--Alan <ChrOtaku@xoommail.com>--

Destiny calls! It won't leave a message.

################################################
MST: Transformation Sequence, chapter 1
Nega-Hell 15.1
Original by Alan
Treatment by Alan
################################################

The catfight raged on for several minutes. Then for 
several minutes.

"Darn you, Michiru Kai'oh," Beryl said, half out of 
breath, "you've defeated me." The queen was on the 
floor. Her back room was in tatters: the phone had 
been ripped apart, the wallscrolls were beyond 
repair, and the carpet would never look the same 
again. The queen's evil red dress was the only thing 
still intact.

Michiru, standing up, brushed off her still-clean 
dress. "So it seems," she said coldly, "However, 
unlike you evil beings, I temper justice with 
mercy. I shall not send you to another dimension. 
Instead, I will send myself to another dimension--
that is, back home. You, of course, will remain 
in Nega-Hell."

Beryl looked up, confused. "That's all? But what 
about Villains Unlimited?" she asked. 

"Oh, them?" Michiru replied. As she slowly walked 
out of the room, cherry blossoms mysteriously 
following her, she told Beryl, "I'm not too 
concerned about them. My contract is up, and I 
have permission to leave. Besides... they're an 
unoriginal organization. Their name comes from 
a Palladium sourcebook." With those terse words 
spoken, she vanished.

Beryl, still on the ground, stared into the dimly 
lit room, at the point where the woman had 
disappeared. "They... didn't steal... the name," 
she whispered. Instantly, she collapsed.

***

... "Take that, Tux-boy!" ...

... "No... Malachite..." ...

... "Aaaaggh! Jadeite, too?!" ...

... "Nephlite... you died..." ...

... "Minna-san... Everybody... has fallen!" ...

... "Who am I now?" ...

Zoisite woke up from the dream--not with a start, but 
with dull, groggy motions. She took in the scenery of 
the room: the white walls, the long, metal-framed bed, 
the empty ceiling that was very familiar... 

She heard a knock at the door. "Fate!" she exclaimed.

"Hello, my love," Malachite said from beyond the door, 
"I've brought you some English muffins." He tried 
saying the words in a deep, exaggerated voice, but 
gave up halfway through.

"Why English muffins?" Zoisite asked him.

There was a pause of five, maybe six seconds. "Ummm...." 
he said, stammering, "Because they're good?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed. The scene was rapidly 
losing its charm. "Just open the door!" she told him, in 
order to bring a little bit of closure.

***

"Good morning, Intensified Luck Soldiers," Beryl told the 
four, "I'm here to bring you grief and suffering." 
Though her hair was still in a mess, the queen continued 
to smile.

"Yeah, yeah. Spare us the monologue," said Jadeite. He 
yawned, long and loud.

The comment didn't put Beryl's spirit down. "Oh, I know 
you're tired of all these cliche situations," she told 
them knowingly, "but I've got quite the offering for 
you today. Remember all those Ruroni Kenshin fansu--"

Malachite, in a panic, looked around the room. "Don't 
say that word! People are listening," he said in his 
best conspiracy-driven voice.

"In any event..." Beryl rolled her eyes and continued, 
"I know you liked the not-so-well-translated dialogue. So 
today, I'm proud to present you with a Sailormoon fanfic 
that has only a few of the same properties!"

Enigmatically, Nephlite clasped his hands in joy. Zoisite, 
meanwhile, sweatdropped. "Just what I wanted," she said, 
"untranslated honorifics and random words out of the 
dictionary."

"Oh, don't complain," Jadeite told her, "I'm sure there 
are much, much worse things."

The others just stared blankly at him. "We know," they 
said as one.

He glanced back at his fellow generals. At a loss for 
words, Jadeite said, "Time to go."

--
The uncut door sequence:
#6: A shower of ice crystals.
#5: An elevator door, opening to nothing but blackness.
#4: A prison gate, barred by thick chains. Falls apart.
#3: A waterfall. The camera pans outwards.
#2: A television screen, which sizzles and explodes.
#1: A highway leading down to HELL!

--
[The four enter the small theater. The seating order is,
as one should expect, the same. From left to right: 
Jadeite, Malachite, Nephlite, and Zoisite.]


>
>Transformation Sequence

JADEITE: That was short.
ZOISITE: Transformation Sequence... otherwise known as 
henshin, change, stripdown, fanservice, or stock footage.

>
>                                   A Sailor Moon Fanfic Series

MALACHITE: You're sure it's not an Evangelion fanfic series?

>
>                                     Chapter One: The Whiner


JADEITE: To be followed by chapter two: the obnoxious little 
creep.

>
>Monday came like a cruel vulture. 

NEPHLITE: Cruel vulture's thesis!

>At seven in the morning, Serena Tsukino's 

MALACHITE: Nice continuity glitch there.
ZOISITE: Ease up, dear. 

>alarm clock buzzed right into her right ear.

JADEITE: Or right into the left.
NEPHLITE: Don't get left behind!

>
>"Damn," she mumbled, 

ZOISITE: [Serena] Damn it, not another magical girl's angst 
story!
JADEITE: If anyone mentions Trent Reznor, I'm leaving. 

>prying open her eyes, "I'll be late if I don't get 
>going." 

MALACHITE: [Serena] Otherwise, *he* will be disappointed.
ALL: The Charm!

>As Serena slowly stretched her arms toward the
>ceiling, she tried to think of all she had to do. 

MALACHITE: Screw, repeat.

>There would be an English test today

JADEITE: This should be amusing.
ZOISITE: [teacher] Give an English equivalent for "no da."
NEPHLITE: [Serena] Ummmm.... y'know?
ZOISITE: [teacher] Figure out a consistent, acceptable name 
for Ranma's style of martial arts.
NEPHLITE: [Serena] Aaaagh! It's impossible!

> - damn it all, she hated the language.

NEPHLITE: It's a melding of several languages and dialects, 
and it follows about ten semi-contradictory rules. So what's 
it to you?

>Unfortunately, if she failed this one, her mother would 
>make her attend juku. 

JADEITE: A juku-box?
MALACHITE: No. It means cram school.
JADEITE: Oh... like cram chowder!
OTHERS: ...

>What a wonderful beginning, Serena said to herself. 

NEPHLITE: I've seen some pretty bad first episodes too...
MALACHITE: Notable exception: Ruroni Kenshin.

>Clenching her teeth, 

ZOISITE: That's not Serena, it's Tetsuo!

>the young woman stepped out of bed, and prompty heard a 
>shrill cry 

JADEITE: How did Molly get here?

>come from beneath her bare feet. 
>
>"What the hell?" 

MALACHITE: [deep] Sailor Moon--uncut! Yeah, you heard me. 
Thank us later!

>Serena asked quietly, looking around her clean, well-
>organized room, 

JADEITE: Obviously, this is someone else's room.
NEPHLITE: It's just another wacky alternate universe 
story. Don't let it get to you.

>"God help me if it's a little black pig..."

MALACHITE: Or a flying lion-demon with an Osaka dialect. 
Or a talking Ryo-ohki. Or a marshmallow puff with a jewel 
on its forehead. Or...

>Her voice trailed off when she sighted a black cat 

ZOISITE: [Cherry] Fate!

>just inches away from her. 

JADEITE: Shouldn't she be thinking in metric?

>
>For a moment, all was quiet. 

NEPHLITE: Nice transition.
ZOISITE: All we need now is sakura and blood flying across 
the screen.

>
>The cat's wide blue eyes stared blankly up at Serena, 

NEPHLITE: Luna has issues.
MALACHITE: [Joe Saeba] Nookie!!

>as if it were completely oblivious of the white bandage 
>affixed to its forehead. 

JADEITE: Since she has fur, it must hurt.

>I don't know how this cat got here... Serena thought, 
>stooping down 

MALACHITE: She stoops to the cat. How humble.

>to the cat's eye 

JADEITE: The eye of the tiger.
ZOISITE: Cat's Eye was a great series!

>level, but I might as well try to remove its bandage. 
>Slowly and cautiously 

JADEITE: Obviously, *this* merits a lot of exposition.

>moving her hands towards the cat's head, Serena got 
>just close enough, then

NEPHLITE: She reached out and touched her.
MALACHITE: Hurry up, Alex. Play the ocarina.

>she peeled the gum-sealed bandage off, removing it from 
>right to left, 

ZOISITE: Why not the other way?
NEPHLITE: It's a Japanese thing. You wouldn't understand.
OTHERS: ...

>peeling with both of her hands. 

JADEITE: That's nice. Care to *do* something?

>A moment later, the small operation was done, 

MALACHITE: A small killing...

>and yet the cat had hardly moved. Flinching, Serena tossed 
>the bandage aside 

ALL: Litterbug!
ZOISITE: You man of rubbish! Disposal is destiny of yours.

>and looked at the cat's uncovered forehead - where there 
>was now a 

JADEITE: --jellyfish!

>crescent-shaped white mark in the animal's fur. 

NEPHLITE: Yes, we know this. Can we move on now?

>
>Standing up again, Serena shook her head rapidly. 

ZOISITE: [Serena] I disbelieve the illusion!
JADEITE: Deny everything, and make counter-accusations.

>This is definitely stranger than "Ranma 1/2", she told herself, 

MALACHITE: Not until you do Anything-Goes Moondusting.

>I wonder if that's a birthmark at all. But then she watched 
>as the cat walked out of her room through the half-open window. 

MALACHITE: [Serena] Wait! I wanted you to come to my window...
NEPHLITE: Chris Davies is not amused.

>Her mouth dropping open, 

ALL: [Serena] Oro?

>Serena wondered, What was that all about? Still... does it 
>matter? I've got better things to do.

JADEITE: Just like Dennis Hopper.
MALACHITE: What is this, "The Last Sailor Moon Movie"?

>Putting it out of her mind, the young woman went back to 
>her morning routine 

ALL: Serena's usual morning.

>of showering, changing her clothes, and... 

ZOISITE: Repeatedly beating up Gensuke and Yamiko.

>
>...At seven-thirty, Serena, dressed and ready to go, ran 
>downstairs. 

JADEITE: Using up her supply of commas.

>"Mother!" she yelled, "Do you have my lunch ready?"

NEPHLITE: What, are you expecting semi-obscure Dragonball 
characters to just show up and be ready?
ZOISITE: Or the doll from Marionette Generation.
MALACHITE: Thank you for your insightful comments.

>Breathing heavily, she stared anxiously at her mother, 
>who was silently working at the kitchen counter, back 
>turned from her daughter. 

MALACHITE: She's trying to hide the knife.

>
>"Oh, Serena," Mrs. Tsukino said with a pronounced sigh, 

ALL: Sigh.

>"Must you *demand* it? You know how hard it's been since your
>father left... 

JADEITE: Such stock background.
ZOISITE: Hey, that was Michiru-san's line!

>But for now, here you go," she said placidly, handing the 
>cold metal bento box 

NEPHLITE: Get bento!

>to her daughter, and added just as Serena was heading for 
>the door, "Behave yourself at school... won't you, Serena?" 

[They all laugh in an evil way.]

ZOISITE: No, Serena is *not* Asuka Langley. Get it right.

>
>Without a word, the young Tsukino 

JADEITE: The young master.

>shut the door, and then all was quiet again. 

MALACHITE: All was quiet again on the western front.
NEPHLITE: [British] Be like Laurence Olivier in the privacy 
of your own home!

>
>*** 
>Several hours later, math period began in Miss Haruna's 
>classroom, and a storm cloud appeared above Serena's head. 

JADEITE: Sure is funny weather here...
ZOISITE: [Serena] It's that Tomoyo girl. I wish she'd get 
the camera out of the classroom.

>She was seated between Melvin and Molly - possibly the two 
>best students in her class, maybe her school - 

NEPHLITE: Assuming everyone else is rock stupid.

>and yet the rules forbade her from looking at their papers. 

MALACHITE: I think there's a reason for that.
ZOISITE: Give a reason for rules.

>Damn them, Serena thought, clenching her fingers into her 
>palms, damn them all to hell. 

JADEITE: Those hussies. They'll pay.

>I will overcome temptation, 

NEPHLITE: Must... resist... temptation...
JADEITE: Don't worry! I'm constipated!

>and still do well! 
>
>"Today's test," Miss Haruna said, ignoring Serena's naked fury, 

ZOISITE: That was a pretty good movie.

>"will be over the concepts that we have studied for the past
>week. 

MALACHITE: As opposed to the concepts that they will study 
next week.

>Assuming that you've kept up with your studies, I believe 
>you will all do well. Here it is - go at it!" 

ALL: Ganbatte!
ZOISITE: I think this story was secretly fansubbed.

>She began to hand out the sheets of paper. 

JADEITE: No, she threw the papers randomly. Of course!

>Serena took one last glance at Melvin, then one at Molly. 

NEPHLITE: And here she is, stuck in the middle with them.
JADEITE: [Serena] Nah... better not.

>Both of them were silent and still. Damn them... 

MALACHITE: Yes, they'll pay. Can we move on now?

>*** 
>The Negaverse was a perpendicular universe. 

[All laugh.]

ZOISITE: That would make things difficult if they decide 
to send someone to another dimension.

>It existed in three dimensions, yet was completely intangible 
>to the people of Earth. In fact, as Queen Beryl had discovered 
>many years ago, even if the creatures of her world teleported - 
>which they could do without personal risk - 

NEPHLITE: What is this, AD&D?
MALACHITE: Everyone gets free experience points just for signing 
up with the Negaverse.

>to the world of Earth, their presence was indetectable unless they 
>openly manifested it. So it had been, for countless years, 

MALACHITE: Forever and ever, amen.

>that Beryl could send her minions to drain the chi 

JADEITE: Chi Guevara.

>from Earth's citizens, and give their energy of life to
>the ever-hungry Negaforce. 

ZOISITE: [Negaforce] FEED ME!!

>
>That was, however, until the coming of Sailor V. 

NEPHLITE: She caused the Negaforce to have indigestion.
ZOISITE: [Negaforce] FEED ME NEGA-ROLAIDS!!

>
>With this singular opponent, Beryl's supply of chi had been cut 
>in half. 

JADEITE: Plus, the price of gas went up.
NEPHLITE: No more Chichi or Chichiri...

>She had been forced to divide her forces into two
>categories: generals and monsters. 

MALACHITE: Gods and monsters, even.

>Currently, her most successful general was Jadeite, a man who 
>pursued her heart. 

JADEITE: Gaaaaachh--

[He hits the floor.]

ZOISITE: That's a *scary* thought.

>In Queen Beryl's eyes, he could control even the monsters which 
>had no minds with skill and authority. She needed Jadeite and his skill 

NEPHLITE: No. We are not going there.

>to evade the eyes of Sailor V, 

MALACHITE: [singing] I won't regret - Sailor Eyes...

[Jadeite gets back into his chair.]

ZOISITE: Welcome back.
JADEITE: Thanks... I guess.

>or otherwise the Negaforce might reject her power as Queen. 
>
>Safely seated in the hall of 

NEPHLITE: --the dragon king.

>her unofficial superior, Beryl faced the black crystal 

JADEITE: The Dark Crystal?

>that rested on the wall before her without a hint
>of fear in her expression. 

MALACHITE: I never knew walls could show such emotion.

>She knew the Negaforce communicated through this idol, and if she 
>were humble, 

ZOISITE: Had we time and world enough...

>she could freely talk to it. Boldly, she said, "I wish to summon 
>General Jadeite. 

JADEITE: [Beryl as Ash] Jadeite, I choose you. Negaball, go!

>Find him for me, great Negaforce." 
>
>The colorless crystal, antithesis of the legendary Imperium Silver 
>Crystal, spoke back: "He shall be summoned, Beryl. 

NEPHLITE: [deep] That could mean only one thing--a SUMMON.
MALACHITE: If this requires drawing a pentagram, I'm leaving.

>Jadeite shall be told to not fail you." As always, the voice that 
>emanated from the crystal 

JADEITE: --sounded just like Marge Simpson.

>was hollow and without emotion. Not even the
>full supply of chi that the Negaforce required could correct that. 

MALACHITE: That's what you get when you update your operating 
system.

>
>"I will watch the general as well," Beryl said, holding the armrest 
>on the left of her throne 

ZOISITE: I'm sure that's an important detail.
NEPHLITE: Where would *you* put an armrest?

>tightly. 
>
>*** 
>In the Tokyo that Serena knew, 

NEPHLITE: Not the seamy, disgusting one with pachinko parlors.

>there was but one shop that specialized in jewelry. Its sole 
>proprietor, one Mrs. Osaka, did a fair business there - 

MALACHITE: No.

>it was all she could do to help her daughter Molly through school. 
>Like most of the citizens of Tokyo, Mrs. Osaka knew of Sailor V, 

JADEITE: Yes, but does she buy the Sailor V collectible cards?
ZOISITE: I'm sure they'll be valuable someday.

>though she considered the young heroine to be but an urban legend. 
>According to Mrs. Osaka, the sudden decline in reports about Sailor 
>V's crime-fighting activities was just another proof that she did not 
>exist. 

NEPHLITE: That, and the fact that the "reports" were all published 
in the Weekly World News, next to the exploding Turkish cow.

>
>That day, two figures converged on Mrs. Osaka's jewelry shop. Both 
>were of the Negaverse. 

ALL: [Luna] The Negaverse!!

>
>Jadeite and his monster stood on the roof of the shop, 

JADEITE: [himself] Have I told you the one about the plumber?
MALACHITE: [monster] No... please do!

>ducking down enough that they might not be casually noticed. The
>general, smoothing out his crisp blond hair, 

ZOISITE: [Jadeite] I am so smooth.
NEPHLITE: Akira Yuzuriha should sue.

>said to the monster, "Beryl is watching - and I know you also feel 
>her presence. I must leave soon to report my energy-gathering progress 
>to her, 

MALACHITE: Yeah, right.

>and so there is much for you to do. 

JADEITE: So many arrows, so few targets.

>First, you will capture the shop's owner. Do what you want with her, 

MALACHITE: [monster] Can I eat her and stuff her?
JADEITE: [himself] No, you fool!
MALACHITE: [monster] Can I use her innards for a light, fluffy quiche?
JADEITE: [himself] We're Negaverse villains. We don't eat quiche!

>but then impersonate the woman. As soon as possible, infect the 
>wares with an energy-draining agent. 

ZOISITE: Agent Orange.
NEPHLITE: Does any non-computer geek use the word "wares" on a 
regular basis?

>Make sure that the customers buy the jewelry, and when you have 
>a sufficient supply of life energy, return to the Negaverse. And... 

JADEITE: [monster] *Then* can I make a quiche?

>keep a low profile," Jadeite said, looking straight into the 
>deformed, 

NEPHLITE: A superdeformed monster? How's that going to help?
MALACHITE: Maybe this has turned into Pretty Sammy.

>calloused face of the monster. 
>
>In reply, the monster saluted, 

ALL: Jawohl!

>and said bluntly, "I will comply." It continued to stand at 
>attention even as the general teleported back to the Negaverse. 

JADEITE: Stupid, stupid nega-monster.

>
>Then the monster smiled. It knew exactly what to do. 

ZOISITE: [monster] I'll go to MacArthur park, and bake a cake.

>
>*** 
>After several anxious hours, and just as the classroom was filled 
>with the students getting their schoolbags ready to leave, 

MALACHITE: The bags can get up and leave on their own will.
JADEITE: Is this one of those Japanese things?

[The others groan.]

>Miss Haruna said, "One moment please! Let me hand back the 
>English tests. Sorry to keep you waiting," she said, giggling slightly.

NEPHLITE: Who gave her nitrous oxide?

>Meanwhile, a good portion of the class - especially Serena - 
>trembled in fear. 

ZOISITE: You know, fear of the teacher is the beginning of 
wisdom.

>Holding her breath, Serena watched as Miss Haruna came closer 
>to her... very slowly. 

MALACHITE: [Haruna] Must... not... act!
JADEITE: How slow can you go?

>Then the sensei handed back her paper... and just as slowly 
>and anxiously, 

NEPHLITE: Without advancing the plot...

>Serena gazed over her paper. One second later, she threw the 
>test aside and put her head down on the desk. Thirty percent! 

JADEITE: That's a new record, right?

>Damn, I knew I didn't do well... but this is horrid! What's 
>the use? Serena asked herself, oblivious to the others around her. 

MALACHITE: No wonder others avoid her.
ZOISITE: Were it not for the angst, she could do a convincing 
Miaka impression.

>
>Five minutes passed, and even after the others walked out, 
>Molly drew close to Serena. "You know, Serena," the young
>Osaka 

JADEITE: The young lady Chatterley.

>said quietly, "Let's forget about this, and do something fun. 
>Like... go shopping. How about that?" 

ZOISITE: [Molly] Shall we adhere to our stereotypes?

>It was a hellaciously long minute 

NEPHLITE: Yup, I tell ya it was hellacious!
JADEITE: [Bart Simpson] Hell hell hell hell hell hell hell...
MALACHITE: [Homer] Bart!
JADEITE: [Bart] What the hell?

>before Serena raised her head again. Her eyes closed and 
>her face still pointed toward the now-warm desk, 

MALACHITE: Toasty.

>Serena said, "Yes. Yes, that sounds like a good idea." 
>Sullenly, she stood up and followed Molly as they
>walked out of the classroom, into 

ZOISITE: --a runaway kangaroo!

>the empty halls of Crossroads Junior High. 
>
>*** 
>Molly opened the door to the jewelry store, 

JADEITE: Ooh, sparkly.

>and was not alarmed by the considerable crowd in the 
>place. 

MALACHITE: The fact that they were all naked alarmed her.
NEPHLITE: Is Rezo there?

>"Here you go, Serena," she said calmly, "This is the store 
>my mother owns. Let's see if we can find anything." 

JADEITE: [Molly] Enjoy my exposition!

>Dragging her friend through the thick cloud of people, the 
>young Osaka 

ZOISITE: That's getting tiring.
NEPHLITE: Is there an old Osaka?

>made her way to the counter, and turned towards the woman 
>who appeared to be her mother, 

ZOISITE: --but was actually her brother.

>saying to her, "Hello! I've brought Serena with me, but we 
>won't be long." 

JADEITE: [singing] It won't be long 'til I'll be lovin' you...

>
>The monster, imitating Mrs. Osaka's voice, replied, "Oh, 
>don't worry about staying long! 

MALACHITE: Yes, it's evil. Really evil. Was there any 
doubt?
NEPHLITE: Well... some people don't catch on to these 
things quickly.

>We're having a sale today... ninety percent off everything! 
>I'm *sure* that you'll find something to buy." 

ZOISITE: That made the list of Top Ten RPG Shopkeeper Lines.

>The disguised monster laughed quietly, and quickly rubbed
>its hands together. 

NEPHLITE: [Tom Servo] Acting!

>
>"Mother?" Molly asked, "Isn't that price cut a little much?" 
>She quickly turned toward Serena, but her friend was still 
>looking limp and listless. 

MALACHITE: [Molly] What did you do to your hair?!

>"Oh, screw it, Serena," she muttered, 

JADEITE: [Molly] I am filled with angst and loathing. Grrr.
NEPHLITE: Paycheck!

>then said loudly, "Would you like to go home? I might be a 
>while here, since my mother will need me to take care of all 
>these customers. Can you find your way home?" 

ZOISITE: [Serena] Well... knowing how I often get lost on the 
way to the bathroom...

>
>The young Tsukino 

JADEITE: Portrait of the author as a young Tsukino.

>looked into Molly's eyes, and a faint glimmer of satisfaction 
>shone in Serena's eyes. "Yes. I can manage that," she said, 
>and weaved 

MALACHITE: --a story.
ZOISITE: It's been too long since I played "Loom."

>her way through the crowd and out of the store. 
>
>Her eyes glazed over, 

NEPHLITE: With a tasty frosting.

>Molly waved to Serena to bid her farewell. Sighing in 
>frustration, she walked away from the counter. 
>
>*** 

JADEITE: [Molly] Ouch! Who put the stars here?

>"Time to dispose of the evidence," Serena said with a hint 
>of a growl in her voice. 

MALACHITE: She sounds just like Haruka.

>She stomped out of the store, saw a garbage
>can on the sidewalk, and threw the English test towards it. 

ZOISITE: She's a woman of rubbish. Disposal is destiny of hers.

>In mid-air, though, the leaf of paper changed direction, and 
>flew in front of a young man's face. 

MALACHITE: [Serena] Sorry! Did I hit you with a deus ex 
machina?
JADEITE: It's a "meet cute" for today's audiences!

>Realizing that she had made a social blunder, Serena walked up 
>to him and said, "That's mine!" 
>
>The young man looked back at her, his expression blank. 

NEPHLITE: [Darien] Duh?
MALACHITE: [same] Oro?

>"You can have it," he said solemnly, "I suggest you study harder for
>your tests." 

JADEITE: Here's the real test. Will she act like Akira?

>
>Snatching the paper out of his hands, Serena glared at him, 
>saying, "You damn well better believe I will." 

ZOISITE: [Serena] Bakayarou!
JADEITE: Not quite the same, but close enough.

>As before, she stomped away, walking on every crack in the sidewalk. 

MALACHITE: [Mrs. Tsukino] Aaaaaaarrrrggh!

>
>Several minutes later, Serena returned to her home. Finding her 
>little brother 

NEPHLITE: --Sota.
ZOISITE: It's Sam, but he's wearing his "Shingo" cap.

>Sam quickly ushering her before her mother, she
>stood before Mrs. Tsukino, the paper in her right hand, and a 
>nervous expression on her face. "I'm sorry, mother," 

JADEITE: Hello, mother.
MALACHITE: Serena's one bad mother...

>she said without emotion, "I am not a good student." 

NEPHLITE: This story redefines minimalist acting.

>With one deliberate motion, she gave the test to her mother. 
>
>"Serena," her mother said flatly, "Go to your room." 

NEPHLITE: What was I just saying?
JADEITE: [Mrs. Tsukino] ThE mASter WiLl see YOu tHerE...

>Mrs. Tsukino unceremoniously placed the test in the garbage 
>can of their family room, and silenly retreated to her kitchen. 

MALACHITE: It could be several dozen pages before something 
*happens.*

>
>Aware that Sam was watching her every move, Serena walked 
>upstairs, feeling the cross grow heavy on her back. 

ZOISITE: She must be wearing a lot of jewelry.
JADEITE: You guys have a choice. You can either go out the 
window, or take the stairs.

>Closing the door to her room, the daughter of the Tsukino 
>family dropped all of her schoolbooks on the ground when she saw
>the black cat again. 

MALACHITE: The cat came back the very next day.
NEPHLITE: [Serena] Damn you, Cat Stevens!

>"This has been one hell of a bad day," she said with a snarl, 

ZOISITE: Oh, good. It's a *catfight.*

>"Now things are getting just plain damn weird."
>She sat down on her bed, ignoring the mess of books. 

MALACHITE: Or the mess of pottage.

>
>"I'm very sorry to hear that," a voice said. 
>
>Opening her eyes wide, 

MALACHITE: --shut.
JADEITE: [singing] I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake, I'm not 
sleeping...

>Serena looked around her room. No one was waiting at her door... 

MALACHITE: Or the window.
NEPHLITE: Be quiet.

>and certainly no one was in her room - except for the cat. 

ZOISITE: That darn cat!

>"The cat talks," Serena said to herself, not knowing what to 
>make of this revelation. 

NEPHLITE: [Faust] The fifth trumpet!
MALACHITE: You be quiet. No more obscure Viz manga references 
for you.

>
>After a brief pause, the cat walked closer to Serena. "Yes, 
>I did," the cat said softly, "I'm Luna, I'm a cat, and 

JADEITE: [Bob the Tomato] --I'm here to help you!

>I'm here to help you." 

[Jadeite hits the floor again.]

ZOISITE: [Jr. Asparagus] Woah... deja vu.

>
>Suddenly, Serena began laughing - this was all too absurd. 

JADEITE: Well said. Ouch...

>She exclaimed, "Well, Luna the cat, what are you here for? Do I
>have some sort of cosmic destiny to fulfill?" 

MALACHITE: [Serena] Human complementation program... huh?

>She stood up again, and closed the window - 

NEPHLITE: We're getting entirely too much mileage out of 
the window.

>the cat would not get away again, if she had her way. 

ZOISITE: [Serena] I did it... my way.

[Jadeite gets back into his seat.]

>
>Luna sighed. 

ALL: Sigh.

>Hopping up on Serena's bed, she replied, "No. Let's just 
>say that your friend Molly is going to need some help.

NEPHLITE: [Luna] What with Melvin as a boyfriend...

>Since I assume you're going to be a bit apprehensive to trust 
>a talking cat... here's a jewel for you..." 

MALACHITE: Figure out a connection between those two phrases.
JADEITE: Ummm... what's that on the ceiling?

>Luna jumped up, flipped three hundred and sixty degrees 
>midair, and produced a small, clear, spherical diamond 

NEPHLITE: Quark the dragon is not amused.
ZOISITE: Butt nugget!

>out of subspace. 
>
>Though this left Serena scratching her head, she picked up 
>the jewel 

NEPHLITE: The dragon diamond.

>from the bed where it lay, and asked, "Well, Luna, what
>now? What do you want me to do?" Her expression changed from 
>one of amusement 

JADEITE: You sayin' I'm some sorta angsty clown here to amuse you?!

>to a face-creasing sarcastic smile. 
>
>Realizing that time was running out, 

ZOISITE: Five minutes of episode left.

>Luna said rapidly, "Hold it, close your eyes, and be quiet. 
>Everything will happen before you know it." 

MALACHITE: Luna's giving her Hitomi's pendant.
NEPHLITE: Plot contrivances!

>Luna gave the young woman a reassuring smile. 
>
>"I might as well," Serena said with a despondent shrug. 

JADEITE: She has six different types of shrugs.

>She did as Luna had told, and-- 
>
>Sailor Moon was reborn that day. 

NEPHLITE: How abrupt.
ZOISITE: [Sailor Moon as Kuno] I am revived!!

>
>"Oh, Luna," Sailor Moon said, looking over her costume, 
>"Thank you. Now, let me find out where Molly is." 

JADEITE: Where the boys are.

>She touched the bead on the right side of her golden headpiece, 

ZOISITE: The golden headpiece of Mambrino.

>and saw the whole scene: the customers in the Osaka
>jewelry store were on the floor, unconscious, Molly's "mother" 
>had now the pock-marked face of a monster, 

MALACHITE: That's just gross.
ZOISITE: I wish we had normal-looking monsters.

>and the young girl was on the floor, shaking and pleading for 
>her own life. 

NEPHLITE: [Molly] Hotohori! Nuriko! Chichiri!
OTHERS: Nephlite...

>
>Looking toward Luna the cat with determination, Sailor Moon 
>said, "It's past time to help her. Let's go, Luna!"

JADEITE: It's time to *rumble*!
ZOISITE: [Gai] Let's go, Gekiganger!

>Thrusting her window back open, she leaped outside, 

MALACHITE: Isn't her room on the second floor?

>and began running down the street. Smiling broadly, Luna
>jumped off the bed and followed the Sailor out of the room. 

MALACHITE: Well... maybe not.
NEPHLITE: Hey, superheroes can do anything.

>
>*** 
>On the roof of the jewelry store, a solitary figure now stood. 
>He was no monster, but instead he wore an impeccable black
>tuxedo and hat, 

ZOISITE: [Tuxedo Mask] I go to President Tuxedo! Ask me about 
their rates.

>and a white mask over his face. Yes, he thought, examining 
>the area, a monster is definitely active in this
>area. I must stop it before it causes anyone serious harm... 

JADEITE: What about humorous harm?

>and yet I must remain unseen. Now, how shall I begin? 

NEPHLITE: First, wait for the dramatically appropriate 
moment...

>
>A moment later, he made his decision. Tuxedo Mask opened the 
>hatch on the roof, and climbed down a ladder that had been
>installed there. He was ready. 

MALACHITE: [Akira] I'm ready for anything!

>
>*** 
>Sailor Moon threw the door to the Osakas' shop open, pointed 
>straight at the unmasked monster with her right hand,

JADEITE: It's rude to point.
NEPHLITE: Why is the monster "unmasked"?

>and declared, "You were sent here by the Negaverse to gather 
>the energy of people - and for that I will punish you! 

ZOISITE: Blah blah blah, Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu.

>For I am Sailor Moon, the reborn champion of justice." Not 
>willing to waste any more time, 

NEPHLITE: Good idea. No more Dragonball-style taunts.

>she removed her headband, and aimed it right at the monster, 
>who stood behind the counter, not moving. 

JADEITE: Uhhh... duh?
ZOISITE: It's like an 8-bit console RPG.

>
>"Just a moment - I will help you, Sailor Moon," shouted a voice 
>from the other end of the shop. Tuxedo Mask jumped
>off the ladder he had climbed down upon, and drew a red rose from 
>the folds of his formal suit. 

MALACHITE: While he was doing that, the "headband" had already 
killed the monster twice over.
NEPHLITE: I don't get it. Maybe it's just an ordinary headband.

>He winked at Sailor Moon, and they attacked simultaneously. 

JADEITE: Who do they think they are, the Wonder Twins?

>The monster was hit in the front and back of its torso, 

MALACHITE: Nice shot. How the hell did you do it?

>and after a shrill, brief shriek of pain, vanished into the air. 
>
>The coast now clear, Tuxedo Mask leapt back unto the ladder. 

ZOISITE: The ladder... that wasn't there before.
MALACHITE: Obviously, the prop crew is busy.

>"Thank you, Sailor Moon, for coming to help me - it's
>good to have you back," he said calmly. 
>
>After a nervous pause, the young Sailor looked at her comrade-in-arms, 

NEPHLITE: [Moon] Zdrasvutare, comrade.

>and replied, "No, thank you, Tuxedo Mask - it's good to know *you're* 
>back," she said, fighting back some tears from her eyes. 

JADEITE: Fighting tears by moonlight.
ZOISITE: She's got tears in her ears from lying in the tub...

>
>Just then, the customers began to stir again. Luna entered the shop, 
>and said to the heroine, "Sailor Moon, I think you
>remember this - 

MALACHITE: You must remember this.
ZOISITE: A kiss is...
NEPHLITE: Oh, God. I can't look.

[Nephlite and Jadeite turn away for a moment.]

>but do close your eyes and wait. We don't want the Negaverse to know about 
>your other identity." 
>
>Sighing, Sailor Moon closed her eyes, 

ZOISITE: Every time she closes her eyes, she still can see his smile.

[Nephlite groans.]

>and let her thoughts of Tuxedo Mask go-- 
>
>"Oh, shit," 

JADEITE: Back to her world of sh**.
MALACHITE: [Serena] Part-time angst. It's what I do best.

>Serena said, looking around the shop, her mouth falling open, "What the 
>hell happened here? Molly - this better not
>be your doing. And where did your mother go?" 

NEPHLITE: Where did your personality go?

>
>Just coming back into the land of the conscious, Molly looked towards her 
>friend and stated, "I don't know. The one I thought
>was my mother turned into a monster, 

ZOISITE: A pocket monster.
JADEITE: Is there a herd of Kangaskans here?

>and... and..." She stopped, and began sobbing. 
>
>Shrugging her shoulders, Serena said coldly, "I can't really help you. 

MALACHITE: [Serena] Not that I, the great Serena, care about peons 
such as you.

[Zoisite groans.]

>See you tomorrow, Molly." With a casual gesture towards
>Luna to come and follow her, Serena walked out of the store. 

JADEITE: Right into a lamppost.
NEPHLITE: [Kyoko] Yusaku-kun!

>
>"Really, Serena," Luna said angrily, hissing slightly, "That's rather 
>rude of you. Couldn't you at least try to help?" 

ZOISITE: Indeed. Like I said before, she is not Asuka.

>
>Serena stopped in her tracks. "Very well then, Luna," she said, stomping 
>her left foot 

JADEITE: Just like Mr. Ed.

>on the pavement, "I'll do just that. Damn."
>Without wasting any other words, 

MALACHITE: Words aren't wasted on her.

>the young Tsukino walked back inside the store. 
>
>Grudgingly walking up toward Molly, Serena said stiffly, "I'm back. Is there 
>something I can do to help?" 

JADEITE: [Molly] Yes. I ordered a cheeseburger and fries...

>
>"Yes," Molly replied, just then standing up, "Where is my real mother? 
>Find her, Serena," the young victim said. 

NEPHLITE: Molly's a victim? How?
MALACHITE: A victim of a monster attack. You know, when nega-monsters attack...

>
>Moments later, Serena took the ladder down to the basement. Good God, Molly, 

[Everyone cracks up.]

ZOISITE: Little Richard will not be pleased.

>she thought, Can't you find your mother *yourself*? Stepping onto the cold 
>basement floor, she looked about the room. 

JADEITE: There's a treasure chest. Do you open it?
MALACHITE: Yes.
JADEITE: OK. Roll two ten-sided dice.

>Then she saw it - in the corner was Mrs.
>Osaka, tied up, gagged, and her midsection bleeding badly... 
>
>
>Continued in Chapter 2! 

NEPHLITE: That's a pretty weak ending.
ZOISITE: It matches up to the dark, angsty tone.

>
>Back to Welcome Page 
>
>Back to I.N.T.O. Page 

JADEITE: As opposed to the O.U.T.S.I.D.E. page.

>
>This page was created, by John Alan "I.N.T.O." Riggs, on September 
>20, 1998. 

MALACHITE: So why didn't anyone hear about it earlier?
NEPHLITE: Lack of advertising.

>For disclaimers, please see the I.N.T.O. Index. 
>
>
>

ZOISITE: This story needs work. It's bad enough as a rehash of a well-
known episode, but the angst seems half-done. 
NEPHLITE: Akira would write this story so much better.
JADEITE: What, no mention of Yamiko?
NEPHLITE: You be quiet.

[pause]

MALACHITE: Are we done arguing now?
JADEITE: Yes.
MALACHITE: Good. It's time to go.

[Not surprisingly, they leave.]

--
Queen Beryl, still disheveled from her fight with Michiru, cackled 
as she looked over her meters and meters of blueprints. "Curse you 
generals!" she exclaimed, talking to no-one but herself, "I will 
triumph... I will keep you from leaving Nega-Hell. And I have the 
technology to do it."

She heard a knock at the door. However, she did not exclaim "Fate!" 
Instead, she quietly told the person, "Come in."

"Heika!" Nephlite said to her, saluting, "I have arrived, just as 
you commanded me to do in your SUMMON."

Beryl glanced away from her mecha prototypes. "I didn't send a 
SUMMON. I don't even know what a SUMMON is," she replied.

A frown creased Nephlite's face. He sweatdropped. "I think we have a 
bit of a communication breakdown," he muttered. 

"In any event," Beryl continued, "Important things are happening, 
and I wouldn't want you to miss a one of them. Nephlite, do you 
remember Project A-ko?" She looked at him, with a delirious leer 
on her face.

Slightly taken aback by the queen's expression, Nephlite told her, 
"How could I forget it?"

"Good," she said, in a rather evil way. "You must recall B-ko's 
difficulties in creating durable, constructive mechas. However, 
in my infinite evilness, I have drafted plans to build even 
better ones!"

The moment she looked away, Nephlite brushed away the sweatdrop. A 
bit concerned for his health and sanity, he asked her, "Is this 
all a plan to advance our evolution to the next stage of 
development? Because if it is, I might opt to skip out."

She didn't even bother to give him a second look. "I am evil, 
Nephlite," Beryl reminded him, "Even if that were my plan, you 
would not have the option of skipping out." She paused for one 
excruciatingly long second, and added, "Get the point?"

He nodded in agreement. Overcome by embarrassment, Nephlite 
proceeded to pass out.

--
TO BE CONTINUED
in The Cry for Help, chapter 1-2

-Alan

April 14, 2000

e-mail: ChrOtaku@xoommail.com
Anime humor: members.xoom.com/ChrOtaku
Nega-Hell: fanficoutlet.tripod.com/negahell
Elfquest spoofs: eq_addiction.tripod.com

"Sailor Moon," and everything associated with it, is
copyright 1992-7 Naoko Takeuchi, Bandai, Kodansha
Comics, DiC, Buena Vista, Mixx, Pioneer, and others.
The idea of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyright
1989-99 Best Brains, Inc. Feel free to distribute this
fanfic/MSTing, but please don't remove my name from it,
and don't try to make money off it.

Stinger:
>This is definitely stranger than "Ranma 1/2"