by Ryan Mathews

June 1997

A couple of people wrote me after my last column to encourage me to be more mean in my reviews. They believed I should spend more of my column dressing down people with really awful web pages. One even said that I don't sound like myself in this column. In a sense, that's true. Anyone who knows me from the rec.arts.anime newsgroups knows I have a tendency to be a cynical S.O.B. from time to time.

It was my belief, however, that people wouldn't want to read that in a web review column. The problem with columns about crappy web sites is that nobody actually wants to visit the sites in question, unless they're so bad, they're funny. So you're left reading the commentary, which can get old fast. For an example of what I'm talking about, check out . I thought this site was really funny, at first. But after a few pages, the authors began to sound like jerks.

But, hey, if you want mean, I can deliver! To give you an taste of my "dark side", here's...

Nine Good Ways to Keep Your Web-Site
Out of This Column

• Eye-bending backgrounds - One of the coolest things about HTML is how any graphic can be used as a background. Unfortunately, one of the most moronic things about HTML is also that any graphic can be used as a background. Too many people think that a site has to have a background image. Okay, fine, but try to choose an image that won't make me go blind.

• Huge fonts - What is the point of writing an entire site in the "h3" font? I know! It's a special "large-print" version for those of us driven blind by the crappy backgrounds!

• Stupid font colors - Oh, wow! Look at all the cool colors I can choose from! How about pale blue on an off-white background? How about yellow or white, so you can't even read the stupid page until the 50K background image loads? Hey, here's a wacky idea: HOW ABOUT BLACK?!

• MIDI files with no control panel - Yes, MIDIs are cool, but we don't always want to hear them. This really gets annoying when the MIDI in question is on a home page which is just a bunch of links, because the file starts to play from the beginning every time you return. And watch where you set the volume, too! One of the Ranma ½ sites I reviewed last time screamed "RANMA!!" at me every time I came back to the home page. Nearly knocked me out of my chair.

• Browser-specific pages - Like I'm really going to switch to Internet Explorer just so I can get the most out of your Ranma ½ page.

• Resolution-specific pages - "This page is designed to be viewed at 800 X 600 resolution." Folks, I have a 13" screen. A lot of people, maybe even most of us, have 13" screens. It's the size that comes with the system. Now, I could go to 800 X 600, or even 1024 X 768, provided I had a magnifying glass, or didn't mind getting nose-smears on the glass. However, I like to sit at a comfortable distance from the screen, which means 640 X 480. Is it a coincidence that most applications are written to work at that resolution?

• Pages cluttered with miscellaneous crap - Remember, it's not really a page until you've doubled the size by adding browser logos, logos for other pages, advertisements, hit counters, and big animated logos for rings, where I can visit dozens of other sites just as crappy as yours!

• Pages with slow-loading hit counters - It's beyond me why I should give a damn in the first place why I'm the 625th visitor to the page, but it's really annoying when the page stops loading because of the counter. You don't even know that that's what you're waiting for until you get fed up and interrupt the load.

• Rabid protectionism of images - I'm referring to people who don't want others "stealing" their background images, when "their" background image is copyrighted art scanned without permission from an artbook, then run through a program to fade it or turn it into a relief. Gee, I write fanfiction. Can I insist that no one "steal" the Dirty Pair from me?

(pant pant) Whew! That felt good!
Okay, enough of this! On with this month's topic!