Utena-kun> Himemiya walks in, dressed in her cleaning clothes, toting a
bucket of supplies.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun has fallen asleep on a couch here, stretched out
tiredly, open book over his face and letting out a soft snoreblurt. z.z

Utena-kun> Himemiya doesn't move to disturb Utena. She quietly straightens
up the bookshelves, tidies up the desk, and so on.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun can be heard murmuring something very softly under
the book. Sounds like... well, it sounds like ''miya'. But it could just
as likely be any number of other sleep-fraught mumbles.

Utena-kun> Himemiya...continues to clean. Ignoring that.

Utena-kun> In recent days, she's.. attended to the house. Cleaned. Sewn.
Cooked. Went on errands. Just the usual sort of thing. Never frowned
around Utena, or spoken ill.. but hasn't been a barrel of laughter and
joy, either. Just existing.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun rolls over, and the book goes THUMP on the floor, as
his hand sweeps along the edge of the couch cushion, an obvious carressing
gesture.. what's he dreaming about? The expression on his now visible face
is so sad.. lines of sadness and worry and longing.

Utena-kun> Himemiya does her best not to notice.. just going through the
paces of keeping the house clean and neat. A bit faster now. So she can
get out of here.

Utena-kun> *WHUMP.* That's the sound of Utena rolling off the couch and
landing nosefirst in the floor. ... Ow. Now he's awake. And with a very
sore nose. He grumbles and sits up, rubbing said nose. ".. dammit." Hasn't
noticed you yet.

Utena-kun> Himemiya slows down now.. not wanting to look like she's
rushing. "Good morning," she says, in a cheerful enough voice. ^_^

Utena-kun> Utena-kun groans. "... Uhm, g'morning, Himemiya." Her voice.
Her voice, haunting you from the WRONG BODY... which unfolds from the
floor to its taller height, and he stretches wearily, working kinks out of
his back. "... Sorry, am I in the way?" Uncomfortable, feeling the
distance there clearly still.

Utena-kun> Himemiya doesn't react to that voice.. tries not to. "No, I've
cleaned that spot already," she lies. Gathers up her things. "I'd better
move onto the bathroom. It's a bit of a mess."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs, but wants to ask anyway. ".. Can I help?" In a
small, sad tone.

Utena-kun> Himemiya flinches, internally. That voice.. "Yes, I suppose the
job would go faster with two." She moves swiftly to the bathroom.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun follows you silently, hands resting behind his back.
He's painfully aware, able to read your body like the book he fell asleep
under, knowing you no less for his own change.. though it seems as if you
don't want to know HIM any more... He still doesn't know what to do. He
just knows it hurts to not be with you.

Utena-kun> Himemiya sets her bucket down, on entering the bathroom, and
gets a sponge.. soaps it up. "I'll take the sink, if you scrub down the
tub."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun nods. "Okay." He ponders... well, honestly, even if
she's uncomfortable about it.. it WOULD be easier to clean the tub without
wearing his jacket. So he takes it off, and ignores the cold feeling of
the room, and reaches for sponge and scrubbrush.. leans onto the tub to
start working on it.

Utena-kun> Himemiya doesn't seem to notice or care about your loss of the
jacket.. although she is looking at the sink more than anything else,
concentrating on her duty.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun grimaces at a particularly stubborn spot. "Dammit,
just come OUT already.." he mutters. Scrubscrub.

Utena-kun> Himemiya twitches slightly. Not realizing you're scrubbing..
did you just yell at her? She works faster, but quieter.. meek.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs as the stubborn spot continues.. grumbling into
the tub, the familiar voice resonant. "You can't stay there forever, you
know... dammit... just give up.." Scrubs HARDER. You might be able to hear
the bristles against the tub now.

Utena-kun> Himemiya stops her work.. looking at her own face in the
reflection of the sink's bowl. Distorted and pale from the polished
ivory.. not liking what she sees. Not acting against it, but starting to
feel worse and worse..

Utena-kun> Utena-kun grrs quietly. The thing just won't GIVE! What MADE
this thing... -.- He grumbles and shifts position, coming at it from
another angle, scrubscrub. "Dammit. So stubborn..."

Utena-kun> Himemiya feels almost like she was slapped, with those words.
Her sponge falls into the sink, leaving a soapy smear over her
reflection.. she silently flees from the room, through the open door.

Utena-kun> Himemiya has left.

Akio> Himemiya runs out from the kitchen.. intent on being somewhere. She
enters her enclosed garden, and finally comes to a halt.. standing in its
centre.

Akio> Akio blinks. He'd been puttering around in the back garden, planting
some carrots. He brushes some dirt from his hands, just finished a row
when you came barrelling out, and he turns toward you in alarm. You
WERE... ARE his sister, even if you don't like him, and his eyes become
worried. He strides swiftly to the greenhouse, stepping after you and
asking, ".. What is it?"

Akio> Himemiya sinks to one of the stone benches in the garden, catching
her breath.. and alarmed at someone's approach. "..it's nothing. I'm
fine."

Akio> Akio calmly replies, "You're lying."

Akio> Himemiya flinches. "...." She looks away, immediately.. to one of
her roses.

Akio> Akio moves to stand near you, but doesn't sit.. still intimidating,
even if he is a kinder, gentler self now. His shadow falls over you. "..
It's about Utena, isn't it."

Akio> Himemiya shifts on her bench.. away from that encompassing shadow.
Folding in on herself. "...I don't want to talk about it."

Akio> Akio says, "That's a lie too." He frowns. "Don't be as stubborn as
Utena... lord knows, the two of you are terrible about it. You still
haven't gotten used to her changing, have you."

Akio> Himemiya trembles. Akio still frightens her, when he shows shadows
of his former self.. any sort of upset assertiveness. "...I don't.. I
don't want to.."

Akio> Akio sighs... moving away, pulling his shadow from you. Reaching out
and gazing at the intertwined central column of the red and white roses
here. "It's said.." he says conversationally, "That love knows no
boundaries. I think Utena would be.. .and probably -is-... sad to think
that this love has a boundary."

Akio> Himemiya winces. Words to support her own internal belief... that
it's all her fault. Anshi is to blame for being weak. She sulks.. a fresh
wave she was trying to suppress all morning through cleaning rearing its
ugly head.

Akio> Akio toys with a rose. "Perhaps it was foolish of Utena to think
that she could make everything right by breaking herself in half. But she
did it for love of you. And that Utena in that house loves you deeper than
she loved you as a woman. But you don't let yourself see that. How deeply
he yearns for you and how miserable he is to be away from you."

Akio> Himemiya speaks softly. "...I know he's miserable."

Akio> Akio turns and looks at you. "Attempting to force him back into a
woman's body won't help either of you."

Akio> Himemiya says, "I don't want to force him."

Akio> Akio says, "What you want is irrelevant.. it's your actions that are
speaking, independently of your wants. You are pushing him away. And while
it was foolish of him to believe that becoming male would automatically
make things better... I think you need to understand that he can't love
you as wholly as a woman than he casn as a man. It's really that simple."

Akio> Himemiya remains silent. Shamed, embarassed.. confused. Not knowing
how to act.

Akio> Akio presses this, gently. "Embrace what he's become. That man
inside loves you three times more deeply than the woman ever could. The
woman Utena was torn apart by her feelings, that she kept carefully hidden
from you. She felt guilt and uncertainty about loving you as a woman. She
knew it would lead to disapproval.. she felt it to be impossible to have a
complete love with you, or a true marriage."

Akio> Akio says, "And she loved a man, as well. She loved you devotedly,
but dividedly. There IS no division or doubt in him. He's devoted his
whole heart and being to you."

Akio> Himemiya stays still. "...I suppose I really have no choice."

Akio> Akio groans. "For GOD'S SAKE, Anshi!" Finally losing a little
patience. "Honestly, if you keep acting like that, like this passive and
pathetic little victim, even HE will stop caring. Where did the self that
ended the entire duel cycle go? Where is the Himemiya that was? This is
really childish behavior."

Akio> Akio says, "Utena was raped too. You don't have a corner on all the
suffering of the world. And you can't even claim to be.. you're no longer
the Rose Bride. So STOP it. GROW UP."

Akio> Himemiya is on her feet, and has slapped you just as the last word
comes out of your mouth.

Akio> Akio recoils, but smiles faintly. "You know it's true." It's not the
wicked smile, but a bitterly wry one.

Akio> Himemiya is frowning now. She wordlessly storms out of the
greenhouse.. turning a sharp left, and heading around the house, to the
Oak Grove.

Akio> Akio moves over... somehow, he's just THERE.. and grabs your arm.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

Akio> Himemiya freezes in her tracks, when you move; and tries to pull her
arm away. "Let GO. I'm going for a walk."

Akio> Akio scowls. "To run away from your problems." He starts dragging
you back toward the house. "Now you really have proven yourself to be
childish."

Akio> Himemiya squeals, and pulls at her arm.. "Let GO of me! LET GO!"
Kicking at you. Angry, now. "Leave me alone!!"

Akio> Akio slaps you. Calmly. Not even with full force, just a light blow
across your left cheek, with the back of his hand. "I think leaving you
alone is the last thing I intend to do. You can NOT run awy from Utena, or
from yourself, or from your problems or this sanctuary. Unless you want to
kill Utena. And I mean it when I say that you ARE killing him."

Utena says, "The ONLY REASON he exists now is of love of you. And if that
love fades.. HE will fade. Then you WILL be alone. There will be nothing
left of Utena. AT ALL."

Akio> Himemiya goes completely silent, when slapped.. almost limp.
Knocking all the rage out of her in a single blow.

Akio> Akio says, "The ONLY REASON he exists now is of love of you. And if
that love fades.. HE will fade. Then you WILL be alone. There will be
nothing left of Utena. AT ALL."

Akio> Himemiya talks softly.. not looking up. But her meaning is firm
enogh. "..I know that. And I can't stand it."

Akio> Akio lets go of your arm. "So decide." He even steps back. This is
not his choice... and the burden has to sit on YOUR shoulders.

Akio> Himemiya takes a deep breath.. and considers. She knows what she has
to do; it's what Utena would do. What she WOULD have done. She pushes Akio
aside, and marches into the house.

Akio> Himemiya enters the manorhouse.

Akio> Himemiya has left.

Utena-kun> Himemiya doesn't storm into the room. But she doesn't slip in
quietly, either.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun is sitting in the bathroom after you left. Slumped
against the tub. And crying softly into his hands in despair. He looks up,
blue eyes suffused with red streaks, when he hears you entering.. shamed
of his tears, he tries to quickly brush them away; he doesn't want you to
see him like this.

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "Utena."

Utena-kun> Himemiya remains fairly firm.. not weakened by your display of
feelings. But does soften enough to be sympathetic.. to and extent. She's
trying very hard to ride that middleground between coldness and utter
compassion.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun looks up. Like a condemned prisoner awaiting
execution, the blow of the axe against his neck. It's that kind of
feeling.

Utena-kun> Himemiya looks around.. ah. She fetches a hand mirror from the
counter, and concentrates.. she knows what she wants it to find. Then, she
turns it to Utena.. to reflect the flame of life that they have had
experience in seeing. To show her.

Utena-kun> If you're looking at this Utena's flame... It's smaller than it
was. Still bright, and unflickering... but somehow small, too small, less
than it should be.

Utena-kun> But there's also the faintest, faintest hint of another flame
there... almost an afterthought, a mirage... and that is a HUGE flame.
Huge and vast and happy and flashing and shining with golden light...

Utena-kun> Himemiya speaks. "Utena, do you remember when my flame was low,
and small, because the only thing I really was living for was you?"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun nods slowly, looking away.

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "You didn't let me stay that way. I couldn't
live if the only purpose for my existence was you. And you can't live that
way, either." She pauses. "I'm not uncomfortable with you because you're a
man. I'm uncomfortable because you split yourself, because now, ALL you
are seems to be love for me embodied. That's frightening. Very."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun looks toward you now with miserable eyes. "WHY? Why
is it frightening? What is WRONG with that?"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "I love you. I want to make you happy. I want
to be what I COULDN'T have been before...! You don't understand."

Utena-kun> Himemiya remains calm. "Because.. because Utena is more than
that. She's laughter, and friends. Crazy adventures and fun.
Companionship. There is more to her than just a burning flame of love.
You've distanced yourself, slept on the couch, tried to suppress it.. but
that's all you've done. Everything you seem to be doing is centered around
that love, whether it's expressing it or repressing it. Intensity beyond
what I can handle, either way." She looks up. "Make me happy. Be my
friend, not just my soulmate. Be Utena."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun cries out, "I can't!"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "I can't be the whole Utena.. the whole Utena
loves TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "The whole Utena can't be just yours alone."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "The whole Utena attracts danger, and chaos...
and she's DIFFERENT now. Different than the Utena that you knew. She's
given herself to Xelloss, who makes her happy. But she didn't want to make
YOU unhappy."

Utena-kun> Himemiya shakes her head. "But I don't want a Utena that's mine
alone. I want Utena who has friends, who has other things in her life. You
don't have to go back the way you were. But please.." Almost pleading,
now. "Please don't think only of me."

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "Don't make the mistake I did."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs, his eyes closing painfully. "This isn't going
to work, is it..." A bitter tone. "... I can't continue to be this way."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun turns his eyes back to you. "But Himemiya... she's
engaged now. To Xelloss. She plans to marry him. She lives with him. If I
go.. what's going to be left for you? I.. WE couldn't bear that.'"

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "So don't be this way. Be different." She looks
at you.. and implores honesty. "If I had to go for even a few days, what
would you do without me?"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "It would be all right if I thought that you
cared and thought of me! That you would miss me. I can be fine by myself.
But the more you kick me away, the more I want to come back to you."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun's mouth tightens.

Utena-kun> Himemiya asks, "I don't want you to be dependent on me like I
was on you. Listen.. I don't care that you're male. You don't have to fuse
with the other Utena again. Just, please.. find a reason to exist other
than to love me. Don't make it your ONLY reason. One of the reasons, yes,
but.. not the only. Then I will be comfortable. Is that fair?"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sucks in his breath, and brushes his fingers through
the short hair at the back of his neck. "... I guess that's fair." he
replies.

Utena-kun> Himemiya doesn't frown, but almost does. "There is no guess.
You have to agree or not. Don't just be passive, like I was. Do you know
why the other Utena's flame is larger? I think I know. It's not just
because Xelloss accepted her. She's ALIVE. She's active, she's doing
things, she feels risk, and she is alive. ...all I've done is stay in the
house, and you've done similar, save for the occasional guest. We have no
lives outside of each other right now. I want to be more than just
lovers."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs, and reaches to pull you down to sit next to
him. "... I know we don't. But I wanted... I wanted us to be happy. We've
suffered so much. If we could have normal lives, we'd be better off. Just
a normal, happy couple with no worries other than taking care of our home,
and maybe..." He pauses a moment. ".. maybe having children to take care
of... that normal life.. we need that, Himemiya. Both of us. We've
suffered a lot. The part of me that really enjoys that kind of life is
with her... where it's always been happiest. I don't want you to be hurt
any more. *I* don't want to be hurt any more. Why is it so bad to want to
live like normal people who aren't gods or adventurers?"

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs. "Himemiya.. it's so fragile. I don't know if
you realize it."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "If anything happens to her.. I'll die too."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "If anything happens to me.. she'll die."

Utena-kun> Himemiya sits next to you.. "We don't have to be hurt. Or to
adventure. But.. I want to be more than married, and I want you to be
too." she sighs. "I'm not expressing myself very well. It's just.. this is
too intense. I feel like a prisoner. Even with you suppressing it and
giving me room it just looms overhead and it's hurting both of us. It
feels like.. like our lives are only there for one reason--" She blinks.
"..."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun looks away. "We almost died. I don't entirely really
know what happened. But not more than a couple of nights ago... suddenly I
was standing behind death.. looking down at her. She was dead."

Utena-kun> Utena-kun says, "I don't know what Death did to save her.. us.
She said I could go, that I wasn't going to die. But... it could happen
again. At any time. Because that me likes danger... it could happen
again."

Utena-kun> Himemiya sighs. -.- No, this does not cheer her up. "...I see."
Not sure how to react beyond that.

Utena-kun> Utena-kun sighs. "In a way, all of this is really unfair, all
the way around. Maybe.. I should try and become free of her."

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "I.. think that would be a good idea."

Utena-kun> Himemiya looks at you, seriously.

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "Right now.. you have to live in the shadow of
this. You have to be a divided person with one goal in life."

Utena-kun> Himemiya says, "You need an existence that's your own to
define."