Utena is outside in the front yard, exercising with a series of light stretches.. she FINALLY feels well enough to move again, and is trying to gently limber her body back up after so much forced downtime.. a few days, at least... more than she's used to, these days.. Repairs to Ops are going along okay. More dreaming tricks are being used, since Anything-chan suggested them after the wheelbarrow.. making construction a bit more crazy and accident prone, but it's being done faster, at least. Not-Ops, the not-sanctuary, remains as ever. Things are quiet, for a change. Did Order give up? Utena doubts that, tremendously, but tries to put it out of her mind as she draws in her breath, focusing and concentrating, using techniques she picked up from Akio during their conjoined time as the double Prince and Beast.... pushing her hands before her, relaxing and letting herself come into attunement with her body, no longer having to hide from its pain. Xelloss pops up right in front of you with a big round yellow happy face mask. "BOO!" Utena eeks! and hops back o.O wheezing. "Xel! o.O" She lets out a hard breath and -glares-.. "Don't DO that while I'm trying to focus..!" And then shakes her head and grins at you. "Anyway, you're finally back... dammit, where the HELL have you been??" Xelloss oro? "I figured you looked pretty bored, actually." He puts the mask away. "Ah.. that is a secret." Utena crosses her arms over her chest. "...." Utena says, "That's NOT funny." Xelloss says, "No, really, it is. He'd be really angry if I told anybody about him." Utena says, ".. Him?" Xelloss nods. "Him." Utena sighs. "Okay, you're not going to tell me..." She shrugs. "Anyway, I assume it was important if you had to leave me alone for four days.." She looks unhappy, but shakes that off too and simply gives you a saddened look. "I missed you." Xelloss u.u sheepishly and poiks his fingers together. "Gomen.. I wasn't sure I'd get another chance to make the trip. But it was worth it, ne. I found out something important." He looks up. "Order wants you, specifically. And the Lord of Nightmares non-specifically, but since your arrival, it's been you." Utena sighs. "I know. I knew it was me he was after.. but WHY, Xel. That's what matters.. I'm an obvious target.. but why did he appear after Dios disappeared... what does he want out of me? I'm valueless, I'm just a human being... wings of chaos or not. I'm not even a godling any more... not like I WAS anyway." She gazes at not-ops. "And if he really just wanted me.. why attack Ops? Things aren't adding up.. for something ordered, he's awfully.. chaotic in function. Obsessed." Xelloss says, "Oh, that was the easy part. I had figured some of it out, and so had you. The Lord was occupied in her mourning, and nearly defenseless; it was the best time to strike. Order is an enemy of Chaos, after all. He first went through Ops to try and get her, figuring you'd be a minor inconvenience that Nightmare could handle... but you stopped him. So he had to rethink things.. and refocus." He shakes his head. "Isn't pure obsessesion, relentless in nature, very predictable?" Utena mms. "True. Very true." Xelloss says, "So, that's the deal. You're an extension of her.. and you're human. That's why he needs you out of the way first." Utena sighs. "So, I'm the bait again. How do we USE that to our advantage?" Xelloss hrms. "Well... a human has enough natural chaos, plus having the blessing you have, to stop Order. But the question is, stop him or STOP him?" Utena asks, "And why is he only attacking in dreams..?" Utena hms. "I'm thinking we're back in a Gaav situation, Xel. We can't defeat something like this.. only beat him back and make him go away for a while. Hopefully a LONG while." Utena says, "We can't -destroy- things like this." Xelloss says, "I didn't think we could. Order is.. a natural force, like Chaos. But yes, we should be able to kick his ass hard enough to put him at bay for a long time, I'd hazard." Utena nods. "The question is how. He's obsessed with me.. we can use that, somehow. But the end that we want to use that too..." She shakes her head. "We need to know more.. or *I* do anyway.. is this thing and the Lord in conflict just because that's what they ARE, what they DO... or is there some other cause? Something we can tear out and stop?" Xelloss hrms. "I'm afraid that I don't know, even with my source. But she might know." Utena nods, sighing. "I'll go to her. I have the right to ask." She looks to you, her hand reaching out and touching your arm. "Do you want to stay here..?" Xelloss considers that. "I'm thinking that I actually should. Even if I went, she'd keep it for your ears only. ..I'm not really her representative anymore. You are." Utena nods. "Do me a favor... while I do this.. will you look in on the wingless? I have a bad feeling they're going to be sucked into this. Don't go to them, don't round them up or anything.. I just want to know what they're doing.. how they're doing. And she did ask me to take care of her children." She leans up and kisses your cheek. "I don't think this will take TOO long." Xelloss nods. "I think I can handle that." He smiles, and kisses your cheek as well. "I'll wait here." Utena turns to go, nodding. She moves off swiftly, her wings starting to unfold from her back and appear as she walks through Ops to that door labeled 'employee's only'.. the one she can see with her chaotic eyes bearing the gold edge of giga's Gate.. The door is locked when you arrive.. but a second later, the lock clacks noisly open, in a flash of that gold. The same spell; it opens for you alone, at the moment. Inside.. it's as you left it. A golden lake of tears and silence. Utena moves through quietly and approaches the lake, wading in, calling out in a soft voice both mental and physically, "... Lord..?" The voice pauses, but this time, it does answer. *What is it?* Utena closes her eyes. *I came to ask about Order, Lord. Why is he doing as he's doing.. what does he WANT from us? I know we can't defeat him, but I came this close to dying a few days ago trying to fight him.. I need to know everything I can about him..* Again, a pause. Perhaps considering what she wants to tell you? *..we are enemies,* she tries to dismiss it as. Utena bites her lip some... *I'm sorry, but that's not enough. -Please- tell me what he wants. I can't fight him like this.. the next time, he may truly kill me... completely. Then you won't have a Knight any more.. you won't have anyone. I don't want you to be alone. I don't want to die. You asked for my help and I'm glad to give it, but I NEED to know what this is really about! The Lord actually seems unsettled by this line of questioning. *We are enemies. He is Order, I am Chaos. We run in opposite directions. What more needs said? He wishes to do harm to me.. to my world.* Utena's response is simple; you feel she accepts your words.. but also isn't satisfied. She asks simply, *Why?* A sigh. *...because he dared me that he could.* Utena frowns, gazing into the lake of golden sorrow. *..dared you?* She can't comphrehend, you can feel that, she can't envision why with her lack of knowledge. *A dare is... it's not the right word. It can't be expressed in your language. Consider the most grievous insult of the simplest nature, the thing which removes you from your place and attempts to put you in another, lesser place. He did a thing to my world which I could not undo, just because he could. A thing of the future which he dared me to prevent.* Utena's eyes are still closed.. she frowns, orbs scanning in the darkness... trying to imagine this. *And that thing hasn't happened yet..? But it will? This is him trying to do it now?* *This is him trying to prevent me from preventing it. I was able to prevent it once before through the most subtle of manuverings. He was not pleased at that. So, he has come himself with his coerced human agents to try and use their in-born chaos to unseat mine.* *But then.. he's using Chaos.. that....* She sighs, internally and aloud. *How can that be? How can he even tolerate using anything chaotic..? This blurs together, doesn't it, Lord? Like.. like twilight, like the Prince and the Beast... Lord, the things he's attacked me with AREN'T HUMAN. They were human once. But... Nightmare... the Thorn Bride.. those weren't human things." A shameful look. *Nightmare was human. He was one of the original humans. The original eight humans.* Utena blinks. *... the wingless?* *Yes. My children. Humanity are my children as well, from their relations. That is the creation myth of my origin.* Utena.. slumps back, sitting heavily in the sand.... *... * She doesn't have words, doesn't even know quite how to react to that. She just sits, blinking heavily. *I thought... God made humans... but it was you..?* She draws her thumb to her lips, biting at the skin of it. *... the eight wingless are related to humans..?* *God begat Adam and Eve, who begat humanity. They also evolved from apes millions of years ago. They were spawned by Okampa, the sun-god. And they are the children of my children, the wingless, who once were winged before being cast from the World of Dreams for Nightmare's sin. All these things and more are true and coexist without contradiction, once you realize yes and no are not mutually exclusive concepts.* *.. Paradox said it.* She smiles weakly, overwhelmed. *Now I know where he learned it from....* She manages a sort of nod. *Then, why isn't Order attacking the .... * and pauses. *Because this is the real world...?* *In my myth, this is the cradle of life, the origin of earth, the start of humanity. This world which they visit while sleeping, to glimpse what was lost, a land of limitless imagination and joy. To reach the earth, to.. do as Order wishes, he must first reach through here, and qlech the chaos that this world represents. It is a threat. I am a threat. You are a threat.* She smiles. *A butterfly once dreamed it was a man. And then it awoke. But it will never waken, if Order wins.* Utena has to admit it. *I don't understand that. But what I have to do is clear enough. Block him from taking over this world.. the world that we dream of, the real world of our birth. If we fall here we lose the game. I see that much, clearly.* *If I am silenced, we lose. If you are contained, we lose. If this world is tainted, we lose. If the Earth is ultimately... organized, as he finally desires, to destroy my dream, we lose.* Utena stands up slowly, shivering. *I won't let him. Balance yes. Balance has to be saved. But this will break the world's balance... part of which *I* made happen too. I won't let it go this way. I won't be contained. I won't let him win. I just...* She sighs, her 'voice' softening. *I'm scared. This is so huge. Bigger than Gaav, bigger than.. than anything I can imagine. It's so big I don't understand all of it...* *I know one thing which will either help you understand, or confuse you further. Do you wish to know it?* Utena lifts her head. *Yes. I want to know. Even if it confuses me now.. it might help me later.* The lord pauses, to phrase it. Your words are hard for her to assemble, sometimes. *Order had a hand in world revolution, until you stopped him. Until I helped guide you to prevent the organization.* Utena takes that in. She doesn't understand yet... but she nods and you can feel the words going deep into her, to be stored and preserved, like an object entering ice or amber. *... You ... Lord... I have to ask something. And maybe that'll help me understand too. Are you... were you the Rose Bride? Are you part of that trinity?* *...I had a hand in the matter as well. A hand that wished to stop the endless repetition, the unceasing cycle of construction and destruction that could eventually lead to world organization. I cannot describe it better than that.* Utena replies softly, *Third Impact. It connected everyone... and I thought I wanted it to be that way.. until I realized I couldn't have it.. that it wasn't my right...* She seems to have understood SOMETHING of what you've said, nodding to your words. *Lord... there's something else. I'm... I can't die now. Have I violated our pact..? I don't... humans are supposed to have limits... and now I don't have one. An IMPORTANT one. * *The limitation of pain and suffering... *Nothing can violate our pact. To be human is to experience the unexpected. You may find it to be a disadvantage, however. If you lose touch with the core of what it means to be human.. you will be lost.* Utena sighs. *That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to be distanced from people. That made me so unhappy as Dios I tried to destroy myself. But if I can't regulate myself with pain...* She looks away. * I'm afraid, just in the course of the BATTLE I could lose myself...* *A solution to your problems is yours to find. A god can only speak of so many secrets of the universe, as Xelloss's source realizes. More than that.. and their agents will never succeed, because they will lose their nature and become as gods.* She adds.. *Much as you almost did.* Utena nods, exhaling. *I understand. I wasn't.. so much looking for you to answer me. I just.. needed to tell someone. I don't think anyone else can understand. I'm in a twilight. I'm human. But I know more than humans should. And it's hard for me... I try to be good, I try to do things that are right.. I try just to follow my heart. But sometimes I feel really alone. Even though there are two of me, I'm still only one, and I... feel small sometimes.* *And that is what makes you human. Unsurity, and faith in your heart. To be mortal is to be small and singular. Unique. Invaluable.* The door opens. *I cannot speak more without unsettling the scales. Please go, and do as you wish.* Need help? Just type "help". *I understand. Balance. Thank you, Lord.* She turns to go... perplexed, unsettled.. but feeling all the more human because of it, and moves back through the doorway to Ops. Ops is busy, as usual, in reconstruction. But across the way, at Not-Ops, the spot where Xelloss said he'd wait is empty. ....mostly. Utena frowns... approaching. Maybe it's the residual magic on you, from passing through Giga's Gate. Or maybe you're just getting adept at seeing magical portals, but.. there's a portal here. Invisible, but you can SENSE the faint lines of a doorway. Who left it is another matter. Utena brushes her hand through it, and peers through this only-open-a-crack doorway. Not liking it... not at all... it makes her nervous. The air on the other side feels... warm. Balmy. But you can't see what's through there. Utena's wings flutter slightly, as they do when she gets nervous... she knows how to manuever... but it could be.. no. She's not going to double guess herself.. she wants to know where it leads.. so she goes through. It leads... To a tavern. Fairly quiet, as it's really late at night wherever you are. A few patrons, one or two asleep.. Xelloss, talking to a man in a booth. They haven't seen you yet. Utena tests reality, wanting to 'cloak' herself in unseeing. It's not a hard task. Invisibility wraps you. (Are you really becoming a god? That's not normal. That's not human.. is it? Humans use magic..) Yes, they do. And the most powerful magic known belongs to humans. Humans who use Giga spells are still human. This is only paradox at best, a gift of the wingless. She has the right. For now, she's going to convince herself it's all right... as she uses the chance to draw closer to try and overhear without overtly butting in. "...should I know where they are?" the man grumbles. He's not a healthy looking individual, in his early fourties, with balding hair and a nervous disposition. "Yes.. yes, I know where they are. I even know what they're doing. But please! You were just HERE asking me about Order! Can't a guy have a break?!" Xelloss shakes his head. "It's important, Marv. She ordered Utena to keep track of her children--" Marvin sighs. "I know." Utena draws back. Curiosity satisfied, she has no need to remain. She just wanted to make sure Xelloss was all right. She creeps back toward the dim lines of that doorway she can feel.. Marvin glares, directly at you. "And you TOLD me, Xelloss, that nobody could freaking find you. I KNOW someone's there. Don't move." Xelloss blinks. "Of course nobody can find us. I always use sixteen layers of stealth spells, Marvin. Nobody's there." Utena stops moving for a second... waiting. Holding her breath, too, for a few seconds.. then stepping back again... close to the edge now, and still completely unseeable, wrapped in her paradoxic layer. Marvin frowns. "It's Utena. Drop the stupid disguise, I know you're there. Didn't Xelloss blab it? I know it all." Xelloss ehs? Looking right.. through you. "Marvin, nobody is there. I..." bites his lip. "Utena? Are you there?" Utena sighs. Drops the paradox. "I was just trying to make sure everything was all right." She looks away. "I wasn't trying to spy." Xelloss gapes. o.o "...how did you--" Marvin raises a hand. "She's got Paradox's bender now, remember? She can see the impossible." He groans. Really, really frustrated. Utena waves her hand, will explain later... a nervous little smile on her face as she gazes at Marvin with a blush along her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'll go. I can forget I even saw anything." Marvin frowns. "You and I both know you can't forget anything. Even when Xelloss made you forget that night with him you remembered any. Sit your ass down." Xelloss is still too stunned to speak. Utena sighs and obeys, sitting down at the table. Marvin grabs his whiskey bottle, and downs another swig. "You people think you're all that, strutting around with gods and powers and saving the universe.." Then laughs. "No, you don't, do you? Sooo humble. And content in not knowing what you don't know. I don't know why I bother telling you anything, Xelloss, it's not going to change the truth." Xelloss ums. Too shaken to really react properly. "Ah. Utena, Marvin, Marvin, Utena." o.o Utena nods, slowly, and looks at Marvin. "Actually, I just spent a little while trying to FIND OUT things I don't know. Even if I can't understand them, I need to know them. I don't think I'm proud. Maybe you do. I think I'm in the middle." Utena says, "I'm -not- content to just sit back and accept what I'm given." Marvin just laughs. "You don't even know what you are. Nobody does. You don't want to know those things you claim you're trying to find out, believe me. I KNOW them." He tugs again. "Didn't Xelloss tell you? I made the stupid mistake of claiming I knew everything right when a god of mischief was around. So he made sure I did." Xelloss erms. "Maybe we should be going.." Utena says, "How do YOU know?" Utena's not going to sit and take being verbally bashed around.. not like this. "You DON'T know me. And maybe you're right.. I don't wholly know what I am. Actually, Xelloss told me NOTHING about you.. he gave me that damn 'secret' line when I asked directly. So don't jump down MY neck for being less than perfect, and don't wave that you know everything over my head unless you intend to SHARE it." Utena says, "You don't know what I'm capable of handling and what I'm not. I've given my whole self over to trying to understand things that I SHOULDN'T. Even if it scares the hell out of me." Marvin ohs? "Is that a dare, little miss Knight of the Lord of Nightmares? You really want to know the ultimate truth over truth? I warned Xelloss I might tell him. Maybe I should tell YOU." Xelloss gets up. "We really SHOULD be going.." Utena looks right back at Marvin, not paying attention to Xelloss right now. "I've faced Order twice, I've -been- a god, I've held light and darkness in the same body. Go ahead. Hit me with what I'm not supposed to know." Marvin grins. Almost.. relieved. "I've been wanting to tell people. I tried once, but his mind snapped..." he stands, confronting you. "You.. don't.. exist. You're just a character from an anime out of Japan. And not even that; all you are is some interpretation of Utena, being played on the Internet, over a game. By someone in Seattle named Carmen. You're a character in a story. Nothing you do matters. There is no world to save, it's just a game." Xelloss hears the words, but doesn't even begin to understand them. But RESISTS the urge to say 'What?'. Because Marvin would EXPLAIN... Utena laughs softly. Most of it's gibberish to her. But the last three sentences make perfect sense to her. "Maybe not. But I'm going to do it anyway. Because that's what I DO." Utena says, "If I wasn't meant to exist, I wouldn't be here. I believe in myself. I believe in my reasons for being. That's all that means anything in the world. So... deal with that." Marvin shakes his head. "You're not DOING anything! She's just typing what you do on a computer. And you too, Xelloss, run by some schmoe from Maryland. Why are you even bothering? Just have wild sex all day or give up and do better things. Honestly." He grumbles, sitting. "You AREN'T here. Cripes. Nobody understands this. Nobody but me. You have.. no clue.. how awful that is." He looks ready to burst, from the frustration. Xelloss ums. Xelloss says, "I think we should go." Utena shakes her head. "No, I think he needs to talk about this." She looks back to Marvin calmly. "I don't pretend to understand everything of what you've said. But the way you say it, it's like there's some kind of.. gods over us. But that's the way EVERYONE is. We're all pawns of something. Fate or chance or just ourselves. Why we bother to do what we do is because it's what we WANT to do. That simply. Maybe we're just... interpretations like you say. What the hell difference does it make? Reality is more than one layer... and you KNOW that I know that. Maybe you're only seeing one world. Maybe you're just not accepting things can be more than they seem, less than they seem, and everything that they seem all at once. " Utena says, "We exist because we MATTER, because we have something important that we do. Even if it's nothing more than satisfying someone else's need." Marvin sinks into himself. Looking at the table. "There is only one world. This isn't anything. It doesn't exist, it's just for them to have some fun and make believe." He looks up. "You matter. I don't. I'm gone, after this scene. Maybe I'll make a cameo later. Otherwise, why go on?" Then.. he stands. "I double dog dare one of you two to get rid of me. So I don't HAVE to come back." Looks... outward, somehow, at that comment. Bitterness, sometimes, can swallow any hope you bring to the table. Utena shakes her head. "You don't understand. You don't understand this, do you." Marvin gets out from the booth, and confronts you. "No, I don't. How can I?! Everything is a collosal joke! How can you just stand there and be so calm when you aren't even real?! Believing in this world is just.. it's just empty faith!" Utena shakes her head and smiles again. "Believing in this world is what I DO. It makes me happy. I love this world. I want to make it all work out. It's not a joke to me... it's important. And even if I'm just some pawn of some greater being... that greater being must feel the same way that I do, somehow. Damn, I haven't been 'real' in a long time. I'" Utena says, "I'm SPLIT IN HALF. There are TWO of me." Utena says, "Yet I'm real. I'm yes and no at the same time. I'm real and unreal." Utena says, "Human and god, something and nothing. You know what? I'm happy to be that way." Marvin sighs. "Yeah, well.. you're favored, in that regard. I'm not. So just go away. Leave me alone and don't come back. Then I'll be out of the picture and can maybe not exist. GO." he points to the door. "Be happy in your stupid acceptance somewhere else." Xelloss remains quiet. Utena sighs, standing up. "If you don't want to exist.. that's not my fault." She shakes her head. "I'm sorry that you feel like that. But it's nothing I can do anything about." Marvin sits back at his table... and has a final pull at the whiskey. "Of course not. Only the players can. But they can't, can they? Because I don't care enough, aye ceely. And if they kludge something, it'll just be proof..." he blinks. "But you just accepted the proof." Realization. Utena smiles quietly. A beam of sunlight floods in through a window despite it being late at night, illuminating him. "Damn. I hadn't thought of that," he says. Shrugs, tosses the whisky bottle away. "I'm OUTTA here." the window opens, and he flies out of it, soaring into the sky. Xelloss says, "............." Utena looks after, not certain what that all meant.. but feeling that something was resolved... she looks to Xelloss. "Sorry about that." Xelloss says, "About what? @.@ Me no see anything." Shakes his head, to clear it. "I think it'd be best for all concerned if I didn't make much of a focused effort to comprehend that. Can we go home now?" Utena giggles. "Yeah, we can go home." She puts her arm around you. "I'm sorry to have caused trouble. It's just.. you weren't there, and I was worried.... I wanted to make sure you were alright. I could only see the doorway just barely." Xelloss ums. "It's okay, I suppose... last time I can use my universal source, though." He sighs. "He was very useful. He really did know everything, and he was never wrong. Shame I couldn't get the whereabouts of the wingless out of him." Utena shakes her head. "Something the Lord said... we can't know everything. It untips the balance of things. We should gather that information on our own, anyway. It was my task to find the wingless and make sure they're all right, not for someone else to solve." She glances down. "I was kind of cheating. I won't do that again." Xelloss ehhehs. "I guess I was cheating too." ^_^; "You don't think I screwed anything up, did I?" Utena shakes her head. "I don't... -think- so. I think we need to do our OWN legwork, anyway. We've had things given to us lately... that's not how it happens for humans. Whatever else we are, we're humans at the core.." She shakes her head, thinking briefly over the Lord's words. That humans and the wingless are joined and ... it's all overwhelming. Xelloss nods! "Too true. Besides, things could be worse, ne?" n.n Utena ACKS! Utena exclaims, "Xel, don't SAY THAT!!" Utena slaps her hand over your mouth and looks from side to side >.> <.< Xelloss o.o "What? Imhpmhphmphmhpm.." Nothing awful happens. Utena hastily shouts, 'He didn't mean it! We're FINE! Just FINE! Utena lets go and sighs. Xelloss glances around. "He doesn't respond to that, usually. He only does something if you say 'What could possibly go wrong?'." Utena AUGHS. Utena exclaims, "XELLOSS!!" Xelloss says, "No! That was just an example! o.o" Xelloss exclaims, "I didn't actually say that in direct relation to the situation at hand!" Utena grabs your wrist. "I'm getting us OUT of here." And drags you off with her to the doorway back... Xelloss gets dragged. @.@ The doorway unravels itself after you arrive at the lawn of Not-Ops. Xelloss says, "Oi, Utena, you're hurting my wrist." Utena blinks. "... Oh, I'm sorry." Utena lets go. o.O Xelloss rubs his wrists -.- "Oi." (plural?) "Honestly. You could be less abusive about your criticism." o.o Utena blinkblinks. "... Criticism?" She looks confused. o.o Utena says, "I... wasn't criticizing anything... I'm sorry if it seemed like I was." Apologizing. She doesn't really know what FOR, but she'll do it anyway, she doesn't want to have a fight. Xelloss shakes it off. "Nevermind." He takes your wrist, instead -- it aches badly, for some reason, but he's not squeezing very hard. "Let's head in and get some chow. You're starting to look pretty thin there." ^_^ Utena looks down. "I am?" She ows faintly. "You're making my wrist hurt." And then she FROWNS. Something's OFF. Really off. Wrong, wrong wrong... Xelloss nods! "Pretty pale, there. We'll have to get some meat into you. A steak, maybe? With a nice side salad. I cook a nice dinner." ^_^ Xelloss walks into the house, heading for the kitchen. Utena doesn't follow. She's.. bothered. Something's wrong. Xelloss blinks. He looks back. "What's wrong? You don't like salad?" Utena shakes her head vaguely, frowning into herself. "... it's not that. But something weird's happening." Utena looks at her wrist which was sore to the touch. Xelloss says, "Isn't that normal? n.n" Xelloss hmms. On second thought, you're serious. He walks over, to check.. there are bruises, on your wrist. On BOTH wrists. Utena stares at her upturned wrists in alarm. Xelloss blinks. "What's wrong?" He looks. Doesn't seem alarmed at all. Utena says, "... There are..." She stares again. "... my wrists are bruised." Utena asks, "You can't see it?" Xelloss hmms. "No, I can't." He pokes at one, experimentally--OW. "Well, the World of Dreams can play silly buggers sometimes.. maybe you're getting tired and dreaming early? It happens." Aren't you tired? Xelloss says, "I'm sure there's a rational explanation." Utena jerks her hand back when you poke at it.. feeling afraid. Really afraid... her heart jumps. Spikes. "..." Utena says, ".. But I'm not that tired." Xelloss is given pause. He doesn't move to touch you again. "I don't understand. What could have given you bruises there? Not that I see any." "What's wrong now?" "I'm looking into that. Be patient." Utena starts... hearing voices. She draws back again, stepping clear... what the HELL is going ON? She whispers weakly, "I'm hearing voices..." Xelloss moves to follow you. "Voices?" He concentrates. "I can't sense any dreams nearby that could be affecting you." "She's resisting opening her eyes. This is perfectly normal." "Do something about it. She's boring lately." Utena says, "Xel... Xel, help me... something's happening.. I don't know what's happening, but it's happening.. people are talking about me..." Utena's eyes have become huge, desperate... "... they say I'm.. boring lately... resisting opening my eyes..." Xelloss moves quickly, to get close to you.. puts an arm around you. "Whoever it is, they'll have to go through me first." He opens a dream portal, touching down.. somewhere in the wilderness, in the real world. "There. Outside of the dreaming. They can't reach you now." "This happens. I told you, if you don't maintain them, they break." Utena clings to you and grasps at your clothing. "It's still there.. I can still hear them..!" She whimpers... "... if you don't maintain them, they break.." Your ankles hurt. Your arms are tired. It's really tiring. You're so hungry.. Xelloss senses around. "I can't FIND anything. Where are they? Show yourselves!!" "Can't you revive her?" "Let me try something..." Utena shudders, clinging to you.. ".. help me..! I hurt... something's being done to me..." One blink. That's all it takes. One blink of the eyes and everything is different.. New place. A room. A cold room. In a castle. A wall. Cold stone. Chained to it. Your limbs ache. Looking forward. Two men. A samurai. A priest. Watching you. Then... blink again, and it's back to Xelloss. Utena SCREAMS. Xelloss snaps a shield over the pair.. blue and glowing. Stronger and stronger. "I'm doing everything I can to lock whatever this is out.." "See? She just keeps resisting. Locking us out." "This is futile. I should just dispose of her, if not for my promise." Utena GRABS Xelloss with shaking fingers.. "... chained to the wall... oh, GOD, no... Xelloss...! -Please-.... stop them... stop them from doing this to me..."! Utena is falling apart, literally CLINGING to you as her only hope, her source of salvation... her body shaking, tears blind in her eyes... "... please..!" Blink. Back to the castle. "Is she back now?" the samurai asks. Blink, back to Xelloss. "Still fading. She doesn't want to wake up from her alternate reality. This happens, when you don't bother keeping them sane." Xelloss's eyes are fierce.. magic flying around him, doing all he can to protect you. Casting spells into the forest, offensive attacks, burning things. "STOP hurting her! Stop hurting my wife!!" Utena says, "They're saying I've gone crazy... help me...!" She sobs when she strobes back to Xelloss... "... they're trying to make me be in the castle again...! Oh, god... please... kill me... kill me NOW..!'" Utena exclaims, "I can't go back to that... I can't, I can't, I CAN'T!" And.. blink. In the castle. With the second blink, it doesn't go away. But.. they heard you. The samurai laughs. "That's better. Pleading to die. Okay, she's back to normal." Utena whips her head from side to side... sobbing. "NO.... NO, this isn't real.. this isn't happening..>!" The priest... the dark Mazoku priest, from Evilania, closes his medical bag. "I've restored as much sanity as I could, but she's been living in a fantasy for a long time. If you don't bother keeping them healthy, they'll do this to escape." Shin-Murasame nods. "I'll call on your services again in a week, then." Utena SCREAMS. Absolutely and utterly and beyond human capacity to scream... And they totally ignore you. This is normal, after all, you've done a lot of screaming. Such a raw throat from weeks of it. The priest says, "You'd better leave her be tonight to recover. Magic can only do so much." Shin-Murasame bahs. "I swore to torment her, twenty four seven. But fine. I suppose relenting a night won't matter." Utena says, "No.. NO... NO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! THIS ISN'T REAL!" She whips her head from side to side... sobbing. The one nightmare she never escaped.. the one horror that still lingers in her heart and her soul, under everything... she screams in her raw throat and sobs and flings her thoughts out helplessly, BEGGING for help.. . The priest departs. Shin-Murasame glares at you.. he flicks his wrist, and a ball gag snaps into place, silencing you. "You make too much noise. Maybe I liked you better when you quietly took it while lost in your dreams." He turns to leave. Utena mrphs, emitting stifled sounds, deprived of even speech... she LUNGES and pulls at her bindings with fresh vigor and utter despair and desperation. THIS IS NOT REAL. She HAS to escape it... it's NOT REAL! --you sit bolt upright in bed, awake. Nighttime. At Not-Ops. Xelloss mrrs. Unsettled a bit, in his sleep. -.- Utena will unsettle you a lot MORE. Screaming. Xelloss O.O!? Xelloss sits up. "What? What?!" Utena can't even speak it.. she just flashes it at you. Utena buries her head in her hands, doubling into herself and SOBBING. Xelloss screams a little too, when you pense him that. Takes six moments to get some breath, then puts his arms around you. "..it was just a nightmare. I swear. We had dinner, and went to bed. I remember that." Utena looks up at you... tears streaking her eyes and her cheeks. "... I don't." Xelloss sighs. "Dreaming in the World of Dreams can do strange things. I'm sorry." He scouts around... "I think there was a wave of nightmare energy passing through, like a storm...yeah. There it is. It's gone, now. Just moved by." Utena clings to you in utter broken despair, sobbing, she throws her arms around you and buries her face in your shoulder. "... I don't know where the dream started... Xelloss...!" She SHAKES in your arms.. "... " Xelloss holds you. He's not going to let go, not unless you want him to; and he can tell you don't. "It's fine. It's better now. It didn't happen... it didn't. You're back to your real life.." Utena tests that. Shaken beyond shaken... but.. how does she know if THAT is real, either...? NO. She BELIEVES. This is her real world. This is it. That was a nightmare. She killed him. Shin is GONE. GONE GONE GONE. Isn't Shin in hell? Xelloss rocks gently, trying to lull you to calmness.. Xelloss says, "It's over." Utena flinches. But he can't get OUT. Francois won't let him out... Oh. You're safe, then. Utena sinks into your arms... "... it's over." No conviction in her voice, the ground she stood on.. just got blown out from under her by her deepest nightmare. Xelloss smiles. "It should be safe to go back to sleep now. I don't sense any other nightmares in the area." Utena says, ".. I... I'm scared..." Utena says, "I... don't want to sleep... I don't want to.." Xelloss says, "You don't have to, actually. But you'll get tired eventually, Utena.. I mean, that's a definite." Utena says, "You DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Utena's voice is a raw wail. She collapses into sobs again. Xelloss blinks. An outburst. "..." Xelloss sighs.. rocks, gently. "I'm sorry." Utena curls up in your arms, against you, crying softly. If you ever thought there was nothing that could break her... you were wrong. This can. Utena's faith in the world is everything to her.. but if her world is actually nothing more than an elaborate internal fantasy.. a lie... A game? Xelloss hrmms. "I should go to Ops.. maybe something is going on here. That can't be a normal nightmare. Not if it's this effective." Utena says, "Don't leave me." Xelloss sighs. "I know. I won't leave." Smiles. "I can check it out another time." Utena nods... quivering, she settles herself against you tightly. "... I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. This is real. I'm not THERE any more." Xelloss nods with you.. wanting to confirm it. To comfort you. "You're definitely not crazy. I'm here and I'm real, you're here and you're real." Utena lets herself be convinced... tries to calm. Honestly tries. She wants to believe it, it's far better than that OTHER possibility. She's.. yes, she's convinced. Her breathing starts to calm down... but she still nuzzles close, very close, needing to FEEL you. Even if.. now doubts are filtering, like horrible streaks of oil on the ocean of her consciousness. Utena fights them with all she has.. Xelloss opts to speculate. Not to dismiss this. "Maybe.. it could be Nightmare. He was working with Order, yes? What better way to get to you than to make you believe this?" Utena nods.. nods quickly. "... m.. maybe." Utena has a sudden insight. One that allows her to save her sanity. Xelloss says, "And I can check with Francois. See if Shin is still there. He should be." How can she have dreamed up people she NEVER MET before? The wingless? She doesn't HAVE -that- kind of imagination. Are you sure? I wouldn't have dreamed up Nightmare. I'd never have dreamed those kind of things that happened to me. Unless it was because they were happening to you in reality. Utena clasps her hands over her ears..."Noo! SHUT UP!" Trying to cast out the voice. Xelloss looks around. "I'd kill for a phone right now. So I could check on these things--" he silences. "Are you hearing things again?" Doesn't it make sense, that if you were being raped and abused all the time, it'd leak in? Utena turns her eyes to you weakly.... "Do something to me... stop me.. put me away... I can't stop my thoughts...! Doubt.. doubting... trying to convince me..!" And then a horrible followup. - "If they contain you, we lose." - Xelloss frowns. Looks around. "There's a nightmare wave. Another one. How could I have missed it? It's got to be Order, getting to you. It's the only rational explanation." Utena starts to cry again. She sinks into the bed, on her stomach, burying her face in the pillow, inconsolable... and she can't even escape her own mind... Xelloss concentrates.. and purges the nightmare wave. The doubt leaves.. well. The consistent doubt. The doubt it planted is now yours. Xelloss says, "You aren't crazy. Something's trying to affect you." Utena turns her head slowly. "... it's working." she manages to rasp out. Xelloss looks in your eyes. "Listen to me. You're safe. You're safe, and you're sane and you are not in the castle. Stay with me, don't let it take you back there." Utena's eyes are HAUNTED. You've NEVER seen them look like that before. Not once. Not EVER. She nods weakly, her hands reaching and closing around yours. "... I can't make the doubts stop... I don't want to go back there..." Your wrists are starting to ache again. Xelloss holds your hands. "There is no doubt. I am REAL. This is all a ruse. I'll do everything I can to stop it." Utena says, "... my wrists hurt... it's not stopping... Xel.. Xel, listen to me...I beg you... come to me... come to me, help me.. I don't know what's happening to me.. I can't stop it." Xelloss closes his eyes.. he attaches himself, to you. Mentally. *I'm here,* he says. *...yes. I can feel that, your wrists. This is all a trick.* Utena says, "I... I'm so scared. I'm not in control. I can't make it stop. If it's Order doing this to me.. I don't know how to win... if it's not... Xel... I'm SCARED...! I can't think clearly, I can't react...!" *I don't know how to win yet either, but I'll help figure a way. They WON'T get away with doing this. I love yo--* Blink. Back on the castle wall. Utena sags wearily. Too disoriented and frightened... she sinks. Sinks deep into it, unable to bring herself back out. It feels like hard reality weighing in.. starvation. Weakness. Soreness. Hanging there, as if you had been hanging for months, in the dead of night in the castle of Shin-Murasame. This is real. It's quiet, a momentary peace, if that means anything, but it's real. Utena's eyes are open, though there's little to see. Her spirit cracks violently, pieces of her shifting and falling apart, sinking... tears flow silently. Oh, God. God in heaven... please have mercy. If this is reality, please let me die.. please let me go insane.. I don't WANT to be sane if this is all there is... please.... please. No god responds to you. Death doesn't come to take you away from this wall.. you don't sink back into your comfortable dream, where you're with Xelloss, and happy and with Anshi and happy. It's just this. Some activity in the hall, through the open door.. a girl walks by, in a kimono, carrying a dinner tray. Reiko. Utena watches her. No. She twists her neck up... tries to see if there's a ring on her left hand. Any ring. Your neck doesn't go that far. It's been perminantly crooked downward.. raising it hurts like hell. It FEELS like there's a ring on your finger, though. Reiko glances in... and is surprised. Your eyes are open. She tenatively walks closer.. just a little. Frightened. Utena moves her hand very slightly. taps the back of her fingers against the wall, listening to the sound. There is no sound. This isn't normal stone, it seems. Nothing in this castle is normal. Reiko clears her throat. "..utena?" Just checking. Checking if you're sane. Utena's head swivels over. She can't talk, but she nods. Wearily. Reiko sighs in relief, and sets the tray down, walking closer. She reaches up to undo the gag.. but hesitates. "...I'll be punished if I touch you," she remembers, aloud. Utena's eyes close. The pain in those eyes..... is unimaginable. She knows. She knows all too well. Reiko swallows. "...I had hoped.. I hoped... were you happy? Insane, I mean. I could see it in your eyes, sometimes." Utena draws in her breath through her nose, an agonized sigh. Her eyes speak for her. If she could, she would. She can't believe this is reality, but she would be back there and away from here in a SECOND. Reiko looks around. She reaches to her dinner tray.. and takes a knife. "...I could.." Her hand trembles. "I could end it. For you. And probably for me, too. Before they find me." Utena tries to shake her head. Because... because there's still doubt. Because.. maybe... just maybe this... ISN'T real.. and maybe.. even if it is.. her dream showed her a way. A weakness. Even if it all begins all over again... Reiko's hand shakes. "I can't take it anymore here. Shin's angrier than ever. Most of the girls have been.. replaced." She looks... at a space on the wall to the right of you. Somewhere you can't see. "Even that creepy girl." Utena remembers suddenly. Xelloss. It's all on him. We were friends even before this nightmare.. even if this is still reality.. even if it's been months... we were friends. He has to have noticed... he has to have seen.... She... flinches... And then.. a loud set of footsteps. Reiko turns, in surprise; but forgets she still is holding the knife. And now it's pointed right at Shin-Mursame, who came to investigate the noise.. he marches right over and snatches it out of her hand. "Don't tell me you need replacing as well, Reiko." Utena watches helplessly; she can't do anything more. Watching with her eyes seeing, clear... present. And horrified. Reiko stammers, terrified.. Shin-Murasame places the knife he took away at her neck. "If not, prove your loyalty." He shoves her to her knees.. and she seems to know what to do. Undoing his kimono sash. The samura looks up at you. "So you're sane again. About time. You were so boring, as an empty vessel to pleasure myself on." Utena's eyes narrow. She'd spit at you if she were capable of doing it, but you've seen to that, haven't you? She just glares at you with utter hate. Hate and terror, fear and loathing. She would kill you AGAIN if she could.. you know that. You can see it. Shin-Mursame pushes his hips forward, at Reiko. Hmphs. Disgusted. "Expecting escape? Don't. While you were 'out', your little friend Xelloss walked right into the castle. Stupidly. I suppose friendship will do that to you. With Orihalcon, he was defenseless." Utena's eyes get larger. Hating you EVEN MORE now. He laughs. NOW he's having fun. "I missed being able to talk to you. You're more entertaining when you feed me your hate. And that quiet girl, the one who tried to take you from the wall weeks ago?" He summons a hand mirror, and angles it... reflecting the thing Reiko was staring at before. Anshi hangs on the wall, right next to you.. in a miserable, miserable state. Unhealthy, diseased.. hasn't been cleaned in months. She has the glazed look of insanity in her eyes.. perhaps safe and happy, in her own world... Utena twitches, no other reaction. She stares, and feels her whole world falling apart underneath her.. abandoned by God, abandoned by everything, everyone and everything she ever loved leaving her... alone. Here. To rot. Shin-Mursame feels that helplessness, and loves it. He kicks Reiko. "If you can't suck better than that, you CAN be replaced." And now, he angles the mirror... to reflect you. Oh, god. Rotten. Skin and bones, past starvation, legions on your skin.. hanging limply in the chains, draped in your own hair which has grown wild and unkempt. That's all you are now. Naked, save for the ring on your finger. "You're worthless, Utena. Just a piece of meat we keep alive to prove who's the superior one." Utena fixes her eyes on the reflection. Tries to tune out the words. The shock of seeing her body like that. The ring. What is the ring..? It's hard to see, in that tiny mirror. It looks familiar.. there is a rose design, of some kind. But that's not the telling thing. It's dripping water. Utena tries to look up. Absolutely pulls every last drop of strength in her to look up over her head and see if it's just... just a drop from a leak in the roof... struggling to move her finger, rub it against the design. PSSSH. A cool jet of water shoots from the silly little trick ring, when you move your finger. Shin-Mursame puts the mirror away, and holds Reiko's head over his hips. "Faster! Can't you do better than that?!" Utena would laugh. She would. But she can't. But that ring... she didn't make that up. If this were truly that other world of that past... it'd be the signet. Unbroken, if Dios never came. Broken if he came and something went wrong. She would have been wearing her signet. Xelloss didn't give her that ring before she came here. She'd smile, she'd laugh if she could. This IS NOT REAL. A dream? A dream. It feels like one, now. It's like Reason told you, all you need to do is to know something exists, and then you can see it when you couldn't before.. Utena GRABS onto that with all her soul. Shin-Murasame grunts once, and shoves Reiko away -- she falls aside, gagging. "Useless. All of them." He turns to you. "Now, you'd better get used to your place, Utena." He draws his sword, and points it at you threateningly. "You're not going anywhere. Your 'life' was just a dream." Utena GRABS onto the knowledge of the ring and to JERK herself from this and OUT of this goddamn dream.. she can escape dreams... she knows how to bend dreams.. she focuses her mind on that sword and attempts to rip it from his hand and SHOVE IT DOWN HIS GODDAMN THROAT... The wall behind you melts like putty, as you step down from it, your will scrapping the dream around your person.. restoring your health. Shin's eyes widen-- the sword leaps from his hands, and moves for his mouth -- he catches the blade with both hands, palms trying to hold it while it works to obey your will. "..NO! It can't happen! Order told me it was foolproof!" Reiko turns, and stares.. stares in terror, at your transformation, at what's happening.. Utena says, "Order was wrong." Utena says, "Just like he's BEEN wrong." Shin-Murasame twists, and grasps his sword; regaining control of it. Frowning. He grabs Reiko and holds her at swordpoint. "I'll kill her. I swear!" Utena says, "This time, I'm not just going to kill you, you miserable, filthy bastard. I'm going to do WORSE to you. Do you know what? This is a dream. And because it's my dream... I can do whatever I want in it." She gestures; Reiko away and beside her. And a sphere of light forming in her hand. This isn't possible... she doesn't KNOW magic! But it's a dream.. and dream is will, and Utena is almost nothing BUT will. Shin-Murasame scowls, and twists his blade into the defensive. "Magic is useless against my Orihalcon blade! You can't stop me. I am the antithesis of your power!" Reiko immediately hides behind you.. frightened out of her wits. Utena says, "Funny.. I think that blade is made of ash." Crumble. Shin's sword turns black, and falls into powder. He frantically tries to dream it back up again, the shape of a sword starting to form.. Utena raises her hand. "Do you know what this is, Shin? It's Giga Restoration. Do you know what it will do when I hit you with it?" Shin's eyes widen. "Impossible! You could destroy the world if you cast that improperly!!" But he looks around, seeking exit. "HELP!" Order responds. YOU FAILED ME. I HAVE NO MORE USE FOR YOU. Utena says, "Yes, I'll destroy the world. THIS world. This filthy dream world that you've clung to. I'm happy to see it die. As for YOU, Order... don't make ANY mistake.... I won't roll over and play dead for you, either." She pushes her hands together, cupping the sphere... then, with the quietest of whispers of the words... sends it forth." The blast expands outward, silently.. Shin-Murasame tries to run, but he's too dumb to remember this is a dream, and hits a wall. The light.. consumes him. No cry of pain, no sound. He's just gone.. Reiko stands behind you, scared. "The world..? No! Please! Don't kill me!!" Utena turns around and sshes Reiko gently. "It's okay. This is a dream. You won't die." Reiko blinks. "A dream..?" And actually looks worse. But you can tell why, before she even says it. "..I don't exist?" The castle starts to go away.. evaporating, into the light. Utena says, "No. You're a dream you. The real you is at peace and safe, Reiko. You were freed." ..a moment of peace, on her face. She believes you. And then, the light... consumes... all Xelloss sits at the bedside, concentrating. Holding your hand... the hand with your ring. Utena sinks into it as well... slowly her eyes shift open, her fingers close around yours. ".... " Utena says, "... Xel..?" Xelloss's eyes open. "Utena!!" He squeezes your hand tighter. "Are you back? Are you? I tried to get something through to you.." PSSSH Xelloss drips. -.- Utena nods... letting out her breath in a slow sigh of relief. And then she giggles. "... It worked. I got it. It saved me. " Utena reaches out and brushes the water from your face... grinning despite herself. "... you saved me." She sits up and HUGS you. Xelloss smiles.. and hugs you. "It worked. Thank the Lord.." And trembles, weakly. "...I'm.. going to pass out. That took a lot out of me to do... you were.. just totally locked off..." laughs. Laughs, happily, despite it all. "I saved you. I love you, Utena. I love you." Utena nods, nods! and holds to you tightly, kissing you over and over. "So.. do.. I.. I love you..." She sinks into the bed with you, tired, too... murmuring.. "I used the Giga Restoration.. in my dream.. because I wanted to use it..." She just collapses into the bed with you... holding you tight, snuggling up against you... letting herself relax, smile... sink into the bed. Safe. Real. Not a lie. Saved by a goofy trick ring that happens to be her engagement ring. She couldn't love it any more right now if it were made of diamond and solid gold. And then, sleep comes. With you. It's the best sleep EVER.