Shinji: . . Is this love . . . ?
AL-AARAAF
(The Junction between
Heaven and Hell)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Rei: Why have you come
here?
What Does your soul seek?
Do you desire Repentance?
does your heart ache?
do you wish for Revenge?
Do you feel hatred?
Why have you come here?
What brings you to this place?
Why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(There is only light here)
Shinji: . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . .
Shinji: . . . Where am I?
. . .
Voices: "Where Am I?"
. . .
Shinji: . . ?
. . .
Voices: This is not the question you must ask.
. . .
Voices: The correct question is, "Why Am I"
. . .
Shinji: Am . . . Am I dead?
. . .
Voices: . . .
. . .
Shinji: Is this Heaven?
. . .
Voices: No. But you can see its light . . .
. . .
Shinji: Then . . . This is Hell?
. . .
Voices: No. But you can feel its warmth, from here . . .
. . .
Shinji: . . . What is this place . . ?
. . .
Voices: You are nowhere . . .
. . .
Shinji: Who are you?
. . .
Voice: Shinji?
Shinji: . .Mother?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
. . .
. . .
Shinji: How long has it been . . .?
. . . (ECHO: How long?)
Voices: A day?
. . .(ECHO: A Day?)
Voices: A week?
. . .(ECHO: A Week?)
Voices: A millennium?
Shinji: It’s so warm here . . .
Yui: Shinji?
Shinji: Mother . . . but . . .
Yui: Shinji . . .
Shinji: But you’re gone . . .
Yui: never.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Shinji: breath . . .
Voices: You have not the need . . .
Shinji: What has happened?
Voices: The Final wish.
Shinji: . . .?
Voices: ascension.
Shinji: . . . ?
Voices: The next stage of Humanity.
Shinji: . . .
Voices: The self which is, and the self which is perceived, are now as one.
Voices: The self that is the self.
Voices: The self that is part of another.
Voices: Many aspects of the same being,
Voices: Now, together.
Shinji: . . . how?
Voices: Because . . .
Voices: Because, now, there is only one self.
Voices: One being.
Voices: The individual no longer exists.
Voices: The many, together, as one.
Voices: United, body and soul.
Shinji: . . U . . united?
Yui: United.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision . . . Aoi and Lyn, lying together,
in the darkness . . .)
Aoi: . . .
Lyn: . . .
Aoi: . . .
(The girl descends—kissing him delicately, passionately on the lips . . .)
Aoi: I love you . . .
(stroking her hair, the boy meets her gaze, looking at her for a long time . . .)
Lyn: Is this wrong . . . ?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Voices)
Shinji: . . Is this love . . . ?
Misato: What is love, Shinji?
Asuka: Is it lust for another’s body?
Rei: Is it lust for another’s soul?
Kowaru: What is love?
. . .
Shinji: I don’t know . . .
Kowaru: You wish to know?
Shinji: . . .Yes.
Kowaru: Then Confront the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Voices: A mother’s love?
Yui: Be happy, Shinji.
Shinji: Mother . . . Mother . . .
Yui: I only want you to be happy. My life for yours.
Shinji: then . . then why did you leave me . . . ?
Yui: I never left you.
Shinji: Then . . you let me feel pain?
Yui: No. This was your own doing . . .
Shinji: How?!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Vision . . . Shinji,
in his plugsuit, sitting alone in a dimly lit cell.
At the doorway, stands a figure.
It is Misato.)
Shinji: How can I know if you won’t tell me. . .
Misato: Knowing is not the purpose. The act of striving
to know . . . the act of learning. This is what
you must strive for. Otherwise, you will discover the truth, only
to deny it.
Shinji: Why do I deny the truth?
Misato: Because the truth hurts.
Shinji: . . .
Misato: We can avoid the truth through delusion. Through
shaping and twisting that which we call
perception, to make the outcome different from what it is.
Shinji: It is a lie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Vision . . . Rei,
Beneath Shinji . . . her clothing torn, her scarred shoulder visible .
. .)
Rei: Why do you hurt me?
Shinji: Because . .I want to hurt myself.
Rei: No.
Shinji: . . .
Rei: A lie.
Shinji: . . .
Rei: You see me
with hate in your
eyes.
the normal one;
The girl
that will not bleed
Shinji: . . . hate. . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Two children--each, little over 6 years of
age--sit, playing in the sand of a lonely beach,
beneath a cloudless, blue sky . . .)
Lyn: Why is your name ‘Ikari?’
Shinji: . . I don’t know. It . . just . . .is.
Lyn: But . . . In my book, it says Ikari means ‘hatred’
Shinji: . . .
Lyn: does that mean you hate everybody?
Shinji: No.
Lyn: . . .
(At their feet, a sand castle slowly takes
shape . . . it is not a simple mound,
however, but a perfect pyramid . . .)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Vision . . . the Geofront Pyramid, its highly
polished surface gleaming brightly
in the filtered light of the noon sun . . . at its base, Rei Ayanami
and Aoi Tamashii stand,dressed in school uniforms . . .)
Aoi: The pyramid. A shape Symbolic for Ambition.
Rei: Mankind’s ambition.
Aoi: The desire to be greater than the self. To achieve
a plane of thought and existence
that exceeds that which
is.
Rei: To be closer to heaven?
Aoi: The highest peak, at the very focal point. This is man's
desired place.
Rei: To be closer to his God?
Aoi: "Ikari" also means "Ambition."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyn: What is YOUR meaning?
Shinji: I have none . . .I . . . I am Shinji.
Lyn: You are strange.
Shinji: If I am weird . . .then what is normal?
Lyn: I am normal.
Shinji: . . . why?
Lyn: Because I see the world through my own eyes.
Shinji: Then . . . everyone else is different? To you?
Lyn: To all of us.
Shinji: . . .
(Shrugging, The children
continue to play in the sand. With broken sticks in hand, they trace
lines and curves idly in the dirt as they talk . . .)
Lyn: Is father someone you want to be like?
Shinji: No.
Lyn: Is father someone you don't admire?
Shinji: No.
Lyn: What do you want to be, then? Why not like him?
Shinji: My father hates me . . .
Lyn: Do you hate father?
Shinji: . . .no . . .
Lyn: What is father, then?
Shinji: . . . Father is . . . he is . . .
(The boy falls to his haunches saying nothing . . .
and we can see, then,
The children have inexplicably traced, in the sand, A tree of life . . .)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(another place)
Gendo: It’s pure selfishness, you know. Your life hasn’t
any sort of importance for me, obviously, but it’s
very rare for Fate to bring one face to face with one’s own ghost, when
young.
Shinji: I am NOT like you!!!
Gendo: Is that so?
Shinji: . . .
Gendo: Or do you want to hate me, because you see yourself EXACTLY
as you see me?
You know what we share . . . yet your own truth is so distorted you refuse
to
acknowledge it. . .
Shinji: . . .
Gendo: Merely because you choose to hate yourself.
Shinji: You killed my Mother!!! You hurt Touji and you tried to kill me!
Gendo: You deny. You say these things to distance yourself
from me and therefore distance yourself
from what you know you will become.
Shinji: . . . I am not like you . . . you’re so cold . . .
Gendo: . . . really?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision, the observation deck above unit 01 . . .
Gendo Ikari stands, cradling his arm. on the screens around him, is the face of his son--
each, however, is a different scene; each one from a different point in Shinji's life; Shinji's of different ages . . .
Before him, stands the figure of Yui Ikari. . . )
Gendo: After all this time . . . After so much pain, I have waited, in hopes of seeing you again, Yui.
Yui: At what cost?
Gendo: I have hurt Shinji. I have kept myself away, so that
I may not hurt him further.
My being near only brings him pain.
Yui: Is this for his own good?
Gendo: Yes.
(The woman places her hand on his cheek, looking into his eyes)
Yui: . . Or . .or your own, Gendo?
Gendo: I think, perhaps . . .
Yui: (interrupting) You ran away. In the hopes of avoiding your problem.
Gendo: . . .
(On the catwalk far below, Shinji watches, his mouth agape with surprise . . .)
Shinji: (to himself, quietly) I . . . I didn’t know . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: What are you waiting for?
Shinji: . . .
Asuka: Don’t you want to have sex with me?
Shinji: . . .
Asuka: You look at me like you do. Why can’t you be a man, Ikari?
Misato: It is not something children do.
Shinji: . . .
Rei: Or, is It I you desire?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: Isn’t this what you want?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: Isn’t this what you need?
Misato: He is still a child.
Asuka: Are you a coward? Or are you cold?
Shinji: . . It . . . It isn’t love . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(CAPTION)
As
The thoughts turn,
Pain
And sadness
Give way to doubt,
For the boy
Cannot heal
The wounds
Of the heart
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision . . . Shinji, lying on the floor,
at night. A few feet away, Ryouji Kaji, in his own futon, also lies
. . . )
Kaji: What DO you want, Shinji? Love?
Shinji: . . .I want . . to be . . .loved.
Kaji: You want the lie to be the truth?
Shinji: Yes.
Kaji: But a lie can never be the truth. Even if you tell
yourself over and over. Even if you twist the lie so
that you BELIEVE
it is the truth, it is still the lie.
Shinji: But . . . But the truth is only what you make it!!
Nothing is real, except what I see and
experience! Can't
I shape my own truth?
Kaji: Yes.
Shinji: Then . . . why don't I?
Kaji: Can you really allow yourself to exist that way?
Shinji: . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision . . . Asuka and Shinji, standing
alone, on the Geo-Front shoreline. A bright red sea lies beyond .
. )
(The girl faces him--eyes belying a degree of seriousness seldom seen in so young a face . . .)
Asuka: Do you hate me?
Shinji: no.
Asuka: Do you love me?
Shinji: . . .
Asuka: Do you love me?
Shinji: . . .
Asuka: Do you love me?
Shinji: . . .
Asuka: Shinji. Do you love me?
Shinji: . . . yes.
Asuka: Why do you love me?
Shinji: Because . . . you are Asuka Langley Soryu.
Asuka: How can I be in your heart? Even though I am a stranger?
Even though I act as though I hate you?
Shinji: I believe I can.
(Pushing the girl against the wall, Shinji kisses
her on the mouth, passionately yet somewhat
clumsily . . . Soryu offers no resistance, then pushes him away slowly,
gasping . . .)
Asuka: You’re an idiot. You should know by now that Love is pain, Shinji!
Shinji: I know. I like pain.
Asuka: Are you stupid?
Shinji: I say it is foolish to like pain. But, even ecstasy
makes my heart hurt. A different pain
than that
which comes with the blood. A pain of knowing there is a time that
I am
without
her. A pain of knowing the possibility exists . . . a . .
a pain of knowing
I can
be rejected.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Another vision . . . a hospital bed, sitting
on the catwalk before the great, silent visage of unit 01.
Rei Ayanami lies there, bandaged and shaking.
Shinji, in school uniform, stands above her,
looking down apprehensively . . .)
Rei: (whispering) Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: (whispering) Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: (whispering) Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: (whispering) Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: (whispering) Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . .
Rei: (whispering) Ikari, Why do you stare at me . . .?
Shinji: . . . You . . . you are Rei Ayanami. . .
Rei: Do you hate me?
Shinji: No.
Rei: Do you love me?
Shinji: Yes.
Rei: Why do you love me?
Shinji: Because . . .
Rei: . . .?
Shinji: Because you are like mother.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Asuka: Mother died, because she went crazy.
Lyn: Mother died, because she was sick.
Shinji: Mother died, because she wanted to make me happy.
Rei: . . .Mother died, because she and I were the same.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(CAPTION)
As her life
Is extinguished
And her heart
Dies wetly
He does not cry out
in pain;
or terror;
or sadness;
or anger;
or fear;
For he knows
Nothing
Of love
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Vision . . . standing before the flooded ruins
of Tokyo 3 . . .
Nagisa at his side, looking into the sunset beyond
. . .)
Kowaru: Do you regret?
Shinji: . . .Yes.
Kowaru: What do you regret, Shinji? That I am dead? or that you killed?
Shinji: (hesitant) Both, I think.
Kowaru: Do you, then, regret ever knowing me?
Shinji: Not . . not really.
Kowaru: Why?
Shinji: I carry you with me, in my heart. As . . as a part of me, now.
Kowaru: Is that love? Or is it guilt?
Shinji: It is both. Pleasure and pain are always mixed.
Kowaru: But can one experience pleasure, while avoiding
pain? if that is so,
is the pain then relegated to someone else? In my death, you found
pleasure.
Didn't you?
Shinji: . . .
Kowaru: The truth hurts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision . . . the apartment . . .
Rei sits, comfortably, on the couch,
Tenkei lies next to her, half asleep, his head on her lap . . .)
Tenkei: (woozy) . . . why am I here?
Rei: To complete the incomplete. To give shape to hope.
Tenkei: Hope needs shape?
Rei: for some, yes.
Tenkei: Who?
(The girl grins, stroking the boy’s hair as she answers . . .)
Rei: For those who have forgotten what hope was.
Tenkei: Do I have a mother?
Rei: Yes.
Tenkei: who is my mother?
Rei: The source of all pain.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A vision, Yet also a moment of clarity .
. . Shinji, schoolbag in hand, standing before a winged
apparition, on the platform in the train station . . .)
Shinji: What is this place?
Malachi: You . . . The first, and the last. You have been given.
Shinji: . . ?
Malachi: In the final moment, I . . . I risked a choice. . .
Shinji: . . .?
Malachi: I returned Adam to myself, and henceforth, to us.
Shinji: . . .
Malachi: Using the event, I turned to EVA.
Shinji: Unit 01.
Malachi: By destroying Lilith, I gave the soul another course.
Shinji: . . .?
Malachi: I have not violated the force of Heaven's will. . . I merely diverted it.
Shinji: Diverted?
Malachi: Completing Unit 01. Giving the will power.
Shinji: . . . the will . . .
Malachi: Power which it, in turn, has given you.
Shinji: What have I been given?
Malachi: Choice.
Gendo: Do not run away, Shinji.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Misato: The answer lies just beyond your reach, Shinji!!
Shinji: How ?! How do I find it!
Misato: Don't Stop looking! Above all, Keep moving forward!
With each step must come another,
then you will find the meaning behind the truth you want so much!
Shinji: Is it really what I want!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A final vision . . . The child Shinji, standing
alone, crying, as his father walks away . . .)
Shinji: Don’t hate! Don’t be!!
Gendo: Destroy our enemy.
Misato: Take revenge!!
Shinji: I need love to survive!! I can’t be alone!! I can’t hate myself!!!
Shinji: I can't be Alone!!!!
Shinji: I can't hate myself!!
Shinji: I can't exist without you!!
Shinji: I can't be Alone!!!!
Shinji: I can't hate myself!!
Shinji: I can't exist without you!!
Shinji: I DON'T WANT TO EXIST WITHOUT YOU!!
Gendo: . . . Live.
Misato: Fight, Shinji!!!
Shinji: (screaming) WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!!?!?!
(Then, in the last moment . . . arms come from
the darkness behind, embracing the boy tightly,
lifting him, wiping away his tears . . .
. . .surprised, the child turns his head, looking at the smiling face behind him. . .
It is Yui.)
Yui: You are worthy of love, Shinji . . .
(The child buries his head in his mother’s
shoulder, sobbing loudly as he wraps his arms
about her neck . . .)
Yui: I love you, Shinji.
Shinji: (crying) . . . !!!
Yui: You are worthy, Shinji . . .
Shinji: I miss you . . .
Yui: You deserve to exist, Shinji . . .
Shinji: Mother . . . mother . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Misato: How do you feel now, Shinji?
Shinji: serene.
Misato: I am happy for you . . . although . . .
Shinji: . . . ?
Misato: I see now, I could never be a mother for you, Shinji.
I could never be anything more than what I was.
Whatever you saw me as, the day we met.
Shinji: A beautiful woman?
Misato: To you, many things.
Shinji: An object?
Misato: how do you see me, Shinji?
Shinji: A protector?
Shinji: A bringer of pain?
Shinji: Kindness?
Shinji: Teacher?
Shinji: Misato Katsuragi . . . A good person.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A warm place. . . a warm touch.
For an unknown time, the boy remains in the light,
in the warmth of the embrace.)
Shinji: . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Yui: Is this enough?
. . .
. . .
. . .
Shinji: Yes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Another place . . . the office of Dr. Ritsuko
Akagi)
Ritsuko: I have caused you pain, Shinji.
Shinji: Yes . . .
Ritsuko: I did so because I could never be a mother. Because My mother was never a mother.
Shinji: never?
Ritsuko: . . . Even when I tried, the hope was false, and the child
not mine.
I simply cannot attempt such a role.
Shinji: What about . . . protector? keeping us safe when we fight . . .
Ritsuko: I am not that person . . .
Shinji: You . . . But you are.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Another time . . . still, in the embrace)
Yui: Shinji . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Shinji: Yes?
Yui: You will know.
. . .
. . .
. . .
Shinji: . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Yui: But not now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Vision . . .Shinji, alone, standing inside a dimly lit high-speed
train . . .
in his hands, he holdes a crumpled piece of paper. . .
a letter, which conspicuously reads, "Come At Once".)
Shinji: . . .
(Staring down at his father's words, Ikari is silent
. . .uttering not a sound as
the distant ring of the train bell echoes dissonantly outside the window
. . .)
Shinji: . . .
Shinji: . . .
Shinji: . . .
(As he gazes ever longer at the darkly scrawled letters, he seems to show not a single emotion . . .)
Shinji: . . .
Shinji: . . .
(. . .save for a silent tear running down his cheek, falling from his chin.)
Shinji: . . .
Shinji: . . .
Shinji: . . .Don't run away.
(Suddenly--
the boy's face contorts into one of blind rage,
as the letter is viloently ripped to pieces!)
Shinji: (screaming) NO!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(CAPTION)
What paths to take?
What roads to avoid?
What journeys to make?
The line is skewed,
but the course is clear.
The right trail has yet to be traced,
but it is as obvious as any other . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(At last . . . the apex of intention . . . a final vision.
standing beneath a sunlit tree on a spring morning, hand in hand with his mother.)
Shinji: . . . mother . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Yui: Yes. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Shinji: Where, from here?
. . .
. . .
. . .
Yui: You must choose, Shinji.
Shinji: . . . choose?
Yui: For yourself. And for others.
Shinji: Why?
Yui: Because, they are all as one.
Beings, alone with themselves,
Beings, together, as one.
Shinji: . . .
Yui: You must confront yourself. Confront the lie. You cannot
be a stranger to yourself, lest you cease to
exist. You will
always have the chance for happiness. It lies with sadness, the antithesis
that
defines it.
Only in accepting this truth, can you then value what it means.
Shinji: How? How can I do this?
Yui: Reflection. This is what separates Man from animals. He can see his flaws, and desire change.
Shinji: Reflection?
Yui: To see the self that is perceived, and the self that perceives
itself. This is the meaning. From the
very beginning. The
truth, behind the truth.
Shinji: R . . Reflection . . .
Yui: Yes. That which facilitates change.
Shinji: What do I choose? How will I know what is right??
Yui: Only by living. Only if you choose to live.
Only then, will you have
the chance.
Shinji: . . .
Yui: Know this,
Know that there is
mortality in every moment.
The living infinity
of possibilities seizes and dies and stirs no more,
And we are left with
what we have become.
But Despair of this
knowledge can do us no good,
and there is yet cause
to hope.
There may still be
time enough for dreams and love,
if the apparitions
of the past can be dispelled.
For there is no betrayal
more cruel than that of the one that enslaves himself to the morbid past,
and
loses the best of
what he might have gained to the savoring of sorrow.
Be not afraid, and
with glad arms embrace life, Shinji; its myriad pleasures and discontents.
For, There can be
nothing of happiness but that we hazard despair.
Shinji: . . . I . . . I understand.
Yui: Yes.
(Shutting his eyes, the child touches the woman's cheek . . as she touches his . . .)
Shinji: I understand! If I live, then . . . then I have a real chance!!!
Yui: Yes!
Shinji: I do . . I deserve to live, because I want to!!
Yui: And so, you must start living.
Shinji: Yes . . .I see. I choose.
(Finally, the woman smiles, bending over, kissing the child's forehead. . .)
Yui: Goodbye, Shinji. . .
Shinji: Goodbye . . .
Yui: (smiling)
Shinji: goodbye, mama . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
"WAKE UP!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
To Be Concluded . . .
