the book so close to my face that I couldn't even SEE the entire page. Since I don't need to do that, I don't know if I'd miss it anymore. I only notice it because I'm trying to mess with it.

So...I'm happy with it, but it's not something I'd reccommend for people who can regularly take off their glasses and live and be happy. It IS intense. And there ARE 11 pages of side affects and concerns that you have to sign. Some of them quite serious. I'm glad I went through with it. But it's not something I can in good conscience tell everyone to go do or not do.