Danielle's Life



Danielle First Main	Date: April 29th, 2003 Time can make you feel, and days can make you heal, but it's not the same. I want to know the way. La la la, I got a head full of stories and a life full of drama and a heart full of songs that I can neither sing nor dance nor see. Well, whatever. And things maybe won't ever be the same, but at least that way they can neither be better or worse, because they're completely different after all. heh heh. That doesn't make much sense I suppose. But then, things only make sense if you want them to sometimes. How badly do you want to see through my eyes. Probably not terribly since I can't even see the E. Still listening to Christmas music in may. Rereading my old spanish lessons, realizing I retained quite a bit. Just am a little rusty. Still stuck on the same Heroes 3 scenario that's been bugging me for a couple weeks. Keep forgetting to save. Wearing my "I hate myself..." shirt for the first time in almost a month because it's become less true. Just in general having a relatively peaceful existance of it. Which doesn't sell books but it keeps me from having violent daydreams so it works. Anyway, I think it's about time I wrote a Rant so I think I shall do that today or tomorrow. Also, I'm quitting work so I can concentrate on never ever failing school again. I think that's a nice noble goal. Date: April 28th, 2003 Is that...me? Yes, this is me. Well, then who are THEY? I'm you, so I don't know. Well, I feel better today. I got a good nights sleep. And had a nice weekend. I got a big huge stuffed unicorn and it's so CUTE. And some new undies. Mmmm...new undies. Of course I feel NOTHING like writing when I feel good. I have no idea why. It kinda sucks. Actually right now I could use a nap. I've had a productive day otherwise though, I registered for school for the summer and fall at community college just in case ASU won't let me in because of my grades. (I failed almost all of my last two semesters for a variety of fun reasons that I don't think I'll get into right now. Not the least of which was that I didn't want to be in my major anymore.) So I get to (re)start down my scholarly path. I feel like I have at least some smidgen of direction now. Sort of. Well, hope it lasts. Date: April 25th, 2003 Can't get this st off my mind, I just want to be alright, so just tell me nothing's wrong. I can't write, I'm even writing this late as William is going to be late. I want to write. I want to be a writer, I've always wanted to be a writer. And I don't mean this first person "write your story" biography or journalism or whatever this crap is. I want to write STORIES. I want to write fiction. I want to write the stories I've always had with me. But when I write them down they sound shallow or stupid or trite or childish and just...not what I want. I just read a comic book that describes this feeling perfectly...it made me feel kinda good until I realized that some other writer can write what I feel, make it into fiction, and get it published, and read, and I can't. I can't. I hate it. I want to write. I want my brain to be quiet. I want everything to be as it never was ever but how I thought it might be or should be or I don't even know what I want. heh...I want to not want these things and to be content. Sometimes I wonder what the difference is between being content with it and giving up. I suppose you can be content as you strive for greatness? I don't know...doesn't seem to work but then my music stopped so my head is fuzzy again. Damn, they say I have a hand for writing but where is it when I WANT it. Why can't I just TELL it what to do. Why do I have to wait for the rare occasion when it grabs me and takes me and lets me walk with it and follow it around like a sad unloved child. And why do I have to care... And it's gone. Or it's leaving, and maybe I'll be able to take it's hand again or some idiotic expression like that, but I can feel it go. Whatever let me write out those two paragraphs and two seconds like an exhalation is fleeing into the distance. And I don't know how to bring it back. And I don't know how to make it let me write my stories. And I don't know how to get over everything and on with my life. And I don't know where I'm going. But does anybody? Heh, they called me smart at one time you know. Well...we'll have to see what happens. But I guess that's what it's all about. Date: April 22nd, 2003 (evening) He said love endures all things, and it hurts to think it's true... I'm so tired I think I'm going to die. I walked over 5 miles roundtrip today. My legs hurt. I went to the grocery store to buy broccoli and applesauce for dinner and a four pound box of strawberries. And I was going to get sprinkles but I FORGOT!! I forget my own head sometimes. Now, when one is a pedestrian you might think one would realize that four pounds of strawberries, you know, weighs four pounds. One MIGHT think that a pedestrian might think of that sometime. One might be an idiot. Well we made it okay. And we got ourselves a haircut. Got the ends trimmed under. Oh we didn't get starburst jelly beans yesterday, they didn't have any. It really sucked. They didn't even have peeps. But, I got some really nice chocolate samplers. Mmm...creams... Speaking of which...err...no it's probably too early to go there. Ahem. Well anyway, of course there's things I'm not saying but I feel a like I've had some bad feelings validated today and therefore don't feel so bad anymore. At least the guilt over feeling bad is eased. Anywaysies, times to go to bed I think. Since this is just stupid practice writing. Date: April 21st, 2003 In the Beginning it is always dark. This is my stupid webjournal. For all the freaks that already can't get enough of me. I'm starting this in a (probably) vain effort to make myself write at least every day when I am home and(or?) my husband is not. And that is NOT because he disapproves of this, more because if he's here I have MUCH better things to do. So if you give a crap I have an about me page. I need to update it since I recently turned 22. Joy for me. Happy Cheap Candy Day everyone. Hope to go get some Starburst jellybeans. Yum. Nice and fruity-sour. This is separate from my "weekly" rant because quite frankly the rant is a lot more fun and probably has more mass appeal. So...my life sucks. There. Today I cleaned an aquarium. And did laundry. Joy's just coming out of my ears. Oh no wait that's probably water from my dysfunctional eustachian tubes. Forget that, no joy for me. 'Cept I should stop whining here and go make dinner and get pretty for when William gets home.