Liberals. Well, okay not all liberals in general, since I am a moderate. But I am SO sick and tired of hearing this "whine whine cry the world is ending, the sky is falling, they're going to draft my sons and daughters tomorrow and everyone's going to bomb us because BUSH was elected and I'm so scared and sad and boo hoo hoody hoo."

Barf. About as bad are the people who are insisting that being angry and raging against anyone who tells them to calm down is a way to be "heard" and "let people know the truth."

Hurk. Let me give all of you a leeetle news flash, kiddos: Anyone who is listening to you is already on your side, you're turning a lot of us off.

That's right, you are hurting your own cause let me explain what would be some good things for you to not do, and why.

Stop Emotionalizing!
Words that appear constantly lately: Sad, scared, cried, angry, afraid, worried. Bad words. Very very bad words. We hear these words and we think "This person is not thinking." Why? You are obviously too emotional to think, you are letting your feelings rule you. You know there's a reason that the term "bleeding heart liberal" is seen as an insult, we don't want people in power who decide things based on sob stories and doom prophecies.

NEVER use the word afraid unless you mean "regret."

Example:
I'm afraid because Bush was elected. <- BAD

I'm afraid that Bush was elected. <- We won't shoot you.

Some of us decided to vote for Kerry because the other side kept dragging emotional garbage into this. We hated that. Right now we're starting to get really pissed at you because you're showing the other moderates who couldn't vote for Bush that they were right, the other side is a bunch of whiners who run around like chickens with no heads.

Subset - Don't tell us how to feel:
I don't know what could be more obvious but blech. You telling us that we'd feel the same way if we were in your pathetically sad position and you hope that nothing bad happens to us because of our beliefs insults us. If you felt at all insulted by reading the above you might understand.

We don't like being put in a box. We don't like you trying to put us in YOUR box specifically. We really don't like you trying to tell us that the reason we don't want to be in your box must be because we're stupid and ignorant.

Do these things and we'll probably throw our votes at Dave Barry because you piss us off, again. In other words: the only emotional response you're likely to strike is annoyance at your pathos.

STOP invoking Vietnam and the Draft - especially the draft for women, and especially if you're against the draft for women, young, female, and pro all sorts of other equality nonsense.
It's not that we're so young that we don't understand. It's that you invoked the draft during desert storm and every other time a couple troops died somewhere over yonder. In fact, you invoked the draft on women scare then too, and so of course we're going to sit and say "uh huh, yeah right." because so far evidence points to this being a "uh huh, yeah right." situation.

And this isn't Vietnam. It's just not. Quit calling it that. It's a war, and some people think it isn't a right war, and WHO GIVES A CRAP. Those are two pretty tenuous similarities if you think about it. What the hell makes this war less righteous than WWI or WWII or ANYTHING for that matter huh? Because Hitler was bad? Big surprise, Saddam Hussein WAS bad too. (Not that we went to war to go after Hitler mind you.) Oh because Iraqi Civilians are dying? Ever hear of Dresden? Maybe Nagasaki or Hiroshima? Yeah. Maybe any of the other fire bombings by the Allies? Doesn't matter to those who died there that WE thought it was a more just war. Calling this Vietnam just because you don't agree with it is stupid.

And please, do not invoke your poor friend who signed up for the reserves because he didn't think there was a better way to make money and he didn't want to go to school and didn't think there would be a war means that this isn't a volunteer army and it's the same as a draft. Riiiight. Noone felt sorry for Yossarian because he took a gamble and the war was still going on when he got out of the acedemy (well some people might, but they're morons.) they feel bad because he ended up staying longer than was really fair WHICH IS THE ONLY VALID ARGUMENT ABOUT THIS CONFLICT. I don't care if it was the best job for him at the time, you can argue that the best job for a marginally attractive woman who doesn't want to go to school would be to become a hooker but she's going to have accept the risks that come with her occupation. She might not deserve to get sick, but it shouldn't surprise her or you. Heartless? Maybe, but I'm not going to humor people who took a gamble and are paying the piper.

And please don't threaten about nuclear war (something that isn't happening a lot but...) there already has been nuclear war. Grow up.

Stop insulting people who voted for Bush.
Some of the ARE ignorant, some of them ARE deluded, but you're going to have to do a damn better job of proving you AREN'T (which you're failing miserably at), if you want us to think you're not being shallow babies.

These people are not all KKK members who want to kill and enslave all minorities and delegate all women to serving as baby machines. Some of them hated Bush but they're afraid Kerry would pull out of the war too soon sending Iraq and it's people into worse Chaos. They think this way for reasons that are often well thought out. They are our husbands, parents, friends, siblings, and maybe they're wrong, but they're not the embodiment of evil.

Fashion.

I got two things to say to you.

#1: STOP rolling down the top of your shorts. If they're knit pants and the band is uncomfy and it's ONE roll only we'll let you pass with a assumption that you're slumming it.

If they are canvas or denim style shorts with pockets and you roll them down far enough that you can see the inner linings of said pockets STOP! If your band is uncomfortable, buy different pants. If you didn't think the pants were short enough to do justice to your oh-so-hot legs. Please take a deep breath and first GET OVER YOURSELF and second learn to sew or hire a tailor for alterations or BUY DIFFERENT SHORTS. You look retarded and/or skanky. You do not look hot. You look really, really sick.

#2: Sandals with 3 inch or greater shoes make you walk like a duck, they sound stupid, they don't make your legs look longer, and they just make you look like a short person on stilts, not like a tall person. Please stop wearing them.

Just a public service announcement.