Samurai Pizza Cats: New Millenium Intro

Teaser written by Anthony LoGatto

[Teaser begins as a cat walks into an alley. From the looks of his costume, he is wearing all black [trench coat, cowboy hat, boots and gloves]. His glasses are seen over his hat. He notices the viewer and tells him the story. The stranger will be addressed as Seven.]

Seven: Greetings! I am Seven. What you are seeing now is what the new millenium would have looked like. But it never happened. Ever since Nostradamous predicted that the world would end in the New Millenium, lots of stories and wives tales came afoot. Including the infamous Y2K bug that threatened to cause havoc in the computer world. Including technology. If it struck, all computers would've been destroyed and humanity would've fallen. Now, we already have heroes that people remember, like Superman, Sailor Moon, Darkwing Duck, Bucky O'Hare, and Underdog. But none of them will ever compare to Speedy Cerviche, his wife Polly Esther, and his friends Guido Anchovy, Good Bird, and Francine Manx. Together, they are the Samurai Pizza Cats, heroes of Little Tokyo. Now, as 2000 comes upon us, our heroes will have to face an old enemy, and not to mention new ones. Now I must warn you that some scenes may have foul language and sexuality that will extremely tick off L. Brent Bozell III and the Parent's Television Council. But, since this is a free country, it's your funeral. [humphs a bit] You're not gonna find that on FOX. I must leave now, but before I go, I'll ask you all this: Do you think that our heroes will survive the New Millenium? That's a question we'll leave you to wrestle with. [turns and walks away as his footsteps are heard into the still night.]

END TEASER

As stated above, this teaser was written by my good friend Anthony LoGatto. And IMHO, he did an excellent job too. However, I feel I must clarify a few things about this series.

1) Despite the differences between my previous stories and those in "New Millenium" (the absence of the Narrator, Mama-San and Junior; the elimination of behind-the-scenes jokes; more adult subject matter; etc) the overall timeline is still the same. In fact, Episode 1 of "New Millenium" takes place towards the end of Speedy and Polly's honeymoon, mere months after their marriage in Chasing Forever. Several new characters from "The New Adventures" will appear in "New Millenium", although "New Millenium" will have it's own host of new characters.

2) Anthony alludes that "New Millenium" will contain some subject matter that may be unsuitable for younger readers. He's not joking. Now, I won't put anything too serious in my stories. I would like as many people as possible to be able to enjoy my work. However, there are still some people out there who might be offended. If you are one of these people, please go away and don't bother me.

Consider the entire series as having a PG-13 rating. Each story will have it's own rating which will be posted just under the title before the story begins, and on the website by the fanfic's link.

3) Some quick notes on the setting for New Millenium. It is very similar to, although not identical to the world of Jonas Miles' "Crimson Dawn". By this I mean that the characters in New Millenium are flesh and blood, and not cybernetic animaloids. Little Tokyo is similar to the Simpson's Springfield in that no one is quite sure where it is. The Pizza Cats are all in their early twenties, with Francine being the youngest. As to the existence of humans, well I already had a few in the fanfic "Kitty Slickers". Personally, though, I am not entirely happy with how I handled the issue in that story. It doesn't really matter though, since humans will be playing almost no part in "New Millenium". Deal with this issue however you wish.

4) Legal Stuff. Samurai Pizza Cats are copyrighted by Sotsu Agency (1990) and Saban International (1991). Saban does not endorse or approve this story in any way. Any songs used are copyrighted by their respective owners, same thing goes for any dialogue, characters, places or anything else I might use which does not come from my own twisted little mind. Characters who do not appear in the original Pizza Cats series are NOT NESSECARILY my creations, as my good friend Anthony LoGatto has made numerous contributions to the series.

5) As the series progresses, you may get the feeling that it's building towards something. In fact I hope you get that feeling, because that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I don't want to say anything right now, but I will tell you that something big is coming and "New Millenium" is only the beginning. We're talking ENDGAME saga proportions here. So stick around if you're interested. You won't be disappointed.

Well, I think that's it. Sit right back, kick up your feet... (heck you know the rest) and get ready for the New Millenium.

Samurai Pizza Cats: New Millenium

Episode 1: Honeymoon on Prisoner's Island

Written By Guido Cerviche

Rated PG-13

[Cue Opening Sequence]

[Fade out on the title screen. The show opens with an overhead shot of the spooky side of Prisoner's Island. The camera focuses on that side for a while, before switching to the tropical resort side. It's nighttime, but the island is still hopping. The song Jamming by Bob Marley and the Wailers is playing. Pan around the crowds until we come to a familiar couple going for a night swim at the beach. It's none other than Speedy and Polly Esther Cerviche.]

Polly [laughing]: Face it Speedy, you're too slow! You can't catch me!

Speedy: Oh really?

[He ducks under water and swims towards her. As he closes in he begins humming the Jaws theme. Polly's looking around trying to spot him. Suddenly she screams and disappears under the water. A few seconds later, they both emerge.]

Polly [playfully]: You sneaky little creep!

[Speedy grins mischievously and lunges for her. Suddenly they hear a voice from the shore.]

Zeppo Quax: Hey guys? It's getting kind of dark out. Maybe you should come on back to shore.

Speedy: Thanks Zeppo! We'll be right there.

[The two of them swim to shore, still playing, and walk towards their villa. Cut to outside their room, later that night. We see the DO NOT DISTURB sign on their door. Inside they are both fast asleep. Speedy's arm is draped over Polly's chest, and his face is buried in his pillow. Her face is contorted in pain, and she is sweating.]

[Cut to her dream. Big Cheese is attacking the Pizza Parlor with his latest hi-tech robot. But, for some reason, she and the others are not in their armor. Suddenly, the robot is attacked by a team of five cats in Pizza Cat armor! They look very similar to the original Pizza Cat team, but they are even younger than when Polly and the others started out! Suddenly, Polly finds herself grabbed by the robot. The leader of the team turns toward her as she screams. He looks exactly like a younger version of Speedy, and is even wearing Speedy's armor! He shouts something she can't quite hear, and leaps at the robot. Just before his sword slices the arm that grabbed Polly, she wakes up. Gasping for breath, she looks around and realizes she's still at the villa, on her honeymoon. She looks over at Speedy, and is thankful she didn't wake him up. Already she has forgotten the dream, remembering only that it was strange. Leaning her head against the pillow she soon falls back into a peaceful and restful sleep.]

[The next morning she wakes up and realizes Speedy is not in bed. Looking around, she is surprised to find him in the kitchen.]

Polly [confused]: What are you doing up?

Speedy: Well, you looked so peaceful sleeping that I didn't want to wake you up. So, since I was hungry I made us breakfast.

Polly: Why, thank you! What did you make?

Speedy: For me: a Tuna, Halibut and Monterey Jack omelet. And for you, your favorite: Chocolate Chip Pancakes.

Polly [pleasantly surprised]: Wow! Thanks, but- [confused again] I don't remember telling you they were my favorite. How did you know?

Speedy [grinning]: Did I mention you talk in your sleep?

[Polly is slightly embarrassed and blushes. Quietly she begins to eat her pancakes. Cut to a small hut, miles away from Speedy and Polly's villa. Inside we see a few crows playing some musical instruments. It's none other than the Rude Noise, who are busy jamming in preparation for recording their next album.]

Mojo Rojo [frustrated]: Max, do you realize how long it's been since we've been in the studio?

Bad Max: That's the point Mojo. If we don't put out another album soon, we'll be forgotten. And we need this job, considering our villains-for-hire business is kind of shot.

Ronny Guiseborn: Why? Just because of that defeat during the comet incident?

Bad Max: We weren't just defeated. We were massacred! The cats clobbered us and foiled Cheese's plan, just like always.

Ronny: So what? The comet was a bone-headed plan anyway. In case you forgot, we would've been squashed by the comet too if the Pizza Cats hadn't succeeded. Besides, we did a number on the babe and the blue guy.

Bad Max: Never-the-less, the Comet was our last chance and we blew it. So we better start polishing up on our instruments, because it's doubtful that anyone is going to hire us after that-

[Max is interrupted by the telephone. He picks it up. His eyes grow wide when he hears who it is.]

Bad Max: Cheese! What a pleasant surprise. [pause] Uh, huh. [pause] Uh, huh. [pause] No kidding, those two? I always thought she'd go for Guido. [pause] Uh huh. [pause] Here on Prisoner's Island? And you want us to deal with them? For how much. [His eyes grow wider.] Wow! Consider it done, boss!

Cannonball Batalay: I thought you said he'd never hire us again.

Bad Max: Shut yer trap! Boys, I've got good news. Speedy and Polly are here on Prisoner's Island.

Rojo: What? Why?

Bad Max: They're here on their honeymoon. Isn't that sweet?

Ronny: I take it Cheese didn't just call to tell us so we could take over a housewarming present.

Bad Max: Indeed.

[The crows grin evilly. Cut to outside Speedy and Polly's villa. Groucho Quax walks up to the door and knocks. After about a minute, when no one has shown up, he knocks again. After knocking a third time, Speedy answers the door. He is not wearing his helmet, and his light brown hair is very messed up. In fact the only thing he has on are his boxer shorts, which are white with a red waistband and cuffs. Groucho gives him the once over and grins lopsidedly.]

Groucho: Polishing the ol' Ginzu, Cerviche?

Speedy [annoyed]: Shut up, funnyman. What do you want?

Groucho: I came by to ask if you and your lovely wife might be interested in coming by the Mario & Bros. Club later. We're doing our act tonight. Plus they have delicious Italian food. [Tries to peek his head around the door.] That is, if the two of your aren't… busy.

Speedy [blocking his view]: No, not at all. We'll be there. [pauses for a moment, then clears his throat.] Are you finished?

Groucho: Oh, yes. Indeed. [turns to leave, but turns back, grinning] Is Polly available? I'd love to say hi.

Speedy [sharply]: No. Now please leave!

[Groucho puts his hands up in self-defense. As he walks away he tips his hat to Speedy. Speedy shakes his head and walks back into the room. He looks at the bed in confusion, for Polly is not there.]

Speedy: Polly?

Polly [voice coming from the bathroom, the door to which is open]: I'm in here, Speedy! Who was that?

Speedy [making his way towards the bathroom]: That was Groucho. He came by to invite us to Mario & Brothers later tonight. He and his brothers will be doing their act.

Polly [jokingly]: And that's an incentive for us to go?

Speedy: Actually, I thought it was very nice of him too- [stops dead as he reaches the door. Polly is in the heart shaped Jacuzzi in their bathroom.] Polly, what are you doing?

Polly: I've been dying to try this thing out all day. Is there something wrong with that?

Speedy: I guess not, but I thought we were going to… [blushes] well, you know…

Polly [grinning]: Sorry kiddo. Tell you what. [Cut to a shot from behind Polly. She rises out of the Jacuzzi. We can see from her back that she didn't bother with the bathing suit.] If you want you can keep me company.

[Close up on Speedy, who gulps. Cut to the front desk of the resort. The clerk, who resembles Guru Lou without the glasses, and in a Hawaiian shirt, is reading an issue of Catsmopolitan. The Rude Noise walks up to him, dressed in electrician uniforms. After a few minutes, Max clears his throat. The clerk looks up and quickly puts down the mag.]

Clerk: May I help you gentlemen?

Bad Max: Hello sir. The manager called us earlier, about a problem with the intercom.

Clerk: We don't have an intercom- [The clerk starts to say before Ronny chucks a gas bomb at him. In seconds he is out like a light.]

Ronny: Heh heh. And the cradle will rock.

Bad Max: Great. You and Mojo stand guard. I'll make sure sleeping beauty doesn't wake up. Cannonball, you bug the phones.

Cannonball: Roger.

Max: Great. All we have to do now is wait for the happy couple to order room service. Then we ambush them in their own room, and the next thing you know it's " 'till death do they part."

[Max grins evilly. Cut back to Speedy and Polly's room. They are still in the Jacuzzi, making out. Suddenly the phone on the wall by the tub rings. Despite Polly's objections, Speedy answers it.]

Speedy: Hello?

Guido [on the other end of the phone]: Hey, Speedy! It's me.

Speedy: Can I get back to you, Guido?

Guido: Why did I call at a bad time?

Speedy: Yes. As a matter of fact, you happen to be interrupting what is hopefully a pre-coital activity.

[Polly overhears this and smacks him playfully in the back of the head.]

Speedy [rubbing his head]: Ow.

Guido (amused): I take it the earth is moving then?

Speedy: 9.5 on the Richter Scale.

Guido: Way to go! [pauses for a moment, and then is serious] Ok, what time are we supposed to pick you two up at the harbor?

Speedy: Is that why you called? We won't be coming back for another week. Besides, at this rate, Polly and I might decide to stay here forever.

Polly: That sounds like a great idea.

Guido: No can do, amigos. Big Al is on to your little scheme. We need to get you back pronto before he figures out WHY you got yourselves sent to Prisoner Island.

Speedy: Ok, ok. The boat will be in at 7 p.m. next Wednesday.

Guido: Great.

Speedy: You want to talk to Polly?

Guido: Not right now. I don't want to take time away from your… fun. [Says fun with a slightly smug tone.] So are you guys going out tonight, or is it just more of the same?

Speedy: Actually, the Quax Brothers are performing at Mario & Brothers, and Groucho Quax invited us to see them.

Guido: Cool. So, I'll see you next Wednesday.

Speedy: Yeah. Tell Fran and Lucille I said hi.

Guido: I will. Bye.

Speedy: Bye. [hangs up the phone and turns to Polly] Now where were we?

[He kisses her again. Cut to the Rude Noise's hideout. They had just listened in on the conversation.]

Bad Max: This is even better! We can nab them at that club tonight. Speedy and Polly wouldn't dare put up a fight if there's a crowd of innocent people around them.

Mojo: They won't be able to if they tried. I doubt Princess Vi let them bring their weapons and armor to the island

Bad Max: This is too easy. I almost feel sorry for those two.

[His band mates look at him for a moment, then nod in agreement.]

The Rude Noise: Almost.

[Cut to the Mario & Brothers Club. People are laughing as Harpo Quax chases a girl back and forth across the stage. When both he and the girl are finally off stage, Groucho turns to Chico shaking his head.]

Groucho: Well that's it. From now on I don't want your red headed friend running around in the lobby of this hotel. If you want to keep him up in your room, you'll need to put him in a cage.

Chico: Can't catch him.

Groucho: Who is he anyway?

Chico: That'sa my partner, but he no speak.

Groucho: Oh, he's your silent partner. [pause, laughter from audience] Listen, you asked me about buying property so I want to talk to you about that. Now I have three properties I'm willing to sell to you. They cost me 9,000 but I'll let you have them for 15,000 cause I like you-

Chico: Ohhh, no wait. I can'ta buy them, I gotta no money.

Groucho: You gotta no money? [Chico shakes his head] Then how are you gonna pay for your room?

Chico: That'sa your problem.

Groucho: Oh, I see. You're just an idle roomer. Well, I've got a way you can make some real money. I'm having an auction later, and- wait you know what an auction is, don't you?

Chico: Sure. I came from Italy over the Atlantic Auction. [more laughter]

Groucho [pauses and looks at him funny]: Well, let's continue as if nothing happened. I said I'm holding an auction later at Coconut Beach, and what I want you to do is mingle with the crowd. When the auction starts I want you to bid up the lots. You do know what a lot is, don't you?

Chico: That'sa too much.

Groucho: No, I'm not talking about a whole lot, just a little lot with nothing on it.

Chico: Anytime you got too much, you got a whole lot.

Groucho [rubs his forehead in frustration]: How is it you never got double pneumonia?

Chico: I go around by myself.

Groucho [pauses, then shakes his head]: Anywho, this is what I want you to do. If someone says 100, you say 200. If someone says 200, you say 300.

Chico: Yeah, I got it.

Groucho: Ok, great. Now these are the lots [gestures to a blueprint]. The lots all lie within this 3 mile radius. [looks hopeful] Is there a remote possibility you know what radius means?

Chico: That's a station lika WSPC.

Groucho [shakes his head]: The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. [gestures back to the map] Now look, this is Coconut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Coconut Manor. The swamp is Coconut Heights, and right here where the road forks, that's Coconut Junction.

Chico: Where's Coconut Custard?

Groucho [rubbing his forehead]: That's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so don't worry about it. [points to another spot on the map] Ok, this here is the riverfront. And all across the riverfront here, those are all levies.

Chico: That's the Jewish neighborhood?

Groucho [looking exasperated]: Ok, we'll Passover that. [Gestures again to the map.] This is the road leaving Coconut Beach. That's the road I wish you were on. [Points to yet another spot] Now, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck?

Groucho: I'm fine, how are you? I said here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck? Whya no chicken?

Groucho: It's deep water that's why. Suppose you were riding a horse, and you got there and wanted to ford over. You couldn't, it would be too deep.

Chico: Why do you wanna Ford when you gotta a horse?

Groucho: I'm sorry the matter ever came up. Why don't I take you over to the cemetery? I've got a list of 50 people just dying to get in to that cemetery, but I like you. I like you so much I'm gonna throw you in ahead of all of them.

Chico: You do that for me?

Groucho: Yes, I'm going to see to it that you get a steady position. And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.

[Before Chico can answer with still another tired joke, a loud explosion is heard from the side of the club. A gaping hole has appeared in the wall. Through the hole walk the Rude Noise.]

Bad Max: All right people listen up! We're putting the kibosh on this antiquated entertainment, to bring to you our Greatest Hits Tour.

Polly [angry]: I don't believe it!

Speedy [running up to fight the Rude Noise]: The Rude Noise! What are you guys doing here?

Bad Max: Cheese gave us a call. Told us you and your new wife were rocking the casbah up here, and offered us mucho money to eliminate the two of you.

Ronny: Are you lovebirds going to come along quietly, or do we have to start hurting bystanders?

Speedy [enraged]: You bastards!

[He attempts to unsheathe his sword, only to realize he doesn't have it. Max grins at him evilly and grabs him in a chokehold. He then tosses Speedy clear across the room. Speedy slams face first into the table he and Polly were sitting at. Polly screams.]

Bad Max: Everything is under control, people. As long as the cats come with us, no one will get hurt.

Zeppo: Don't listen to them, guys!

Chico: Zeppo's a-right. You two goin' wita them isa like killin youselves!

Groucho: You mean suicide.

Chico: Hey boss, dis a no time for sewer jokes.

Bad Max: Shut up! The cats are coming with us, and that's final.

Speedy [wiping Alfredo sauce off of his face]: Come on, Polly. This is the only way we can keep these people from getting hurt.

[Angrily, the two cats march over to the crows and leave with them. Cut to the large skull shaped rock that sits atop Prisoner's Island. The Rude Noise have taken Speedy and Polly there. The two cats are now tied together, facing each other, and are perched at the edge of the rock.]

Speedy: So this is it? This is how you plan to eliminate us? Isn't this kind of crude and honorless?

Bad Max: I'm not really thinking about honor right now. I'm thinking of the 2 million dollars Cheese is paying me and my boys to get rid of you.

Polly: 2 Million?! Where did he get that much money?

Bad Max: Good question. One which you'll never know the answer to.

[With that he pushes them off the rock. As they rush towards the jungle floor, Speedy sees a vine attached to a tree draped over a branch hanging off the cliff. Miraculously, he manages to get his hand free enough to grab it and swings through the jungle. Polly lets out a Tarzan-esque yell, as they hurtle through the trees. Eventually her yell turns into a scream as she sees where they are headed.]

Polly [screaming]: SPEEDY, LOOK OUT!

[Speedy looks ahead and notices they are headed straight for a tree. He has no time to react before they smack into the giant trunk. After a moment, they fall from the imprint they left in the tree and collapse on the ground, unconscious.]

[After an indeterminate amount of time they wake up.]

Polly [sleepily]: Oh, my god. I can't remember when I've had a worse headache.

Speedy [groggily]: The third day of our honeymoon.

Polly: Oh yeah. The morning after the $12 margaritas. Felt like my brains had been bashed in by a slice of lime wrapped around a gold brick.

Speedy: <That sounds familiar.> Yeah, the rest of that night is still a blur. We didn't get out of bed until 6:30 the next night.

Polly: I know. [A sudden realization dawns] Speedy, we're still tied up.

Speedy: Not only that, but I have no idea where we are.

Polly: Me neither. Come on, let's get loose and then figure out where we are.

Speedy [squirming]: Good idea. I think the knot is by you.

Polly [same]: I can feel it, but I can't reach it. Can you get your other hand looser?

Speedy [same]: I think so… Yes! It's free.

Polly: Excellent. Ok, grab the knot and push it up to my hand.

Speedy: Ok… Done.

[Polly unsheathes her claws and scratches at the knot. In seconds the knot is reduced to shreds. They give a cheer as the ropes sag loosely off them.]

Polly: Uh, Speedy? You can get off me now.

Speedy [coyly]: You know, getting tied to you was kind of a turn on. I mean here we are, all alone in the forest, no one has the slightest idea where we are…

[Polly smiles at him and kisses him. Then suddenly she tosses him off.]

Polly: Later you little hentai. First we have to figure out where we are.

Speedy [sitting up] (disappointed): Alright, where are we?

Polly: Probably somewhere on the side of Prisoner's Island that faces Little Tokyo.

Speedy [flopping back on the ground] (sarcastically): Well that's a lot of help. Any idea how far away we are from civilization?

Polly [glaring at him slightly]: No, not really. It could be weeks.

Speedy (sarcastic): Perfect. Here's an idea: why don't we just camp out on the beach and wait for our "Rescue Boat" to actually rescue us?

Polly: We need to make sure Cheese knows we're still alive. If he gets news from the Rude Noise that we've been aced, he'll probably launch an attack against Little Tokyo. The others won't be prepared for him.

Speedy: And Cheese will finally take over. You're right, we can't let that happen.

Polly [quiet anger]: Besides, I want revenge against the Rude Noise.

Speedy [clear his throat]: Pol, I'm as angry about this as you are, but you seem to be forgetting three very important facts. One- We don't have weapons, Two- We don't have armor, and Three- They out number us 2-1.

Polly: But they think we're dead.

Speedy: I still don't like our odds.

Polly: Ok, we'll figure it out when we get back to the resort. In the meantime, let's just get moving.

Speedy: Good idea. [sighs] I guess I know who the brains in this relationship is.

Polly [grinning and poking him in the chest]: And don't you forget it.

[They turn and begin hiking towards the resort. Several hours later, they are still trying to get through the dense foliage. Their clothes are now dirty and tattered, and they are drenched in sweat.]

Polly: Hot day today, isn't it?

Speedy [slow boil]: It's hot every day. Except today we're not in an air-conditioned room or a cool refreshing ocean or pool. We're in this forest, which I think should technically be considered a jungle, and we're hiking through miles and miles of it, trying to get back to our air-conditioned rooms and cool refreshing pools and oceans, all because OF THE RUDE NOISE! [screams in rage] AAAHHHHHH!

Polly [staring at him, with her hands on her hips]: I guess that revenge bit is starting to look good, right about now?

Speedy: Ooh hoo hoo, yeah! [Looks startled as his ears perk up.]

Polly [whispering]: What is it?

Speedy [meekly]: I have… a bad feeling.

[Polly suddenly looks startled too, and her ears pick up.]

Polly [nervous]: Y-yeah. Me too.

[They stand perfectly still. We finally here the sound, a low growling sound. It slowly gets louder and more threatening. Suddenly it stops.]

Speedy [relieved]: Heh. Probably some wild animal catching it's dinner.

Polly [same]: I guess you're right.

[She turns around and screams at the sharp spear that is now pointed at her chest. A pack of wolves dressed in animal skins and loincloths have surrounded them. They look rather unkempt, but not overly disgusting. Some seem about as old as Speedy and Polly, give or take 2-5 years. Most, however, seem at least 10 or 20 years older. Leading the pack was an elderly, but powerful looking, alpha wolf.]

Speedy [trying to keep cool]: How… do you do? We tourists. Get lost in jungle, now try find way to resort. You savvy?

Alpha Wolf: Are you some kind of idiot? We speak perfect English.

Speedy [surprised]: I'm sorry, I had no idea. I guess… I just assumed… from your appearance and… [giving up] Uh Polly, do you want to try talking to them?

Polly [steps up]: Could you put your weapons away? We mean you no harm.

Alpha Wolf: I'm sorry, but you have intruded upon our land and as such you are our prisoners.

Polly: But we didn't know it was your land, besides we were only cutting through it to get to the resort on the other side of the island.

Young Male Wolf: Resort on the other side- What is this madness? I say we kill them now.

Alpha Wolf: Lothar, be patient. We must take them back to the camp and judge them first.

Lothar: But sir-

Older Male Wolf: Listen to your Grandfather, Lothar.

[Lothar still looks angry, but says nothing.]

Alpha Wolf: Thank you, Akida. It's nice to know that you still have some control over that [said with contempt] lone wolf.

Akida: Thank you, father.

Alpha Wolf [to the others in the pack]: Take them.

[Before Speedy and Polly can even prepare for a fight, two blow darts whiz out seemingly from nowhere and strike them in the necks. Immediately they begin to feel woozy from the powerful drug that coated the darts. Speedy staggers towards the Alpha wolf and then pitches forward into the ground. Polly collapses beside him.]

Polly [weakly and drowsily]: Speedy…

[Switch to Speedy's point of view, which is spinning slowly, distorting everything he sees as it turns. Looking at Polly he sees a drugged, drowsy look on her face. Slowly her eyes close and she drifts off to sleep. Speedy tries to call her name out, but his mouth and tongue are no longer working right. It comes out as more of a mumbled moan. As the world spins faster, his perception becomes more and more distorted. He hears the wolves discussing something, but their voices are indistinct and muffled. Just before everything fades to black, they pick him up and carry him deeper into the forest.]

[Commercial Break]

[It is late at night in the forest. The camera has a bird's eye view of the Wolf Pack's camp. Shift to a close up of Polly. She wakes up, but is still under the influence of the drug. Cut to her point of view. The rest of the world is still spinning distortedly, and the voices are muffled. The wolves seem to be gathered in front of them, around a fire. The Alpha Wolf is standing in front of the fire, facing the other wolves. Polly hears his voice, but the words seem garbled and indecipherable. Cut to a shot of the gathering.]

Alpha Wolf: We must now come to a discussion. What should we do with the two felines we captured earlier today?

Lothar: I say kill them. Their time on the island has clearly driven them insane. If we allow them to live, they will surely destroy us all.

[Several younger wolves howled in agreement. Angrily, Lothar's father Akida stood up.]

Akida: We will not destroy two innocent lives just to satisfy your bloodlust, Lothar!

Lothar: It's not for my bloodlust, it is for the good of the Pack! You heard their ravings. The island has driven them mad.

Female Wolf: What if it hasn't? What if they speak the truth?

Akida: You think there may really be a vacation resort on the other side of this island, Lupe`?

Lupe`: It's possible. Think of what that could mean. No longer would we be forced to live in the jungle like savages. This punishment Princess Vi has forced us to endure would be over.

Akida: Indeed, living here would almost become a blessing.

Lothar: I can't believe you people are falling for this rubbish!

Lupe`: Son, don't you understand? We wouldn't have to live in the woods any more.

Lothar: Don't you understand, mother? The rest of the Pack was already banished when you bore me. The woods is all I've known, all many of us have ever known. [gestures to the younger pack members] And we will give our LIVES before you take that from us!

[Cheers and howls are heard from the younger members again. The Alpha reestablishes order.]

Alpha Wolf: I terribly sorry Lothar, but I'm afraid us old folk still out number you youngins in the Pack. And I do not see how releasing our captives in anyway endangers us. So, unless anyone else objects, the felines are to be released as soon as they are able to walk, talk, feed, and relieve themselves under their own power. Judgement is passed, meeting adjourned

[The wolves get up and leave. Lothar gathers several of his younger pack mates around.]

Lothar [w/ venom]: This is not over.

[The others nod at him. Close up on Polly. She still has a stoned look on her face, and hasn't understood a word that was said. Finally her eyes roll up into her head, which hits the floor of the cage moments later. Once again, she is out like a light.]

[Cut to next morning. Speedy and Polly are resting peacefully, when Akida cuts the cage down. They are jostled awake, but still seem dazed from the drug.]

Akida: Come on, get up. The venom should be wearing off soon, and that means you'll probably throw up. We don't want you two choking on your own vomit before we let you go.

[Speedy and Polly rise and are led away from the camp. After a few feet Polly stops looking very green. Quickly she bends over and, sure enough, vomits. Speedy only makes it a few feet further before he has to worship the porcelain god. Polly manages to quickly recover, while Speedy continues to get sick.]

Akida [to Polly]: Feeling better?

Polly [uneasy]: I don't know.

Akida [chuckling]: Your stomach may still be upset. The feeling should pass in an hour or so.

Polly: Ok.

Akida [offering her a bottle of green liquid]: Peppermint extract?

Polly: Does that help your stomach?

Akida: A little, but mostly it freshens your breath. Most people need it after the venom wears off.

[Slightly embarrassed, Polly takes the bottle and takes a few sips. She swishes it around for a while, before spitting it out.]

Polly [making a face]: Tastes pretty horrible.

Akida: We don't really have anything to sweeten it with.

[Speedy comes over, finally done puking his guts out.]

Speedy (hoarsely): If you guys capture us again, I'd rather you kill me than use that venom.

Polly: Where the heck did you get that stuff anyway?

Akida: It's secreted from the skin of a tree frog that, as far as we know, only exists here on the island. You guys actually got the low dose. In higher doses it can cause hallucinations or even death.

Speedy: So you guys live here in the forest?

Akida: Yes. We once lived as a commune in Little Tokyo. Back there we were known as Gaia's Children.

Polly: I remember hearing about you. I was very fascinated by your sect. I was going to join, but my father didn't want me running off with a bunch of "crazy cultists".

Speedy [smiling]: I'm glad he stopped you.

Polly [turning her head from him]: Here. [Hands him the peppermint extract bottle] You need this.

[Speedy frowns and takes a swish.]

Akida: We were very well known. Many thought of us as religious crackpots, but some of the townsfolk respected our ways. [As Akida continues his story, Speedy's face turns green and he spits the extract out.] But our sect soon crossed paths with Princess Vi.

Polly: What happened?

Akida: Well, the Princess never liked our cult to begin with. Like many others, she was convinced we were nuts and wanted us out of Little Tokyo. So, the first chance she had, she banished us to the island.

Speedy: What did you guys do? [pauses] Eh, not to imply you were wrong or anything, but-

Akida: Relax, no offense taken. [pauses for a moment] We got into a… dispute with her over where the new palace was to be built. We tried to convince her that the spot chosen was actually a nexus to the spirit world, and as such it was sacred to us. That was all the excuse Vi needed to banish us. We've been here for over five years now.

Polly: That explains why you guys never found the resort. You were banished here before I. Beam even finished the palace.

Akida: I. Beam? You mean the architect who built the palace?

Speedy: Yeah. The Princess banished him after the palace was completed. Apparently he and the Princess were playing a video game to celebrate the completion of the palace and he accidentally won.

Akida: Hmm, I. Beam. Just like him to turn a deserted jungle island into a beach resort.

Speedy: You know the guy?

Akida: I. Beam was actually one of our sympathizers. Before we were banished, he told us he had a few ideas for the construction of palace.

Polly: What do you mean?

Akida: Have you ever seen the movie Ghostbusters? [Speedy and Polly nod.] In that movie, the apartment building that Sigorney Weaver lived in was built to collect spiritual energy, and allow the elder god access to earth.

Speedy: So it could bring about the end of the world. (incredulous) Are you saying Beam did the same thing?

Akida: Something similar, but not so malicious in intent. The palace has essentially become a cairn, a place of extraordinary spiritual power. If anyone knew the rituals needed to tap that power, cairn would open and the spirit world would be at their disposal.

Polly: But what's the point? The Royal Family obviously has no idea of how to open the cairn, and as long as it remains closed, the power is sealed, right?

Akida: That's correct. And only Beam would know the rituals to open it. I suspect he planned to open it shortly after the palace was completed, to show the Royal Family the truth of our arguments. Vi probably banished him before he was able.

Polly [shaking her head]: So now the Royal Family is sitting on top of one of the greatest fonts of spiritual energy, and they don't know it. Figures.

Speedy [after a moment of silence]: I'm sorry, I just don't buy it.

Polly: Huh? Why not?

Speedy: Well, for one thing, I don't think that Beam would be able to construct a building like that. Sure, he's an architectural genius, but when I talked to him I didn't get any inkling that he had any sort of spiritual knowledge.

Akida: Nothing is what it seems. [pauses for a moment] I think it's time for you two to get going. You can take these with you for protection. [Hands them some hardened leather armor and a few spears.] Go in peace.

[Speedy and Polly take the armor and weapons and leave. Cut to later in the day. They are wearing the armor and are still making their way through the jungle. Suddenly, Speedy turns around to see the spear that is aimed straight at his head. Screaming he ducks. The younger members of the wolf pack surround them.]

Speedy: Oh, jeez, not again! I thought we settled this!

Lothar [aiming his spear at him]: You are endangering us and our way of life.

Polly: You can't do this Lothar. Your pack let us go-

Lothar: We are not acting on behalf of the pack now. We are doing this for us. The forest is our home, and no outsiders are going to take it away from us.

Speedy: So you guys would rather live in the wilderness than on a tropical paradise? That seems a little… strange to me.

Lothar: We don't expect you to understand. We just expect you to die.

[The pack members close in around them. Speedy tosses his spear at a young wolf, who barely dodges. Speedy manages to jump kick the wolf in the head, knocking him out. Polly likewise tosses her spear. It hits a young female wolf in the stomach, but fortunately Polly didn't throw it hard enough to cause a fatal injury. With two of the six wolves down, they try to make their escape. Unfortunately, Lothar and another young wolf catch them.]

Lothar [holding Polly by the hair]: That was not a smart thing to do. Not only do you not have any weapons now, but you have made us very angry.

[He unsheathes a knife and lowers slowly it towards her chest.]

[Commercial Break]

[Close up of Speedy. He shouts and tries to come to Polly's aid, but his captor has him in a full nelson. Suddenly, the tension is interrupted by a loud yell.]

Voice [yelling]: SNOOCH TO THE MUTHA-F[CENSORED]ING NOOCH!

[Out of nowhere a tall , lanky blond human in a black T-shirt and jean shorts, wearing a do-rag, leaps into the air and kicks Lothar right in the chest. Lothar lets go of Polly and the knife and quickly drops to the ground. Before anyone can react a shorter, stocky guy body slams the wolf grabbing Speedy. The heavier dude is wearing a forest green jacket, another pair of jean shorts, and a backwards baseball cap. Now free of the wolves' grasps, Speedy and Polly clobber the remaining attackers by swinging them into each other. The wolves get up and leave, making whimpering noises.]

Lothar [clutching his chest]: This isn't over! [runs after his pack mates]

Speedy [rolling his eyes]: Somebody's mother gave him the bottle instead of the teat. [He and Polly turn around to see the two humans slapping high five.]

Tall Guy: Ha! Did you see what we just did? We popped their asses! Those overgrown jungle bitches'll think twice before [CENSORED] with anyone ever again! [snorts] Snoogans.

Speedy: Uh, hey? Guys? [They turn to him.] Yeah. Uh, thanks for helping us out. Um, who the hell are you?

Tall Guy: Oh, yeah. Uh, my name's Jay. Tubby here is my best bud, Silent Bob. If you don't mind me asking, who the [CENSORED] are you.

Speedy [trying to ignore Jay's foul mouth]: Uh, I'm Speedy Cerviche, and this is my wife, Polly.

[Polly offers Jay her hand. Jay looks her up and down and whistles.]

Jay [to Speedy]: Man, she is [CENSORED] hot! Mind if we borrow her?

[Polly's face quickly turns from shock to rage. Her extended hand curls into a fist and she pounds Jay through the jungle floor. Silent Bob's face goes white with shock and fear.]

Polly [disgusted w/ Jay]: Go [CENSORED] yourself!

[Polly rejoins Speedy, and they being to walk off. With Silent Bob's help, Jay pulls himself out of the ground.]

Jay: Aw [CENSORED] it, man! Why didn't you tell me tell me that would happen? I thought you said the kitties were different!

[Silent Bob gets an annoyed look on his face and points a finger at Jay]

Jay: Whoa, I don't wanna hear it man. Just shut up. Come on let's just get back to the resort. We had better luck with the honeys-

Speedy [stops dead in his tracks and turns, interrupting]: Wait! You know where the resort is?

Jay: Oh yeah, man. It's just about two hours that way [points at a 90-degree angle from the direction Speedy and Polly were heading.] I gotta tell ya, that bunny lady has weird ideas about prisons.

Speedy [walking towards the direction Jay's pointing in]: Tell me about it. So, how did you guys end up on Prisoner's Island.

Jay [walking with him]: Well, we had just been through some weird [CENSORED] over in New Jersey. Something about stopping a couple of angels from destroying the world or something. Anyway, we decided we needed a [CENSORED]ing vacation, so we scrap together some money to fly out to Little Tokyo. We make a little stop off in Hollywood, get to see [CENSORED]ing Jennifer Aniston on the set of Scream, and-

[Jay continues to ramble on. Cut to Polly and Silent Bob, who are walking behind them. Polly glares at Silent Bob. Bob gives her a questioning look and points to himself.]

Polly [ticked off]: Yes, you!

[Bob shrugs his shoulders as if to ask "what did I do?"]

Polly: Oh, don't play dumb. You and your partner have the same thing on your mind, don't you?

[Bob points to Jay with a questioning look on his face. When Polly nods, he shakes his head.]

Polly: You don't?

[Bob shakes his head. He then points to Jay and makes a "bent wrist" gesture.]

Polly [giggling]: He is?

["I think so" Bob mouths to her.]

Polly: Are you two um- [clears her throat], you know…

[Bob quickly shakes his head.]

Polly [Giggling again]: I guess I was wrong. You're nothing like him.

[She smiles at him. He smiles back. Cut back to Jay and Speedy.]

Jay: So the [CENSORED] cops pick us up, and they take us to this [CENSORED]ing big tough guy, Al sumthin' they called him. He takes us to this [CENSORED] hot girl bunny. Al tells her what we were doing, and she asks us if this is true. Now, I've got the image of bunnies doing it in the back of my mind, so I figure she's pretty easy. I ask her if we can "make with the love" and she blows up in my face. The next thing I know it's "AL, SEND THIS HENTAI TO PRISONER'S ISLAND!" I've got no idea what a hen tie is, but at that point I figure we're [CENSORED]ed. She puts us on a boat and sends us here. Now I don't know what the [CENSORED] she was thinking.

[Speedy is struggling to keep from bursting out laughing. Obviously, Jay was not familiar at all Little Tokyo.]

Jay: So what's your story, Speedy? What the [CENSORED] are you and her doing here?

Speedy [composing himself]: Well, long story short, we came here for our honeymoon, ran into some old enemies, got lost on the other side of the island, and are finding our way back with you guys now.

Jay: What about the wolves?

Speedy: Eh, that's a much longer story. I'll tell you guys-

[Stops short and shields his eyes. The sun is blaring at him from a gap in the trees. As he makes his way through, he finds they are back at the resort.]

Speedy [whooping for joy]: We're back! YAHOO! [takes off running for the ocean. Polly joins him.]

[Cut to about an hour later. Speedy finally emerges from the water. The camera only shows him from the waist up since he and Polly were skinny-dipping.]

Polly: Uh, Speedy? You might want to cover up!

Jay [with a full frontal view]: Whoa.

[Speedy quickly reaches for a towel. He then turns and faces Jay and Bob again..]

Speedy: Polly's going to come out now. If you guys insist on watching, I won't be held accountable for the painful injuries you sustain.

[Shot of Jay and Silent Bob who quickly turn their backs. Jay tries to peek over his shoulder, but is nailed in the head with a large conch shell. Dazed he falls to the ground.]

Speedy [re-donning the leather armor]: Ok, we now have armor, and seeing how well our new friends fought the wolves, we have sufficient numbers. Want to take on the Rude Noise?

Polly [same]: What about their weapons? We lost ours, remember?

Speedy: Don't worry. I have a plan.

[So after explaining the situation to Jay and Silent Bob, the four heroes approach what was once Speedy and Polly's villa. The camera cuts inside and we see that the Rude Noise has since made it their home, as is evidenced by the utter destruction of the room. Inside, Bad Max is on the phone with Cheese.]

Bad Max: Yeah don't worry about it Cheese. The Cerviches are officially-

[Before he can finish, the door is broken down. Speedy, Polly, Jay, and Silent Bob appear in the doorway, menacingly.]

Bad Max: Y-you're alive!

Speedy [grinning evilly]: You didn't really expect us to go so easily, did you?

Ronny: It doesn't matter. You guys are unarmed. Even with the stoners helping you out, we'll win.

Speedy: That's why we're challenging you to hand to hand combat.

Bad Max [stunned]: You're kidding!

Polly (softly) [glaring slightly]: That's your big plan?

Speedy (softly): Not entirely. Just wait.

[The Rude Noise are struggling not to laugh at Speedy's challenge.]

Bad Max [barely able to control himself]: Y-you can't be serious!

Speedy: I am.

Cannonball: And what if we refuse?

Speedy: Then I'll be sure to tell Cheese what Max here did with his dresses while he was away.

[The rest of the Rude Noise turn to Max in shock. Max seems naturally upset.]

Max [nervous and upset]: L-lies! All of it! LIES!

Speedy: Come on, Max. Who do you think he'll believe? Even Cheese knows that bad guys always lie.

[Max gets the anime sweat drop effect, then finally gives up.]

Max: Alright. We accept.

Jay [whispering]: Dude, how did you know about Max liking girls' threads?

Speedy [same]: Actually, it was a lucky bluff.

[Silent Bob chuckles to himself. Close up on the Rude Noise, who are huddled together.]

Max: Those four must not survive the fight.

Mojo: What are we going to do? I don't know about the potheads, but the cats are much better fighters than us.

Max: I know that too. That's why we're going to cheat.

Cannonball: Excellent strategy.

Max: Ok, then we're agreed. Any questions?

Ronny: Yeah, Max? Is it true what the cat said?

Max [shouting]: OF COURSE IT ISN'T YOU NITWIT! NOW COME ON! WE GOT A FIGHT TO WIN! [The rest of the Rude Noise breaks away from the huddle. Max lets out an onion shaped puff of air in relief.]

[Moments later they found themselves out on the beach, surrounded by crowds of spectators. On one side, from left to right, was Bad Max, Mojo Rojo, Ronny Guiseborn, and Cannonball Batalay. On the other side, facing them were Speedy, Polly, Jay, and Silent Bob respectively. Close up on Bad Max, who's glaring at Speedy. Close up on Speedy, whose face contorts into a sneer.]

Speedy: Let's dance.

[The two teams launch themselves at each other. Silent Bob and Cannonball resort to good ol' fashioned Sumo Wrestling. Attempting to take the offensive, Cannonball launches into a vicious barrage of head butts and double kicks. Silent Bob breaks the pattern by body slamming Cannonball, and then smashing the large crow's face into his knee. Dazed and confused, Cannonball's eyes bug out of their sockets as Bob runs into him, slamming his head into the bird's stomach.]

[Jay and Ronny manage to deftly avoid each other's attacks. Jay gets in a lucky shot with a Somersault Kick. Angry, Ronny goes for a cheap shot and attempts to peck at Jay's face. Instead, he lunges right into Jay's Spinning Backhand. Ronny tries to turn the odds in his favor by leaping into the air and swooping down into Jay. Although the move is successful, Jay manages to kick Ronny off of him and finishes him w/ an elbow drop.]

[Polly & Mojo face off w/ claws and talons. As with Jay and Ronny, they manage to avoid each other's blows, until a lucky swipe by Mojo scratches Polly's cheek. Touching the tiny wound, Polly sees that he managed to draw blood. Furious, she launches an aggressive counter attack. She leaps low at him and spins {the move is similar to the Cannon Drill used by Cammy in the Street Fighter games}, slamming her heels into his chest. With her opponent dazed, she wraps her legs around his head and flips him into the ground. Finally, as Mojo lies on the ground in obvious pain, she lets loose a furious barrage of punches on his face, head, and chest]

[The final match is Speedy vs. Bad Max. Speedy leads off with a mighty uppercut that actually lifts him several inches off the ground. Bad Max counters with powerful Backflip Kick. Speedy delivers a quick two-kick combination that hits low and high. Bad Max responds by grabbing him by the neck, bending him over, and punching him repeatedly in the face. Eventually getting free, Speedy counters by bringing both hands together over his head and bringing them down on Max's head. Max appears to be down and out.]

Speedy [pumping his fist in the air]: WE DID IT!

[He and the others are so busy celebrating, they don't notice the Rude Noise recovering. Furious, Bad Max delivers a low, powerful kick that drives his shin into the outside of Speedy's thigh, hitting the femoral nerve. With his leg spasming, Speedy goes down. Max rises and points his sword at Speedy's throat. The other members of the Rude Noise rise and take their respective opponents hostage.]

Bad Max: Sorry, boys. You didn't really think we'd give you a fair fight, did you? [Pulls Speedy to his feet. The cat groans in pain.] You know Speedy ol' boy, for a while I was considering killing each and every one of you, but I think I have a better idea now. [hands him a sword.] If you kill your little stoner friends, I'll let you and your wife go.

Jay: Oh, [CENSORED]

Polly: Don't do it, Speedy!

Silent Bob [to Polly]: I don't see how he has a choice. If he doesn't, they'll kill all of us anyway.

[Everyone stares in shock at Silent Bob. He looks around, and suddenly seems annoyed.]

Silent Bob: Hey, just because I don't like to talk doesn't mean I can't!

Max [to Speedy]: At any rate, he speaks the truth. Kill them, or we'll kill all of you.

Polly: Speedy, don't! [Mojo tightens his grip on her.]

Max: Mojo, if Mr. Cerviche fails to comply, execute his wife.

Speedy: No!

Polly: Speedy, if you kill them I'll never forgive you.

Max: Speedy, how much do these guys matter to you? They can't mean more than Polly's life.

[Speedy glares at Max, and then lowers his head.]

Speedy: You're right. [takes the sword] They don't.

[Polly watches in horror, as Speedy advances on Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob closes his eyes, accepting his fate. Jay is still trying to squirm away, with minimal success. Speedy raises his sword, preparing to cut down Silent Bob. He brings the sword down but he cuts wide, missing Bob and slashing Cannonball in the thigh. Cannon grimaces in pain and drops Bob. Bob stares at Speedy in shock.]

Max: Mojo, kill her!

Akida [appearing suddenly behind Mojo, holding a spear at his neck]: Let her go or I jam this into your spinal cord.

Lupe` [behind Ronny, with a bone knife]]: You should probably let go too.

[In a flash, the Rude Noise is surrounded by the Wolf Pack. Max glares at Speedy.]

Max: You were waiting for them, weren't you? You cheated!

Speedy [smug]: Well, I knew you guys were going to. What did you expect me to do? [to the Wolf Pack] TAKE THEM!

[Four poison darts fly out of no where and hit the Rude Noise in the neck. After a few minutes, they drop like rocks and are out cold.]

Jay: Holy S[CENSORED]! Where the [CENSORED] did these guys come from?

Polly [looks around at the Wolf Pack, then glares at Speedy] (mock anger): Next time, brief me.

Speedy [laughs]: Deal. [To Akida] Hey, what took you guys so long? I was afraid you didn't find the message I left.

Lupe` [grinning]: Sorry, but Akida just loves to make an entrance. How did you know we were following you?

Speedy: After you let us go, you didn't make as much of an effort to hide your tracks. And I was especially careful after Lothar and his buds attacked us.

Akida [to Lupe`]: I told you to have a talk with that boy. Where is he anyway?

Lothar [voice off screen]: Right here, dad.

[They all turn around to see him.]

Lupe`: Lothar, I thought you were with the others in your "hunting party".

Lothar: [grinning] I was, but I just had to get away and do some exploring.

Lupe` [curious]: Well, you're in quite a mood. I thought you said you never wanted to leave the forest. What changed your mind?

[Lothar gestures with his head to a cute young she-wolf in the crowd. She's wearing a bikini and giving him the "come over here" finger curl.]

Lothar: Her name is Melanie. She's been sentenced to life for beating the Princess in a swimsuit competition.

[Akida gives his approval w/ a low howl. Lupe` glares at him and hits him playfully in the stomach. Lothar grins again and runs over to Melanie. Speedy and Polly then walk off with Jay and Silent Bob. Cut to the Mario & Brothers Club. The Quax brothers are sitting at the bar, looking kind of down. Suddenly Speedy, Polly, Jay and Silent Bob walk in. The four ducks do anime style double takes and rush towards them.]

Chico: Hey! Speedy, Polly, you alive!

Zeppo: Boy you guys had us worried! We thought you were dead.

Polly: We almost were, a couple of times.

Groucho [gesturing to Jay & Silent Bob]: Hey, who are these guys, the cover men for Stoner's Monthly?

Speedy: Oh, these are our new friends [Points to Jay] Jay, and… [points to Bob] Silent Bob, although he isn't always silent.

Jay: Tell me about it. [to Silent Bob] You know, I'll never [CENSORED]ing understand that about you.

Silent Bob: Not being able to speak is not the same as not speaking. You seem as if you like to talk. I like to let people talk who like to talk. It makes it easier to figure out how full of [CENSORED] they are.

Harpo [snapping his fingers]: Jackie Chan from Rush Hour, right?

Silent Bob: You've seen it?

Harpo: Are you kidding? That's one of my favorite movies! I loved Chris Tucker's reaction the first time he spoke English.

Silent Bob: I know! And how about when they were doing War together?

Harpo: Oh yeah, that was so funny.

Silent Bob: I know. Hey, do you like comic books?

Harpo: Do I! One of my favorites is Daredevil.

Silent Bob: Hey, me too!

[The two once quiet guys wander off, talking about comic books and movies while everyone watches in amazement.]

Jay [to Groucho]: Hey dude, you know any place a guy like me can get some action?

Groucho: As a matter of fact I do. [hands him a business card] The address is here at the bottom. You'll love it; the entertainment is top notch. [pause] Eh, or so I've heard. [his eyes roll upward]

[Jay looks at the card, grins, and runs out. Cut to one week later. Speedy and Polly are on the "rescue" boat, waving to the Alpha wolf, Akida, Lupe`, Lothar, Melanie, the Quax brothers, Jay and Silent Bob, as well as two unidentified girls they've managed to pick up. Everyone else is also waving to them as the boat sails out of the harbor.]

[Cut to that night, inside Speedy and Polly's suite. Speedy is cleaning up after dinner.]

Polly [sprawled on the sofa]: We ought to put you in the kitchen more often.

Speedy: Just be glad Big Al put us in 1st class, or we wouldn't have the kitchenette. We'll have to thank him when we get back.

Polly [grinning]: I guess he figured after a few months on Prisoner's Island, we could use a little luxury.

[The two of them share a laugh at their little ruse. Speedy brings over an ice bucket w/ a bottle of wine. The song One on One by Daryl Hall & John Oats begins playing.]

Speedy: Would you like some wine, madam?

Polly: Oh yes, please.

[Speedy pours a glass for Polly and one for himself. Speedy sits down next to Polly and raises his glass.]

Speedy [toasting]: To us. May our love burn brightly forever.

Polly [raising her glass]: To us.

[Their glasses clink, and they drink the wine. Setting the glasses down, they begin to kiss. Cut to an overhead shot of the boat. The song continues to play as it sails into the sunset. Fade to black.]

[Cut to an on deck shot, right outside of Speedy and Polly's room. The "Do Not Disturb" sign is on the door. A steward walks up to the door and knocks on the door. Getting no response he knocks again. On the third try, Speedy opens the door. Once again, he is only wearing his boxers, and his hair is messed up. He looks at the sign, and glares at the steward.]

Steward: Is something wrong sir?

Speedy: Actually, yes. The "Do Not Disturb" sign is still up and you're here anyway.

Steward: I'm sorry to intrude sir, but I thought you and your wife should know that we're approaching Little Tokyo. We'll be pulling into port in about 10 minutes.

Speedy: Ok, fine.

[The steward continues to stand there, a grin spreading on his face. Speedy finally gives him "the look".]

Steward: Oh, right. Uh, I'll just be going then, ok? Uh, that is, um, yeah. I'm going.

[He finally leaves. Speedy rolls his eyes and closes the door. Cut to frontal shot of the ship, as it's horn blares in the air. The ship docks and passengers begin getting off. Over at the bar, Guido is having a drink. Francine walks over to him.]

Guido [noticing her arrival]: Hey. Are they here yet?

Francine: No. Carla and GB are watching for them.

Guido: 'k. Want something?

Francine: Hmm? Oh, to drink. What are you having?

Guido: Cherry coke and coffee ice cream float.

Francine: Interesting. I'll have one too.

[Guido orders the drink for her, and pays for it. Francine takes a sip.]

Francine: Ok, now what's bothering you?

Guido: Excuse me?

Francine: You've barely said a word all day. We get here to pick up Speedy and Polly and you head straight for the bar. What gives?

Guido: Oh, I don't know. I guess being here has me thinking about marriage. [Notices Francine raising an eyebrow.] I mean, I'd like to do it someday, but I don't know when or with whom.

Francine: You mean, you wouldn't want to marry Lucille?

Guido: Well, that's the thing. I like Lucille a lot, but… I mean marriage is a big thing. That's saying I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a person. And I haven't really thought about where my relationship with Lucille is going.

Francine: Has Lucille?

Guido: I don't know that either.

Francine: Well, maybe that's something you need to figure out.

[Guido nods and finishes his drink. Francine does the same.]

Francine: Come on. Let's go find Speedy and Polly.

[They walk over to GB and Carla and wait with them. A short while later, they spot Speedy and Polly coming off the boat, and rush over to meet them.]

Speedy: Hey guys! We're back.

[GB and Guido shake hands with Speedy and give him one-armed hugs. The girls each give Polly a hug and Speedy a kiss on the cheek.]

Francine: Come on, let's go home. You guys still have time to make the dinner shift!

[Everyone groans as they head back to the parlor. As they walk away from the docks, two familiar figures step out of the crowd. It's Big Cheese and Jerry Atric.]

BC: It's impossible to find good help these days.

Jerry: It's true. Want a job done right, you have to do it yourself.

BC: You're sure all the arrangements have been made?

Jerry: Trust me, Cheesy. The Samurai Pizza Cats will never know what hit them.

[The two villains grin evilly. Fade to black. Cue Closing Sequence.]

In the next episode of SPC: New Millenium:

Seven [said over footage of Speedy, Guido, GB and Francine being badly bruised and battered]: The Samurai Pizza Cats are betrayed, humiliated, and defeated… [shot of Polly in Dominatrix Gear] by Polly Esther Cerviche?!

[Screen flashes white and fades into a fight scene between Polly and a figure in a black robe.]

Seven: Barely a day has passed after the return of the Cerviches, when Cheese and Atrick engineer insidious plan to kidnap Polly and use her against the Pizza Cats.

[Cut to a scene at the restaurant, where Polly is flirting with customers.]

Seven: Although Speedy's young wife is eventually returned home, some very startling changes in her behavior make the Pizza Cats suspicious. [Shot of Polly in jail] When evidence later surfaces of Polly's guilt in a recent string of cat burglaries, only Speedy believes her claims of innocence.

[Shot of Cheese and Atrick, basically just looking evil]

Seven: What insidious plot have Cheese and Atric cooked up, and how and why is Polly involved? [Pan up on Dominatrix Polly] Don't miss the next exciting and enticing episode, The Stranger, on Samurai Pizza Cats: New Millenium.

Guest Voices (In Order of Appearance)

Quax Brothers- Anthony LoGatto

Alpha Wolf- David Warner

Akida- Jonathen Frakes

Lupe` - Marina Sirtis

Lothar- Charlie Sheen

Jay- Jason Mewes

Silent Bob- Kevin Smith

Regular Cast Voices

Speedy Cerviche/ GB/ Meowzma O'Tool- Rick Jones

Guido Anchovy/ Spritz T. Cat/ Bat Cat/ Jerry Atric- Terrance Scammel

Polly Esther- Sonja Ball

Francine/ Carla- Pauline Little

Al Dente`/ General Catton- A.J. Henderson

Princess Violet/Lucille Omitsu- Susanne Glover

Seymour "Big Cheese" Cheese- Dean Hagopian

Don "Fat Bunny" Costanza- Ted Lewis

Elliot Durly- John Mahoney

Roland Crow- Jake Busey

Josie Omitsu- Jackie Farrel