Moto Shinsengumi sanbantai kumichou Saitou Hajime is the beloved author of two best-selling self-help books, Gatotsu Your Way Through Life! and Kake Soba for the Soul. He is currently hard at work on his third book, What Does Aku Mean to You? From the Bakumatsu to the present day, Mr. Saitou's unshakable philosophy has helped thousands of people take positive control of their lives. Need guidance? Looking for advice on any kind of problem? Send your questions to Ask Hajime!

(Due to his busy schedule of police duties and tours as an inspirational speaker, Mr. Saitou can't guarantee a response to all questions, but he would like to assure his readers that he reads each individual message carefully and slices up the unanswered ones with his nihontou.)

Dear Hajime,

My favorite opponent from the Bakumatsu just turned korosazu!! I really wanted to fight him one more time--what should I do?

-Frustrated in Kyoto

Dear Frustrated,

Hn. It seems this 'korosazu' fad is becoming quite popular. Nevertheless, it is merely that: a fad, and as such it will not endure. Simply locate the fellow's weak point--if he has none at present, wait for him to develop one--and apply pressure as necessary. Experience has proven to me that even the most determined advocate of non-killing can be brought around with a little forceful persuasion. It may require patience on your part, but the satisfaction of hearing "Mou korosu wa ore no ho da" will more than compensate for the wait. Let me know who wins.

-Hajime

---

Dear Saitou-san,

I recently gave up my sword and became a wanderer. A guy I fought with convinced me that the philosophy on which I'd based my whole life was faulty, so I set out to discover the truth. Lately, though, I'm just feeling confused, not to mention hungry. I'm not sure what to do next. Can you help?

-Recent Rurouni

Dear Rurouni,

First of all, it's just as important to take care of your body as it is your mind. If you're not getting enough to eat, searching for the truth is pointless. I recommend sitting down with a nice big bowl of soba, and then taking a look at your life. Second, giving up your sword was a stupid idea. Rather than going cold turkey like that, you might want to consider investing in a reverse blade. Sakabatou are for sissies, but if you carry one, people will at least think you're still a real kenkaku. Also, if you're determined to live like that--and I wouldn't recommend it--one good option is to find a cute, trusting young girl who owns property, and volunteer to do all her laundry in exchange for room and board. Get used to soap suds, kid.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime,

I've practically memorized your first book, Gatotsu Your Way Through Life!, but there's one point I'm not quite clear on. Isn't it easier, in some circumstances, just to open a door using the handle, rather than destroying the whole thing?

-Enthused but Confused

Dear Confused,

Yare yare. You only gatotsu though the door if it's LOCKED, or if you want to really surprise someone on the other side. *puff* Try reading more carefully next time. Ahou ga.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime,

A certain swordsman has been living with me for quite a while now, and I'm totally crazy about him. I think he feels the same way about me, but he hardly ever shows it. How can I get him to express his true emotions?

-Kenjutsu Komachi

Dear Komachi,

First, you need to understand that you are probably this guy's number one weak point. Stop and think for a minute: Does he have enemies? Have any of them ever tried to abduct you? If so, the distance your love interest is trying to maintain between the two of you is for your own safety. It's not in your best interests to get involved with a guy who has problems like that, but if you're too smitten to resist, my advice would be to jump him. He's probably pretty hard up, and the prospect of actually getting some will be enough to overcome his better judgement. Good luck, and be sure to name the baby after me.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime-sama,

You're SOOOOOO KAKKOII!!! Of course, I think you're really sexy even with your clothes on, but how come you never get shirtless like the other male characters in RK???

-Anata no Miko desu! ^o^ *hearts*

Dear Miko,

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ahou ga.

-Hajime

---

Saitou,

No matter what I do to express my devotion, my beloved continues to shun me. I don't understand. How can I convince her of the purity of my emotions?

-Anonymous Onmitsu

Shinomori,

Give it up. She's not interested.

-Hajime

---

Temee,

I can't believe you have an advice column. Who the hell would want to take advice from a bastard like you?

-Aku Ichimonji

Dear Ahou,

What a thing to say. This is one who has passed first through Ikeda Ya and then Boshin and Seinan and many of places of death... the only man in the Shinsengumi who was said to be immortal. Of course I have an advice column. *smirk* In fact, it would do you good to pay it some attention. I'd send you copies of my books, but you're probably illiterate, so I guess I won't bother. Maybe I'll send them to the kitsune-onna, instead, and you can ask her to read to you.

-Hajime

p.s. Have you done anything with your defense lately?

---

Dear Hajime,

My friend is obsessed with you to the point of insanity. For her birthday, I want to give her something she'll treasure forever. Instead of just flicking them on the ground, could you possibly send me a few of your cigarette butts? Thanks.

- Okashira-chan

Dear Okashira,

Your friend wouldn't happen to go by the name of Miko, would she? If so, I'm afraid I've already sent her some of my cigarette butts, at her request. Sorry.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime,

Well, can't you spare a pair of those white gloves, then?

- Okashira-chan

Dear Okashira,

Don't push your luck.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime,

Please? She really likes it when you pull them off with your teeth.

- Okashira-chan

Dear Kisama,

You are rapidly approaching classification as 'aku.' Stop now unless you want to die swiftly.

-Hajime

---

Dear Hajime,

But--GAAAACK! *gurgle*

- Okashira-chan

Dear Kisama,

You were warned. Excuse me for a moment while I go wipe my sword.

-Hajime

---

Dear Mr. Freaky Psycho Cop,

I hate to ask you for help with anything, but I guess it shows just how desperate I am. I've devoted my whole life to Aosh-- I mean, to a certain person, but he still refuses to acknowledge my feelings! Even worse, now he's started chasing after some other girl, and she doesn't appreciate him at all! I can't stand this much longer!! Please help!!!

-Unnoticed at the Aoiya ;_;

Dear Weasel Girl,

I won't attempt to account for Shinomori's recent behavior. The phase of the moon may have something to do with it. However, you might pause to examine yourself in comparison with your current rival, and consider whether she possesses certain traits which you lack--intellect, for instance--that Shinomori may find attractive. It's also possible that the lure of the unreachable is what intrigues him. Try being slightly less blatant about your adoration. If nothing else, I'm sure he'll appreciate the relief.

-Hajime

---

Dear Saitou,

This unworthy one just wanted to say thank you for your advice to Kaoru-dono. We both feel so much better now, it's unbelievable. We're getting married next month and then taking a cruise to the Bahamas. Life is good de gozaru yo!

- Happily Hentai at Kamiya Dojo

p.s. Were you the one who told her how to do that thing with her tongue?

Dear Battousai,

*puff* Shut up before I start getting jealous. Of her, that is.

-Hajime

p.s. No. But I do it better.

---

Dear Hajime,

I have a whole vat of delicious homemade soba waiting for you. Your laundry's all done, and it's been so long since we've been able to spend some time together. Will you ever come home from work?

-Tokio

Dear Snookums,

Sorry, but I still have a whole pile of these inane messages from helpless idiots to attend to. These people wouldn't know how to tell their heads from their asses if I didn't explain things to them. Don't wait dinner for me, pussycat. Miss you.

-Big Wolfy